Feeling interested in new relationship

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Greetings,
I've been laying low on these forums for a while.
I'm in the long, seemingly endless divorce process. Multiple efforts to settle have failed. Separated for many years. A final court date seems to elude us, as STBX continues to file counter motions, layers of accusations and hoops to jump through, legal system abuse, etc. Divorce has been a decision I took five years to really get ready for, and now it looks like finality won't be reached for some time.

I have done a lot of work on me in the meantime. I have to fight the legal fight, but, on the inside, I know that it's just a legal fight. I still have to work on healing, improving, and forgiving. But, those are skills that I will hone for life.

I am very interested in starting up another, or more likely more than one, exploratory relationships. Put another way, I'm interested in the single life again. I am noticing women - and perhaps instinctively, look for wedding rings, or signs of being single. Based on a lot of street advice, I was going to postpone any such thinking until a year after the divorce was final, and ink was dry. At the present pace, that means being essentially isolated for several years more. After more than 23 years in a frigid marriage as it was.

I don't want to cloud my thinking, or make bad decisions. However, I feel like I'm ready to start flirting and socializing. I'm super restrained for all this kind of stuff. Veterans here have read my story over the last six years of agonizing over deciding to divorce. I'm less traumatized, and feel good about starting to make space for another relationship. I'd be following more than just trying to end the loneliness or trying to fill a void. I'm exploring in my own heart how long I should remain like this. And inside, I feel like looking for romantic relationships again.

Is this an issue to trust my gut with now?

I know sometimes relationships can be the drug that takes your mind off your trouble, or grants you an escape. I am not feeling that way. I feel grounded enough, and know myself well enough to find what I want - and make much better decisions.

If you started, or didn't start, a new relationship, what were the keys to being properly ready?

Thanks for sharing.

Virtual hugs to all - in our hug-shortaged world.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greetings,
I've been laying low on these forums for a while.
I'm in the long, seemingly endless divorce process. Multiple efforts to settle have failed. Separated for many years. A final court date seems to elude us, as STBX continues to file counter motions, layers of accusations and hoops to jump through, legal system abuse, etc. Divorce has been a decision I took five years to really get ready for, and now it looks like finality won't be reached for some time.

I have done a lot of work on me in the meantime. I have to fight the legal fight, but, on the inside, I know that it's just a legal fight. I still have to work on healing, improving, and forgiving. But, those are skills that I will hone for life.

I am very interested in starting up another, or more likely more than one, exploratory relationships. Put another way, I'm interested in the single life again. I am noticing women - and perhaps instinctively, look for wedding rings, or signs of being single. Based on a lot of street advice, I was going to postpone any such thinking until a year after the divorce was final, and ink was dry. At the present pace, that means being essentially isolated for several years more. After more than 23 years in a frigid marriage as it was.

I don't want to cloud my thinking, or make bad decisions. However, I feel like I'm ready to start flirting and socializing. I'm super restrained for all this kind of stuff. Veterans here have read my story over the last six years of agonizing over deciding to divorce. I'm less traumatized, and feel good about starting to make space for another relationship. I'd be following more than just trying to end the loneliness or trying to fill a void. I'm exploring in my own heart how long I should remain like this. And inside, I feel like looking for romantic relationships again.

Is this an issue to trust my gut with now?

I know sometimes relationships can be the drug that takes your mind off your trouble, or grants you an escape. I am not feeling that way. I feel grounded enough, and know myself well enough to find what I want - and make much better decisions.

If you started, or didn't start, a new relationship, what were the keys to being properly ready?

Thanks for sharing.

Virtual hugs to all - in our hug-shortaged world.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samwize, Welcome back!  Sorry to hear that your divorce proceedings are dragging out.  In my view, there's no particular timetable on dating again.  You're ready when you're ready.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings, as you propose. 

When I started seeing others while separated but not divorced from my Ex, I discovered kind people out there who treated me well, which was a revelation.  I found out that others didn't regard me as the terrible person depicted by my BPDxW.  Plus, I met people who had struggled in their marriages, too, so I felt less alone. 

If you are like me, you may find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop in a dating scenario, in the sense that I expected drama and conflict to unfold at some point, which happily didn't happen!

