Why do we subject ourselves to this and how do we get out of this mess

[Dad50]

So, tonight I got hit again. Punched in the nose and scratched in the face. I said last time that if she hit me again it would be over. So first thing that has me sick to my stomach is that, of course I gave in, letting her know that in fact, she could hit me as much as she wants and I will still come back.

We live separately, so leaving wouldn't have been a problem. I did physically leave. I actually got to the point of blocking her on all texts and messenger and such, but she found an e-mail address that wasn't blocked on text, and I gave in to the heroine like addictive need to check.

So, here is what has me hating myself. I said I couldn't be with her anymore because she is hit me again. I wanted to be firm but I always give in. What is worse, is that what gets me to give in and come back is that she completely goes off on how horrible I am and how I need to come back and console her.  I thought, okay, at least I can maintain some dignity, so I told her I would call her in the morning. Nope, if I didn't call and console her right then she wold be resentful.

So here I am, the argument felt relatively minor, but I got punched in the face. Not only is there no remorse for punching me in the face, but I have to do what she needs to console her. And I do it. I get hit and I have to comfort her. Why am I with someone who can hit me then demand to be comforted? Why do I allow myself to get abused, and not even stand up for myself?  I thought that I could at least stand up for myself and say I needed the evening to process things and would call her in the morning, but I couldn't even hold firm on that. Terrified because she said she'd be resentful if I didn't console her tonight. What kind of man just lets their-self get punched.  Then goes and appeases their abuser. I'm just feeling so dejected.


Aside: The punching arose because she has been investing in the stock market a lot. We have independent finances, and are quite stable financially. I am more conservative in my investing, but today I was like, I have some extra money so why not, and I purchased some shares in a mutual fund. Anyway, when we got together that evening I told her I bought some shares. She got very very angry that I didn't consult with her first. I did try and justify, which is bad I know. Then pop. right in the nose. While I was driving.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Dad50,

I've been following your story for a while now... this post concerns me.

My therapist gave me the best advice I've probably ever received six months ago.  When your BPD SO gets physical, call 911.  Everytime.  I did, eventually she was arrested instead of me.  I have no doubt that I would have been arrested had I not taken this advice, and I've heard from many others that had the experience of going to jail because their BPDw was abusive.  Many police have a severe gender bias that will work against you.  I live in a mandatory arrest state, and one officer let her off after she choked me while I held our twins, tore my clothes off, and physically prevented me from leaving the house for 15 minutes to the safety of our neighbors.  The system will work against you if you are not careful.

I have read that violence will almost always escalate.  Please don't wait until you get seriously injured.  Please don't wait until you lose what time you currently have with your children from the prior relationship.  You have much to lose.  I was lucky... but many on this board were not and their stories scare the heck out of me.  In my case, the state is forcing no contact for the past 2.5 months and extended for the next 2 as well... I may still reconcile, but it has given me the time needed to really process what I've been through and how not holding firm boundaries was not fair to either of us.

Please also consider calling a domestic violence hotline, they can help.

I'll assume that since you were driving with her, the kids did not witness this?

We are here for you...

[babyducks]

Dad50,

Ventak raised a lot of good points.   I am going to try and reinforce them.

Its true that once the boundary of physical violence has been crossed, its almost impossible to put that genie back in the bottle and things almost always escalate.

Hitting is never okay.    It almost always gets worse.

Its true that men are at special risk in a DV.   

Please call the local DV phone number in your area.    Talking to someone in real time makes a huge difference.

When you call the DV phone number they can help explain to you why.

Why am I with someone who can hit me then demand to be comforted? Why do I allow myself to get abused, and not even stand up for myself? 

There are reasons for this.   They are complicated.   And I can just about guarantee that they aren't what you are thinking.

This is how abusive relationships work.  or function.   the deeper you fall into one the harder it is to get out.     the victim of the abuse bonds in an unhealthy way with the abuser.    its not a weakness of character or a failing.   its the complex psychology of abuse.   

Please make the phone call and come back and let us know what you learned.

'ducks

[Dad50]

Thanks babyducks and ventak. As soon as it is safe I will call the domestic violence hotline. It is hard because I am twice her size. She's a college professor and a therapist herself.She knows that they are more likely to believe her than me, and has even said this. She has said that if I ever try and leave her she will have me arrested for DV.

I appreciate your support and will let you know what the DV hotline says. Just feeling so lost and hopeless. Like, I am strong and a leader in all other aspects of my life, and a good father, but it is like I am a child when I am interacting with her. Anyway, going to keep reading, and keep moving forward.

[kells76]

This stood out to me:

it is like I am a child when I am interacting with her

as I recalled this:

Why do I allow myself to get abused, and not even stand up for myself?

I wonder what you learned and observed about intimate relationships when you were growing up? (Might be better to spin off into another thread? I am sensing that this is focused on more "acute" issues, and my question might take a while to work through)

...

I also hope you can care about yourself enough to think about Ventak's concerns.

I can relate to not putting myself first. If you are in that position, consider putting your children first. As Ventak says, they will be impacted if something happens to you, whether physical or legal. If it's hard to get motivation to care about yourself right now, draw motivation from protecting them.

This is all so hard, and ultimately I want to recognize your bravery for posting about it here.

[Ventak]

If it's hard to get motivation to care about yourself right now, draw motivation from protecting them.

This is what gets me through this...

[babyducks]

She's a college professor and a therapist herself. She knows that they are more likely to believe her than me, and has even said this. She has said that if I ever try and leave her she will have me arrested for DV.

I hope you are taking this threat seriously Dad50?

This is verbal/emotional abuse.     How did you respond when she said this?