hi. Did you stay in the family home? Will it affect custody and right to the hom

[Tiredmom123]

Hi everyone. I'm trying to leave my BPD spouse of 23 years, 3 kids (2 -age 15 and 13 )We are still under the same roof but separate bedrooms' for a year now. I've filed for divorce and financial disclosure but nothing has came back yet, he doesn't respect any of the court deadlines and has a very powerful lawyer, I could only afford one who has little experience as he has blocked me from everything financially other than my own small part time income. Its really hard staying in the same home and financially I'm very limited and scared if I leave my kids will not leave with me and will resent me for it.  They are teens they are going to want to be in their own rooms and their own space no matter how much they love me. I have great relationships with the 3 of them . How did people survive in this scenario? Will I be judged against in court if I leave? Kids don't even know yet that we are divorcing but they know they have two parents who barely speak to each other and live very separate lives. . The BPD spouse is refusing to accept it in any way. My kids are my life. The thought of moving out without them is devastating to me. Any advice or past experience most welcome.

[Happiness40]

Hi what country are you in?
I obtained a non molestation order and an occupation order so he can’t live in the same house or contact me.
I hope that helps, I would start documenting everything. Write a time line of your relationship and see if there is enough abuse there to make him leave the home. It’s very very difficult and hard I know. Big hugs it’s  all extremely difficult from every angle you look at things. Getting some space will definitely bring some clearer thinking for you

[Happiness40]

Also I strongly urge you not to leave it leaves way to much time for him to get into the children’s heads, I left for 2 weeks and let’s just say some questionable things have been stated by them. He isn’t even living here now and he’s still at it but from a distance. It may feel like you won’t be able to sort it all out but I assure you, you will. Are you having counselling? If not I urge you to start it so you can disengage and give yourself some mental space to work everything out. It was hard making decisions in the middle of he’s chaos it wasn’t until I stopped being emotionally present to him and concentrated on me that I started to make my way through the forest. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

My uBPD STBX moved out, and made a rather vocal exit to anyone in contact how she just had to escape the toxic household and give the kids a safe place.
In this case, it is working to my favor. Because, as you note, the kids like their rooms, their familiar surroundings. Happiness factor has gone up exponentially at my home. This calls into question who was really making it toxic at home (not a mystery to myself). There's little doubt that the marital home will have to be sold to settle property division. But, for the months and maybe year(s) before then, I have the house. It's been great for the kids so far.

It's not official, but, I think that dads have a bigger challenge keeping the kids, or getting equal custody. So, a dad moving out tends to show the courts that he feels the kids are fine without him. For moms, I think the perception is different. But keep that factor in mind. Moving out before a custody order is official is risky. Always take into consideration proper professional legal advice. Can you get a temp custody agreement signed?
Maybe make it look advantageous to both of you. Like, say to STBX: "let's agree to the custody schedule and guarantee your time with the kids." Or add "then I'll look for a place to stay."

In your case, or any case, the courts will certainly consider status quo in the welfare of the kids. The marital home has at least an intangible value in the custody decision.

I think we can all understand how vital it can feel to move out to get away from the abuse. Bear in mind the consequences of what your actiton tells the court - and in our world, always consider how anything will be used to spin against you. Of course, don't stay if your safety is at risk, in that case consider taking action against the dangerous situation by getting a restraining order, or exclusive use of the house. 

[Ventak]

How did people survive in this scenario? Will I be judged against in court if I leave? Kids don't even know yet that we are divorcing but they know they have two parents who barely speak to each other and live very separate lives. . The BPD spouse is refusing to accept it in any way. My kids are my life. The thought of moving out without them is devastating to me. Any advice or past experience most welcome.

TiredMom, so sorry you are having to deal with this, I understand how frustrating this situation is.

Different states/countries have different laws, so it is tough to give legal advice... but I can tell you what I've experienced and/or learned about a similar circumstance.

If you leave without the kids, he is likely to draw out the divorce as loong as possible.  First, pwBPD tend to do that just generally.  Second, his attorney will be setting it up so that you have less chance at getting half or more parenting time.  In my state, the longer the children are living in a particular location, with a particular parent... the more it becomes "in the best interest of the children" to maintain that pattern.  I've heard many stories in this forum of pwBPD extending divorce out over 2 years.  At that point your children are likely to be very entrenched in a "new normal".

