I think I made things worse

I just ran out this evening. I did not mean to. I was scared and couldn't think. He started yelling at me and threatening to call the cops but I just locked the car doors and drove off.

Ok, so he was agitated at me all day. I know I have been distant from him in the last week. I was trying to figure out my boundaries and plans moving forward. My mind felt like a mess most of the time wondering if I was being to harsh or making the right and necessary changes. 99% of the time I am doing everything for our children, he doesn't usually offer to help and when asked to do something he can get easily frustrated with them and he will just complain. He watched them friday night for the first time since we had baby about 8 mo ago and maybe he felt like I wasn't grateful enough because he was pushing himself since then, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning the garage, yard work...you name it. He kinda does that sometimes, maybe for attention? Not sure. But, obviously I wasn't doing enough and he is trying to prove he does everything. He got upset with me this morning because I did not answer his question correctly. He didn't think our son should go to church because he sounded stuffed up. I responded with a, " oh, i didn't even think about that. Ok. We can stay home if you wanna do that?" Instead of the correct answer which apparently was a straight yes, you are right. Then I was at fault for making him sound like the bad guy. And I don't love him and I am not affectionate with him. And him telling me things are going to change or else. I am successful at calming him down a bit but we are both flustered and not apologizing.
We go out for lunch sometime afterward and he took S5 on bike around neighborhood. I put S5 to nap afterward and ubpdH has also been complaining of pain all day and sighing constantly trying to get my attention and my sympathy. So of course he was irritable after bike ride. He was also upset because he came in and told me S5 had scraped H's bike and was kinda upset but seemed to let it go but our S heard him say that and that had upset H that he made S feel bad. So after all this and I am nursing baby for his nap. H wants to ask me if I am mad and I can't even remeber my response because I usually just lie and say no. But we are conversing and he is upset with me because i didnt help him clean the garage last night at 10 while i was putting baby to sleep and how i don't take initiative to call a contractor for our deck he had to replace. And just as a side note, i had numerous conversations with him about having someone do it because he doesn't have the time. But he always said no because he didn't have the money. And he was just saying other ridiculous things. So I am trying to understand what he is saying and respond make things clearer that he feels i am not meeting his expectation s and again threatening me this time saying that things are going to change in 30 days or else he is moving us all out ...somewhere.
He is trying to get me to engage in a argument though and keeps trying to get to me. He keeps wanting me to respond to what do i want for the future? Do I even have any dreams? Blah blah. I tell him," I'm not sure if this your intention but you are coming at me very aggressive. I heard what you said and i will think on everything you said, but I wont beable to respond right now. At this moment I need some space to think and respond" He changed his tone but still asked and basically got same answer from me. I might have done somethjng wrong with my response but I felt like I gave him a boundary that I needed him to respect and give me some space to think. Because i can never think when he is on a mission to make feel small. He just kept asking every 2 minutes if I was ready to talk.The last time I answered that "no, I did not want to talk to him while he was agitated." And he just got up, was obviously upset and starting packing a bag. At this point I think, ok thats fine we can have space tonight and talk tomorrow and I will be able to think how and what to discuss with him. BUT then he starts packing S5 stuff and I asked what are you doing and he said he is taking S with him. He knows how to scare me...i say your agitated and its fine if you need some space but leave him out of it. He cant go with if your mad.of course he said no and that I was the agitated one and he was going to do what he wanted. I checked myself, because I was starting to panic inside and was firm that I am calm and have been calm. He goes off again on not being appreciated he does so much more then basically anyone, things are gonna changr rihht now and blah blah. So to get him to calm down and not take son I have to make him feel better and explain how grateful we all are. He is moving around a bit now, oh and during all this I am trying to nurse baby.so once he moves i get my keys and phone in pocket and position myself in front of hallway to S room. He eventually just goes in to our room to lay down and shuts the door. I am so scared at this point and maybe even also because when he threatened viloence against us it was while he was driving and angry. This was prbly 3 to 4 years ago but it still upsets me. But, i am so scared i just can't think what to do. I don't think he is done with his mood but I am not sure. I don't have someone nearby to call to come over so i tried to call my mom but can't really talk to her without being overheard.
But i come up with a plan that i will tell him that my sister called and asked if the boys wanted to come.over to play with their cousins. So i can get out and think clearly for a minute. Well, i go in there and i am telling him whats going on and he just keeps asking why I am going, acting like he is so confused with what I am doing and why I would do that when she is like 25 min away and it is almost 5 (we usually see them sunday around lunch time) keep trying to explain while pushing 5S out the door and H starts screaming my name from across the house but i keep going until I am outside because I know he will not yell at me out there if anyone can hear him.
He tries to get me back inside to talk and asking what i told my sister, I say no, I didn't say anything, theyare waiting for me as i am locking the kids in the car he runs at the car trying to snatch S5 telling me he is going to call the police. I drive off so shaken and scared and so is my son. I call my mom trying to explain what is going on and she tells me to go to my sisters house. She called her and let her know i was coming. He keeps calling me and i dont answer so afraid i am going to see him in my rearview mirror. They have me park in the garage just as my H is pulling up. Me and my kids are safe inside as my H argues with my BIL outside. Everyone knows my dirty little secret now though and I feel guilt and shame.

We are staying the night at my sisters house and my son said so many devastating things tonight especially as i got him ready for bed. He has seen and heard too much already thinking he needs to defend me. But I try to make it clear to him that it is not his job its my job and that with me he is always safe. I am so tired and scared. I think i just made everything so much worse. But at this moment I feel safe and I know 100% my kids are safe.



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