communicating with Close family members ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, my husband with BPD, is going through a lot within himself. I am trying to understand and be supportive of what he's going through. I have been reading on how to handle situations from the book "STOP CARETAKING THE BORDERLINE or NARCISSIST" It's been helping me a lot. Most all symptoms are noted very clearly in this book. That's exactly what's happening in my life, it's been years now, I have not contacted family and friends who were once close to us.
Yes he hates anyone I like. Hence we have lost touch with close friends and family.  

My husband and his brother were once very close, now it's been years he's not contacting him. They don't know what's going on in his life, they are probably just puzzled. It's been years and they are drifting apart from each other, neither of them even wish each other for their birthdays.  I feel really bad and guilty for not being able to help.  

If I were to reach to any close friends or family, and try to connect back, what reason would I give for my disappearance from social life for years?
Should I even contact them? Should I tell them my situation? Is it acceptable to tell them what my husband has been going through? Would it be ok to talk behind my husband's back, even after he's restricted me from talking to his family members? Is it called cheating? I am only trying to express that my husband's having a hard time, please excuse him, don't break our relationship.

Please suggest. Thanks for being supportive and listening.

[shu87]

Hello everyone, my husband with BPD, is going through a lot within himself. I am trying to understand and be supportive of what he's going through. I have been reading on how to handle situations from the book "STOP CARETAKING THE BORDERLINE or NARCISSIST" It's been helping me a lot. Most all symptoms are noted very clearly in this book. That's exactly what's happening in my life, it's been years now, I have not contacted family and friends who were once close to us.
Yes he hates anyone I like. Hence we have lost touch with close friends and family.  

My husband and his brother were once very close, now it's been years he's not contacting him. They don't know what's going on in his life, they are probably just puzzled. It's been years and they are drifting apart from each other, neither of them even wish each other for their birthdays.  I feel really bad and guilty for not being able to help.  

If I were to reach to any close friends or family, and try to connect back, what reason would I give for my disappearance from social life for years?
Should I even contact them? Should I tell them my situation? Is it acceptable to tell them what my husband has been going through? Would it be ok to talk behind my husband's back, even after he's restricted me from talking to his family members? Is it called cheating? I am only trying to express that my husband's having a hard time, please excuse him, don't break our relationship.

Please suggest. Thanks for being supportive and listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Your husband is very lucky to have you as an advocate for his BPD. 

You've asked a very interesting question.  At this point, I don't think it wise to tell you yes or no to contact.  I will say that path is fraught..for sure.

Best to make sure we get the journey to this point correct, before mapping out a journey to a healthier life.

Has yours husband been diagnosed?  Treatment?  It's ok if your story is a bit long.

Same thing with the relationship with the brother.  When did the r/s go south?  Was there an "event" or "argument"...?

How are you doing in the midst of all this?

Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

welcome, shu87  we're glad you're here! It sounds like you've been through a last these past few years. It really sounds like you're on a different trajectory and I'm excited for you.

If I were to reach to any close friends or family, and try to connect back, what reason would I give for my disappearance from social life for years?

What's made you want to reach out to them after all these years? Your reasons for reaching out will guide any support we offer.

I'm glad you've made it to us.

pj

[shu87]

No my husband is not diagnosed with BPD. It’s my diagnosis based on symptoms I have been seeing for few years now. It’s been quite a journey, initially I kept feeling guilty and blaming myself for everything. It started when he lost his job, he was probably insecure, always wanted an account of where I went and whom I spend time with etc.. It slowly started with very frequent fights at home, I would out burst too, because most of the time it was so irrational and mostly his assumptions.
Examples :
Watering my plants in the back yard 1917. He came up with an angry tone, and was very upset that I am on the property’s back yard where neighbors might, see me watch me. Like he’s being very protective of me, possessive that some other men might eye on me something like that.  Out of the blue his thoughts were so strange.
When we visit his brother and family, he would be all upset when we are back. He would have strange thoughts that his brother’s not a good man. He’s probably looking at you in, not so a good way. Very strange, his thoughts never changed no matter how much I tried to convince and explain with reasons. His one time very close buddy is not in talking terms with him today. They hardly talk. I feel really bad since his family has no clue what he’s going through.
Now yes I have read a lot and this support group’s taught be a lot. I only listen and observe all the things my husband talks and thinks. Only talk what needed and always positive things. Never get angry with what ever he blames me for, don’t feel guilty even. I am also able to predict when he might be off his mood. I feel happy being me, I have found something I like to do. No friends , no  freedom to do anything I like outside the house does not bother me at all. Spend most of the time doing the things I like indoors.
Thanks for answering yes I need to sort things out by myself. No one outside could be of help. It would also take a lot of effort to explain to family about what we are going through. Probably they are not even aware of BPD.
For now I’ll leave it to destiny. I do not want to upset or disturb someone who’s already going through a lot within. I need to build the trust and just live through it and let him live. Will always be by his side and support him all through.

Thanks for listening..