Small child becoming involved in my wife’s rages

[thankful person]

I have been saying on here that my lesbian wife screeches at me to put our toddler down when she wants cuddles.
Today I tried just holding her and saying no. She roughly snatched the child from me and physically threw me out the door.
Please help. I want to stand up for myself and our children but I don’t know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

So to be clear, your wife put her hands on you to eject you from your shared home?

Had this happened before? How often?

How often is your toddler being "snatched" ?

Do you recognize and accept that this is domestic violence?

[thankful person]

Hi yes I know it is a form of domestic violence and I feel deeply ashamed for some reason.
She didn’t throw me out of the house, just the front room, but I chose to stay away for some time afterwards.
She has snatched the child from me maybe 5-10 times in her life, but this was the first time since she’s old enough to start learning she gets punished for cuddling Mama in front of Mummy.

[GaGrl]

Have you spoken yet with a domestic violence counselor? You probably need some legal advice on what your options are to help both you and your wife through this crisis period.

[khibomsis]

Hey BP, sorry to hear that your first attempt at setting boundaries met with such a conflictual response. I have nothing to add to GaGrls advice except to say it is not your fault. There is no need to feel ashamed.
 

[thankful person]

Thanks for your support both of you. My wife did say later on that day that she would do the same thing again. I am not ready to involve social services... But. I am going to make it clear to my wife that I won’t stand for it. If she tells me to put the child down again I will say “No. And if you lay a finger on either of us then I will be telling someone. You are not well and you need help.” I will tell her health visitor who is supposed to be taking care of her though she doesn’t seem to realise there is a problem, despite doing depression and anxiety screenings.. I don’t think she seems aware of the BPD diagnosis even though it is on my wife’s medical records.

[Ventak]

Please reach out to a DV hotline, or other support service.

Unfortunately, I've learned way too much about spousal abuse the past few months.  Some things you need to know:

• Once violence starts, it almost always escalates.  This happened to me.
• People with BPD are masters at projections.  This means that the abuse will eventually be seen as you abusing her.  This happened to me.
• Partners of pwPBD are often arrested for the abuse that their partner has placed on them.  This was close to happening to me, but my therapist told me to start calling 911 every time my BPDw became physical.  Doing this has kept me out of jail, but did lead to the arrest of my wife.
• While I hope and pray that you will not share this experience, there are literally hundreds of posts on this website from those that have gone through similar experiences, but ended up on the other side of the legal process

One thing to consider, it is often recommended that you go to the local police department and let them know that you are in a "high conflict" relationship, with a spouse who gets physical.  This will create a record of events that can help if she goes after you later.

I've often seen advice that steers you away from telling your pwBPD that they are "sick" and "need help".  This is never received as intended, and will almost always escalate dramatically.

My twins (2.5 yo) and I send our well wishes and prayers to you and your babies.

[thankful person]

Ventak, thank you for your advice and support. I will take things further of they get worse. For seven years my wife has been violent towards me, but this has only been occasional the last few years. I did have the conversation with her, taking an opportunity when she was mad about something else. I didn’t say, you’re sick. I said, I’m worried about you. She said she will tell the health visitor if it happens again. I will encourage the older child to go to her more (if she isn’t screeching at us), apparently that will help. Today, my challenge is to not start arguments, as apparently they are always my fault and I love starting arguments. I will try not to speak today.

[once removed]

i get where youre coming from on this completely.

is your child a frequent point of tension?

if so, have the two of you talked about it before, and what was said?