LuckyJim

[B53]

Samwize,
By the sound of your post, I think you are more than ready. I think if they know that you not recently separated, most people will be ok with that. Long drawn out divorces are not uncommon. You have put the time and work into healing your wounds from the past, which is more than a lot of people do. You sound thoughtful and caring and knowing what it takes to live through the distorted life with a BPD, you most likely have skills others don’t have. You have a lot to offer. Someone would be lucky to have you. Just make sure, it is someone who knows how lucky they are. Have fun!
B53

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks for the positive words.

I have started to feel that not dating, or not at least getting out there socially is, at this point, another control over my life that I am taking back. If I follow my rule of thumb to not date until a year after the court part is dead and over - I will have dragged through life suffering, and granted STBX yet more years of depriving me of life and wholesome living. Taking back my freedom is a real thing.

I appreciate the positive words. A life lesson for me has been to listen to the gut. I can't tell you how hard that principle is after living in the FOG for so long.

[once removed]

its a balance, really.

dating again is part of getting back to normal, and its also preferable to "im afraid to ever love again" (which is perfectly valid for a time), but "normal" isnt always the best thing for everyone.

you sound like youve thought it through. it will be a big adjustment, and setbacks arent necessarily an indicator of not being ready (i found myself being really needy with the first gal i saw, and i also think i was still making questionable choices in whom i was pursuing).

personally, i think the most important thing is identifying what youre looking for (or at least starting to...sometimes you have to do some looking before you identify that).

do be advised there are some women that will rule you out until a divorce is final. others will just rule out committing.

how do you plan to "get back out there"?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I understand what you're saying. I never shied away from taking my chances, if someone rules me out because I'm not divorced yet, I can really respect that quite a bit. It is a challenge to chance a relationship based on an uncertain thing like a divorce being final. If she's around later, then so be it. All respect.

I'm pretty confident and independent in most things overall. I am not considering dating as though my life depended on it. It's just normal-feeling now. I've been living as a POW for over 20 years in marriage. I'm getting free of that.

It sounds cliche, and not my normal venue, but I am considering using a dating app. We are all busy people, Id rather start with vetted people with similar goals. I have taken time to consider the applications involved with the apps, it does cause one to reflect on what one is, and what one wants. Additionally, I have spent many a year reflecting on what I would want in a better relationship. I do believe I have a good concept of what would be my priorities.

I am not inclined to use the referral from a friend kind of matchmaking. I want to have a social life well outside of STBX's artillery range, so a current friends circle isn't a good place. Plus, my discretion would prevent inciting more revenge from STBX.
I can also be an opportunist, and won't say no if I find dating options spontaneously.

[Cromwell]

Thats so good to hear. So if you are new to the concept, the way I did it / recommend it, just put these wants clearly in the profile. I also had these worries about how much meddling my ex would make with any new dating. Well, I live in a large city and with these apps, if you dont mind travelling and able to do so, I did that too, its not a big deal. In otherwords I support this it sounds you are ready and want to start getting some company. Go for it and best of luck! so nice to hear such a positive story from all the hard work youve put in and having gone through it all. Crom

[MeandThee29]

A therapist friend of mine commented that there's really no right or wrong answer as long as you are thoughtful and careful about it. If you use it to get to know some people and keep it light, you should be fine. He does recommend against getting serious about someone until you've dated in person for a full six months or more. Be more careful than ever about your personal boundaries.

Of course you have to keep in mind that if the STBX finds out, that may affect divorce proceedings. My attorney gave me a handout in the intake packet on that issue and said, "Not recommended. If you do it, keep it all public."

Frankly I have zero motivation that way. Mine was a "gray" divorce, and I'm at an age where some of my friends are widowed. So I have plenty of people to do things with and really am not interested in a romantic relationship. Yes, I've had some asks, but no one I really wanted to get to know.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I thought I would stop back in and comment.

I'll admit, the process of the online dating scene is a lot more complicated that shopping online!  ;) It can vary from being a tease, to an outright disappointment.

I have found myself able to keep my priorities straight, which usually ranks kids and work above social time. Nevertheless, making time to contact singles with relationship-building in mind is a good experience for me. More important to me than making the time, was the internal permission to think about having a positive relationship with a potential romantic partner. I have been truly lonely on a soul-felt level for so many years that I had forgotten or retired any such thinking. I'm even trying to imagine the feeling of looking forward to coming home one day - more than just to see the kids.
 
A side benefit to thinking about relationship forming, is that it is, in fact, distracting me from unproductive stressing about the divorce processes that are out of my control and timeline.

My status update is positive.