Additionally, you might want to consult with a "very powerful lawyer" of your own.  I had a very directed conversation on this issue with my family law attorney.  On a restraining order issue, I asked if I "had" to pay for my W lawyer, should offer to pay to show good faith, or not pay.  My lawyer said that since divorce had not been initiated there is no legal obligation to cover her lawyer, that it may or may not make a difference to a judge if I offered to pay, hard to tell without knowing who would be overseeing a potential divorce case.  She did say that if we were to get divorced, legal expenses would be covered equally from the marital assets.  So, if you "by choice" get an inexpensive attorney and he "by choice" gets an expensive one... the court will not intervene, though he may have to pay for your inexpensive attorney or you may have to pay for part of his.  For example:  Let's say he makes 60% of the money and you make 40%.  If his lawyer costs 80k and yours costs 20k -- you may end up paying for 20k of his expensive attorney.  (40% of the 100k total is 40k, less the 20k you paid for yours).  But say if he makes 80% and you make 20%, both attorney's cost 50k, then he would have to pay 80k and you would pay 20k.  It will of course be much more complex than this simple example, but the principle is there.  Worth discussing with someone that knows the system, and most high powered family law attorneys are willing to do the initial consult for free.

You are among friends here, people who have been through most of what you have been through and understand the struggle.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing, and take care of yourself.  More than any other issue... your children will need you to be as healthy as possible through this ordeal.  Let us know how we can help...

[MeandThee29]

If you leave without the kids, he is likely to draw out the divorce as loong as possible.  First, pwBPD tend to do that just generally.  Second, his attorney will be setting it up so that you have less chance at getting half or more parenting time.  In my state, the longer the children are living in a particular location, with a particular parent... the more it becomes "in the best interest of the children" to maintain that pattern.  I've heard many stories in this forum of pwBPD extending divorce out over 2 years.  At that point your children are likely to be very entrenched in a "new normal".

Additionally, you might want to consult with a "very powerful lawyer" of your own.  I had a very directed conversation on this issue with my family law attorney.  On a restraining order issue, I asked if I "had" to pay for my W lawyer, should offer to pay to show good faith, or not pay.  My lawyer said that since divorce had not been initiated there is no legal obligation to cover her lawyer, that it may or may not make a difference to a judge if I offered to pay, hard to tell without knowing who would be overseeing a potential divorce case.  She did say that if we were to get divorced, legal expenses would be covered equally from the marital assets.  So, if you "by choice" get an inexpensive attorney and he "by choice" gets an expensive one... the court will not intervene, though he may have to pay for your inexpensive attorney or you may have to pay for part of his.  For example:  Let's say he makes 60% of the money and you make 40%.  If his lawyer costs 80k and yours costs 20k -- you may end up paying for 20k of his expensive attorney.  (40% of the 100k total is 40k, less the 20k you paid for yours).  But say if he makes 80% and you make 20%, both attorney's cost 50k, then he would have to pay 80k and you would pay 20k.  It will of course be much more complex than this simple example, but the principle is there.  Worth discussing with someone that knows the system, and most high powered family law attorneys are willing to do the initial consult for free.

I agree with this. I did not have custody issues, but help with a divorce group and hear a lot of this. The general principal is that you shouldn't leave until there is a temporary custody order and/or temporary support order. Of course if there is a abuse, you have to consider that. In other words, have your legal ducks in a row if you can.

My ex chose a powerhouse, one of the most expensive and fearsome in the area, so I felt like I had to choose carefully. I chose one that cost less, but had a stellar reputation and was very familiar with how his worked. He had an associate he was mentoring that did the documents and answered questions when the partner was away or in court. That actually worked really well for me. The older one was very efficient and quick with responses, and the younger one did the research and details. Later the younger one did my closeout. I found that the older one was so efficient that certain tasks actually cost the same as when the younger one did them and took longer, so picking a cheaper lawyer isn't necessarily going to cost less. Also having a well-matched attorney really paid off. It was clear to me by the end that his greatly admired mine, and there were times his deferred to mine. I considered it to be an investment in my future and the future of our college kids.

Yes, it was scary. I was juggling three part-time jobs and barely getting by financially, but no regrets. There was no real estate, no business issues, and no custody issues, and the whole thing still took over two years. I understand now that's pretty much to be expected in these situations, but of course I was very disappointed. He had promised "easy and quick," which of course was a lie. It quickly went bad and stayed that way for a long time.

[SamwizeGamgee]

So true about it taking a long time.

I hit rock-bottom in 2015. I spent the next five years separated and preparing for a divorce. It's been more than 20 months since we have been in the full-blown divorce process, and barely have a trial set for next summer. Of course stbx will blame me for things dragging on, and taking a long time. However, most of my time and realistically 80% of my legal budget, has been me defending myself from her counter-filings, legal harassment, ever-increasing demands for discovery, dealing with her paranoia and flying monkeys, and so on. I've burned through my assets paying legal fees.

I distinctly remember my lawyer, trying to point out the disadvantages of filing and taking the court route, telling me that it would take a year for a trial.  After two decades of enduring the psychosis of marriage, I was like "I can stand on my hands through this for a year."

I also remind myself that one day, the court will be done, my lawyer will be done, and the fanfare will be over. But, the divorce will never be final. She will always find a way to poke holes in the settlement or court order, always blame me and attract advocates, blackmail, and manipulate. It's who she is. I just have to minimize the damage she can cause. I am aiming to get to the point that I only think of the divorce when I absolutely must. That does become less and less.