Having your first child when a family member has uBPD

[Melannie]

Hello,

I thought I'd post separately to ask this question as my pregnancy has me wanting to hear what others' experience has been having their first child while they have a relative with uBPD, I'm anticipating a very new set of issues and attacks. It's almost like giving birth to the ultimate vulnerability, my ego as a mother, and I feel that needs protecting. I'm speaking to a therapist at BetterHelp right now but am curious to hear what happened when you got pregnant and had a baby, is there any pattern or things to expect from the relative?

[Turkish]

My ex, the mother of our children, is BPD-lite. She is clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was rough.

More similar to your situation (it's your sibling, yes?), my mother had PTSD, depression, anxiety, and likely BPD. Especially being a nurse, she thought she was entitled (assumed) that she'd be in the birthing room. My ex only wanted me and her own mother. My mom was, as they say, "butt-hurt" that she had to wait in the waiting room with the rest of the family. So boundaries are important. I was a little bothered, I do think that my mom would have been helpful, but I wasn't the one giving birth. I had no illusions, but I saw how personal, emotional,
and vulnerable the experience was.

Boundaries are important. This is your show, no one else's.

Many years later, I heard from my mom's neighbor second- hand that my mom complained to her that I wouldn't let my mom babysit our then toddler. My mom was a hoarder, the filthiest kind. No way in hell I'd even entertain that thought, and it's good she never asked.

In the few months my mom lived with me and the kids, my then 7 year old with diagnosed ASD1 had a meltdown because I didn't stop for ice cream. Screaming, kicking the back of my seat. My mom was in the passenger seat. It was a short drive but my mom didn't handle it well. When we got home, I sent my son to his room to cool off. 20 minutes later, he came out right as rain (I'd learned). My mom disappeared into the drizzle for over an hour. She returned soaked.

Later that night, we were on the back porch for a smoke and apropos of nothing, she said, "do you know the problem with parents these days?" I knew what was coming, but played dumb. "Parents aren't hard enough on their children." Passive-agressive *slam* to me.

I was a very calm child, an old soul. I knew how my mom would have handled my son, she would have beaten the crap out of him. I glad I didn't have autism.

Boundaries aren't to control others, they're rules that align with your personal values. What kinds of things do you anticipate?

[Fairybells]

Hi, when I had my baby my uBPD mum came to see her in hospital and made a big scene, all excited and loud and embarrassing. The day I took my baby home, looking forward to time with just my husband and baby, I opened the door and was shocked to find my mum sitting there, she had let herself into my house with the spare key without telling us. She started seeing me a lot then after not seeing much of her during my pregnancy. She tried to come between my husband and myself. She gave him a terrible time, causing all sorts of trouble. She would criticize him as a father and say she was more to our baby than what he was.

She never helped with babysitting or anything, she maybe babysat about 5 times in 10  years, but would be in our house all the time, even when my husband would come home from work. I had to ask her to babysit when my daughter was a toddler once, it was only for 1 hour and I came back to find my windows and doors all chalk drawings, she had let D. do this as she 'couldn't cope'. She complained constantly if she ever looked after her for even 10 minutes without me, saying she wasn't fit enough (she was). She ruined many birthday parties.

This was years ago, this was all before I woke up to what she was doing as I had been trained since a child to look after her. When I look back I wish I had stuck up for my husband more.

Wishing you a healthy, happy time.

[Cait]

It's good you asked this question as I was blindsided when I was pregnant and had to deal with my BPD brother's response. The first thing I will say is that in my experience, people with BPD do not handle any stress and a change in family dynamic well. With my brother, I think he could sense that I was excited and my parents were too (first time becoming grandparents) and that the way our family always revolved around him and his problems were being put in jeopardy.

From the moment I told my brother I was pregnant, I could tell he was not truly happy for me - he made it all about him. I think it put into perspective that he does not have a partner and hasn't reached other adult milestones. What should have been happy news turned into me feeling guilty for him feeling bad.

Fast forward to the actual week I gave birth, he threatened suicide with my parents and made a huge scene - I do not think for one minute this was coincidental timing. I remember coming home with my baby and having to be on the suicide hotline, it was just awful. I'm not saying my brother did this on purpose, but I do think he was absolutely wanting to make sure that my parent's and mine attention was still focused on him.

My biggest advice to you is to sit down and write down clear boundaries ahead of time for yourself regarding the BPD loved one in your life - and then stick to them. It is not your role to manage their feelings, only they can do that work. Try to validate emotions when you can but do not validate bad behavior. And try to enjoy this special time in your life, and make sure to not let them rob you of this happiness. Wishing you all the best.

[Choosinghope]

Hi Melannie 

I don't have much insight to add, as I've never gone through this personally. What I will say is that I watched my uBPDm handle the birth of my sister's first baby, and that taught me some very important lessons. Like Cait said, set your boundaries and firmly stick to them. Your pwBPD will probably feel any boundaries as a personal attack, but that really isn't your problem. You'll have enough to be thinking about and worrying about with a new baby. My sister set the boundary that she and her husband wanted to be alone at the hospital and that they would tell my parents when they were ready for a visit. My mom took that boundary as a complete rejection and pretended that my sister and her daughter had died in childbirth. It was quite melodramatic and disturbing, but I learned a good lesson watching that. Don't spend any extra energy trying to placate your pwBPD. He/she will either get over it or they won't, but at the end of the day, you will have a new baby and you won't to fight to preserve the joy of those moments.

[alterK]

Excellent question, Melannie, and good you are asking it now, before you have your baby. Cait put it best: "People with BPD do not handle any stress and a change in family dynamic well." As you can see from the responses to your post, though, there is a lot of variety.

In my family the reaction of my uBPD wife soon after my daughter-in-law became pregnant was withdrawal, and our marriage has since changed a lot, not for the better. People with BPD are ruled largely by fear, and fear of abandonment being one of the biggest, the arrival of a new person who gets love and attention can be seen as a major threat.

I think the only thing you can be reasonably sure of is that something can happen that may cause you more difficulty than you would normally expect, just with the tasks of caring for a new baby. It may be that you are already noticing some changes since you have become pregnant.

It's hard to give advice, since no one can predict exactly what will happen, and of course you can always hope that your fears won't materialize! If you are reading baby books, spend some time also reading some of the books recommended on this website. You won't be able to change the pwBPD, but you can help yourself...and your baby.

[Smj91]

Hi! I’m in a very similar boat. My sister has BPD and NPD and I am currently 8 months pregnant. As I have become more pregnant and have gotten more attention from family and friends, my sister has become more volatile. She told us last night that she wants to move across the country right after the baby is born. She has no plan and naturally knew this would be alarming for my family. She needs constant support, so when everyone will be offering to support me and the new baby she will most likely use this as an attack saying that we all don’t want her to move and that we’re sabotaging her plans. I know I’m speaking into the future, but my I know sisters pattern of behavior. A similar issue took place when I was married three years ago. As for boundaries, I’m looking for those myself. I want to have a conversation with her about what my life will look like after I have this baby, but I don’t know what is worth talking about and what isn’t. It’s definitely something I need to
work out with my therapist. If you already had your baby, congrats and I’m so curious to see how this is all working out for you.