How long does it take to get back to intimacy?

[exasperatedwifey]

Three weeks ago my pwBPD and I had a major fight. As I mentioned on another post, this was before I suspected BPD and I told him to pack his things and get out. He didn’t leave, things just calmed down. It only took a day or two before we were back to our normal (pretending nothing had ever happened). Two weeks ago, my girls sat down with him and told him how they felt. He tried to do his normal screaming over everyone thing so that he could have control of the conversation and my girls got really ugly with him and forced him to be quiet and listen. Expletives we’re even thrown out on their part. It was a pretty heated conversation. We were all supposed to go out of town for the weekend together and my girls had no interest in going, so my DH went alone and met up with his sister and her family.

He told me that everything changed after that talk with the girls (17yo and 15yo). I think he thought that I was the crazy person who started fights. He’s told me before that I LOVE to fight. I’m actually the one who gets quieter and quieter the angrier I get. It takes a lot to get me angry enough to fight, but you know how that goes…they are amazing button pushers. Of course, when there are disagreements, it's divide and conquer instead of pulling together against the problem. He gets one of my girls (17yo)  to be with him and ignores the other two of us during rough times. I think she finally got tired of the divide. When he realized that my kids weren’t going to line up against me with him, I think something kind of broke.

We still have a sexual relationship, but everything else is weird. It’s like I’m the next door neighbor when we have conversations. It’s very general and odd. I know that he’s probably trying hard not to say something offensive (so many of those things were brought up in his conversation with the girls and boy do they have a good memory for all of those things), so I’m sure there’s that. We’ve just never been at this place in all of our 18 years and it’s unsettling.

What I want is to ask him how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, etc but I’m scared. I'm afraid something ugly will come pouring out. I know he’s probably waiting till his therapy appointment on the 21st to really talk about everything, but I want to know how he feels. I mean, he did tell me later that he felt that my youngest daughter's use of "f*&#king" was extremely disrespectful and he would never let her get away with that again. I told him that I understood his feeling that way. I told him she was just very frustrated because he communicates with the children through me instead of having hard conversations with them himself. They were also tired of watching (and being objects of) his bad behavior and having him blame it on someone else. They actually told me that they wished we had split up. I was surprised by that one.

I'm trying so hard over here. I know that there will be a new normal for us, but I miss the intimacy. I want to get back there.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

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[pursuingJoy]

We’ve just never been at this place in all of our 18 years and it’s unsettling.

What I want is to ask him how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, etc but I’m scared. I'm afraid something ugly will come pouring out. I know he’s probably waiting till his therapy appointment on the 21st to really talk about everything, but I want to know how he feels.

What do you think about sitting in this discomfort, and letting him sit with the discomfort? I know it's unsettling, believe me! When my husband dysregulates, it's pretty effective to let him come back to baseline on his own. I focus on making sure I am ok...I talk to friends or my therapist, or post here.

It's hard to change our caretaking ways but it actually allows the pwBPD to take responsibility for  regulating their emotions. Intimacy will return when both parties are ready. 

[exasperatedwifey]

What do you think about sitting in this discomfort, and letting him sit with the discomfort? I know it's unsettling, believe me! When my husband dysregulates, it's pretty effective to let him come back to baseline on his own. I focus on making sure I am ok...I talk to friends or my therapist, or post here.

It's hard to change our caretaking ways but it actually allows the pwBPD to take responsibility for  regulating their emotions. Intimacy will return when both parties are ready. 

You are so smart! That makes a lot of sense. We are both so used to things being a certain way. It will be weird until we figure out our new normal. I think you’re absolutely right. I’ll let it go and wait. Thanks for the good advice!