Feeling stupid...again

[Voudou]

So for like the one-millionth time, I have been recycled. For the past several weeks' things were seemingly going well. She stated she loves me, moved a lot of things of mine into her home, things "feel so different"...kaboom. Stressors have come up with in my personal life and have left me worn. I recently statrted a new job in April and my dog went to live with my mother. I took her to the vet and discovered she has cancer and the prognosis was two to six months. In addition, my dog had to get her leg amputated due to the severity of the pain she was experiencing. I live about 3 hours from her so I have been commuting for the most part. My partner was all supportive, spent the week at my mother's to help. I have been a little down naturally and tired...so tired. In addition to this stressor, I have noticed she wants no physical contact with me. I tried to ignore it but began to feel somewhat rejected because I could feel her pulling away from me again.

I attempted to talk about it and it became a battle royal with her yelling about me being passive-aggressive and she has non-verbally told me she wants a sexless relationship right now and now she feels cornered, overwhelmed, and smothered. She has also lumped me in by using the words anyone and everyone which has opened a new feeling of being just a generic no one to her.

This past weekend we had plans to stay at my mother's and she told me that she was feeling emotionally empty and her stomach was so tied up in knots. I tried to be understanding and gentle and kind. Sunday she tells me Saturday night with a friend and invited her ex along. While I appreciate her honesty, her telling me that was like a knife in my heart. It hurts me still. I went off. I finally stood up to her and told her all the things that have been eating at me. Then the victim "could it really all be me," am I the cause of everything.

My partner is already in therapy but has agreed to go to counseling. I am honest here and will admit that my communication skills are shot. Either I do not validate her enough or am passive-aggressive or don't talk at all. She has left me so insecure and fearful of a breakup that I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore. There is a part of me that questions why I stay. She is a good person and a person of value and one who is worthy of love. I just need to learn to take care of myself but I am unsure of how anymore, I have spent so long wither broken up hoping she will come home or waiting for the shoe to drop when we are together. I know there is a better way. Has anyone had luck with couples counseling? We have also been looking at apps like Lasting or Relish. Also, should I leave the ex thing alone or should I ask if she has made any other plans with them. It is eating me alive. She says we need to stick with basic conversation so she does not feel any pressure. In my mind, I say why talk at all then. I feel like this is yet another impasse. Like she just wants to break up but won't because it told her it is what she does every time we make positive headway in our relationship or she is waiting to say "see I tried" or waiting for her friends to say do it or her therapist. I feel like I am in a den with hungry lions.

I haven't been around here for a while. My last breakup made me resolve to keep away and I guess in away I harbor some shame for going back again. Thanks for still being here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry about your dog. I’m an animal lover and I know how hard it is when they are in declining health. 

With a new job and commuting, you’ve had a lot of stressors happen at once.

You were hoping the best with this recent recycle and things haven’t turned out as you’d wished. How has she emotionally supported you amidst all the stress you’ve been experiencing recently?

[Voudou]

Actually, she has been wonderful up until very recently. As much as I have read I still don't get it. The weekend of the 4th went well and she was talking about how good of a place we were in. We had an issue that when I was talking she picked up her phone and started doing something else. I told her it hurt my feelings, she apologized but it seemed that she started to begin pulling away. We had a nice time after the incident but I could feel it. I felt the drift. the past weekend things seemed even more distant and I attempted to discuss it and it has blown so far out of any normal conversation. I know it is not just her, I get it but I can move on and she cannot. She went out for dinner the night of our discussion and I texted her as I went into work hoping she was out of dinner. I did not feel good about where things were and was hoping to maybe get a sense of the direction we were headed. She accused me of trying to ruin her dinner and has since shut down. She says she is overwhelmed, smothered, and cornered. I am not sure what that means in reality but I know for her it is real and I can't fight that. SO I am left out on the edge wondering what comes next. She still says she wants to go couples counseling...just not sure what that will look like.