Doomed to live in chaos forever, playing a game I'll never win?

[LDRStrugglebus]

I made my first post a little over a month ago, and things seem to be just as chaotic as they were before. I really appreciate everyone who responded to me and honestly it gave me a lot of insight and strength. This is such a great community and really helps me feel less alone.

I feel like I have to lie to every single person in my life. Especially because my uBPDbf is working overseas, it's been tough. Everyone around me asks me about him all the time. My family, my friends, his family, his friends. I have to perpetuate this lie that everything is okay almost daily and it is wearing me thin. We are officially "broken up" in his eyes, although we have an understanding that we will reconcile when he's back in the country. We still communicate daily, and are basically still in a relationship in everything but name. I still call him my partner, but he considers himself unattached. While I know that he's not seeing anyone or sleeping around on me, it's important for him to have that distinction that we are not "together".

It really hurts me that he gets to be carefree and "single" in a place where people don't really know him, while I have to keep up this front that everything is effing fantastic. But of course he's playing martyr, woe is me, I'm alone and I have it worse than you because I'm in an unfamiliar place. He gets to go out and be impulsive, binge drinking. He LOVES to tell me about all the girls who hit on him and how desirable he is to them. How many beautiful people there are where he is. But he also puts blame/guilt on me, saying that he can't even enjoy all that because he's still thinking about me. Does he have NPD?

Everything has been going okay the last month, after a horrible last 2 months sprinkled in with a few good weeks. I thought things had finally calmed down a little. Not great, but at least things were less chaotic. Then out of nowhere, he asks me if I had ever visited his place like he'd asked me to before he left (knowing full well that I hadn't).

I've learned that trying to explain myself always just sounds like "excuses" to him, which makes him more mad. So I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that no I hadn't and there was no good reason not to, that I was accepting responsibility for letting him down/breaking the trust. I know that I should have tried to go at least once, but I feel like I do have some valid reasons and I guess I just wanted to see if I'm just making excuses or if it's reasonable.

First of all, he lives 2.5-3 hours away from me. There is nothing around him, so when I go I can't really go "on the way" to something else. This would me my activity for a day or two, depending if I have the energy to drive back. Secondly, he is currently renting from a family friend/aunt who also rents out to other people. They are super nice, but it feels super awkward to walk into a house full of people I barely know. Third, I have a puppy and it's not easy taking trips like this or bringing him to other people's houses to stay overnight. Fourth, we have been "broken up" almost the entire time he's been gone. Yet he still is asking for girlfriend, almost wifey level, responsibility from me and is still refusing to acknowledge me as so. I wouldn't want to just go over to this house without letting him know and I feel like I still have to ask for "permission" in a way. It feels almost too intimate a task for where I'm at emotionally.

Like the good little co-dependent partner I am, I contacted this aunt and asked if I could stop by their place. I think part of the reason why he wanted me to visit is because he was passing along the self-given responsibility of watching over their place while he is away. His aunt is a travel nurse and is often not at her own house. I think it's a little ridiculous because this isn't even his house. He puts so much unneeded responsibility on himself, and now me, even though NO ONE is expecting it (certainly not his aunt, after all it's her choice to do this with her home).

Obviously this isn't really going to help, "reacting" to the situation rather than being "proactive" about it and going. But I don't really know what else to do. My therapist said that going might or might not help and that maybe it would be better to not go and set boundaries instead. I think I'm just going to go anyway and as he's currently giving me the silent treatment I guess I'm going to go without telling him.

I'm so tired...I'm emotionally numb. I don't get any joy from the calmness anymore, I feel like I just live in anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have no idea if he's going to get over this or not. I don't know if I even care anymore. Can I really do this for the rest of my life? Is it dumb/naive to think things will be better/fixed when he comes back?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You have a partner with a personality disorder. The only way issues that crop up due to a mental health problem will be *fixed* is if he commits to therapy. Otherwise you will see issues like this repeat indefinitely.

You are lying to friends and family. This is isolating you. You are desperately wanting him to *trust* you, while he has no similar obligation.

We tell members not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).    https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

What would happen if you shared the reality of your relationship with family and friends?

[LDRStrugglebus]

Deep down, I know that this is toxic behavior and I'm afraid of saying it out loud because it makes it "true". I know that this isn't normal, but once I say something it can never be unsaid and may affect other people's perceptions of my partner (i.e. breaking up with someone and then talking badly about them to your family, but then getting back together with that person).

I feel like people outside of those who deal with personality disorders are less understanding of these behaviors. That doesn't excuse any of these behaviors or make them less terrible. But I think that they may be quick to dismiss or give up on a person with BPD, whereas we've already been drawn into their orbit. We are committed, for better or worse.

Over the last week, I've been letting this newest drama play itself out. The blowout wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He hasn't gone into his usual deep spiral of despair. At least not for more than a day or two.

I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip on reality. Am I really as terrible of a partner as he makes me out to be? It's always "woe is me, I sacrifice so much to make this work while you don't do anything. I've given you so many opportunities to do better, but you're still not putting in enough effort. You're wasting time, while I slave away. I'm basing life/career choices around you, while you get to enjoy a comfortable life."

Going into this I thought I had pretty good self-esteem. It's really taken a beating lately. I know that I'm not perfect and could always improve but I feel like I'm always aiming for an ever moving, ever changing target. Just when I think I'm making headway, there's a new crisis that I wasn't prepared for because I was busy trying to put out some other fire.

I have a full time job, I have to take care of a dog that he gave me, and I have to figure out how to manage this relationship. He thinks I have it easy, but I feel like I'm struggling as is. Am I just inadequate? Am I ever going to live up to expectations? I feel like I'm never good enough, like I'm unworthy...

[LDRStrugglebus]

He keeps asking me "where do we go from here?"

I really don't have an answer. I don't know how to stop having this back and forth. I don't know how to go back to a place of trust for both of us. I feel like he thinks I'm not reliable and can't trust me. I feel like I can't trust him because he could turn at any moment.

Are there any exercises/conversations that I can have to open up to him emotionally? I know I need to work on my communication. I'm terrified to bring things up to him because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing & rocking the boat. But then he gets mad at me for not communicating better. Help.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't know how to go back to a place of trust for both of us. I feel like he thinks I'm not reliable and can't trust me. I feel like I can't trust him because he could turn at any moment.

What if you’re both right?

He doesn’t trust you because he’s vulnerable to you and fears your judgment or that you could leave him. (Potential self fulfilling prophesies.)

As far as “not communicating better” you probably do fine with people who don’t have personality disorders.

You ask for an exercise for communicating more effectively with him. Try D.E.A.R.M.A.N.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

It will feel clunky until you get the hang of it. It was developed by Marsha Lineman, who was profoundly affected by BPD as a young person. Learning how to communicate with a PwBPD (person with BPD) is like learning a foreign language. So many things you could say freely to a “non” will set them off into a spiral of anger and despair.