Questioning whether I loved them in the first place?

[IntoTheWind]

I believe I have traits that naturally lead to me be being attracted/fulfilled by situations that pwBPD create. I think even without the love bombing I'd have stayed in the relationship to "figure it out" and "win" so to speak. My ex was incredibly attractive, and there were certainly good times there but I'm beginning to wonder whether I actually loved this person or whether I was just addicted to the game. I'm finding it really difficult to split the hairs, I never really knew who my ex was, so how could I love someone that I don't understand? Did I even care about their best interest or did I just want to keep them? It hurt like no other breakup did, but is that because the person meant a lot to me, or is it because I lost connection to a person that created addictive and disruptive situations that stimulated me? I just tried to write down a few paragraphs about who my ex was and I can only name physical traits, the job they had and a few really simple things, most of our interactions were very "game-y" and it was a constant power struggle. I couldn't describe who they are in detail like I could with my exes, what their mission is or what they want in life, I barely knew her, even the things she said were directly from her mother/friends mouths. Maybe your experience is different. I definitely knew something was wrong, but I always relied on my problem solving skills to move forward and "crack the code", I figured I'd eventually manage to solve it and that if I could just be immune to the emotional damage for long enough I'd break through. It was only when I started noticeably losing weight that I realized it was badly wrong. I certainly bit off more than I could chew in that relationship, I think the only way to stay with them is to sacrifice your soul or somehow not care at all about what how they treat you.

Has anyone begun to have this realization?

I'm also wondering if others share these traits:

• Problem solver
• Perseverant/Dedicated
• Tolerant to adversity
• Hate losing
• Need for constant mental stimulation
• Savior complex

[ILMBPDC]

I am a huge problem solver (so much so its part of my job!) and and very perseverant.  I hate being proven wrong and even though I hate to admit it I probably have a savior complex or at least I want to be needed.  I know I have my own mental health issues and I think some of this is part of my own fear of abandonment/attachment disorder. I, too, wanted to "solve" the problem - or help him work on it (he was the one who told me he has BPD, though undiagnosed, and he even asked me to help him make a list of make DPT therapists, which I did. Did he ever see one?  Not that I'm aware of. ). I think deep down I was hoping that I would be so important to him he could never discard me. Boy was I wrong.

What I have been wondering lately is if people who put up with a pwBPD all have some mental health issue of their own - personality disorder or something else like depression. I can't see a well adjusted person putting up with their crap for very long and yet so many things I read seem like people on these boards/forums all do it repeatedly.  I'm not trying to judge or assume, I'm genuinely curious.

[Sappho11]

Yes to all of your points, IntoTheWind.

A personal no to the mental health issues – was recently cleared by my therapist, no disorders of any kind, healthy and sound.

I wouldn't even say that many people start a relationship with a pwBPD in times of crisis. I know I didn't. In fact, if anything, pwBPD seem to be attracted to healthy, well-adjusted people because they hope these people can fix their problems.

My ex and I lived parallel lives in a professional capacity for two years. I was privately miserable for long stretches of that time. However, once everything in my life was going really well, he began to pursue me romantically. And only then, with my mind free to roam, I began to take note of him.

One mustn't forget that most pwBPD don't present as "raging mad" from the start. Many are good at keeping up an attractive, elaborate facade – often one personalised to fit the desired future partner's needs and wishes.

I surmise most of us fell in love with the facade. Who wouldn't? It all seemed so perfect in the beginning. Almost all of us had moments of doubt where our reason would tell us "This is too good to be true". But then you want to believe the fairy tale: it doesn't only feel so, so sweet, it's also really tangible and right in front of us, and looks and feels so real...!

Don't bash yourselves. You fell for a picture of a perfect person because that's a human thing to do. We all want to be understood. And when there's someone who seems to understand us on a deeper level, we fall.

That doesn't make us neurotic or mentally unhealthy. It just means we're capable of forming deep attachments. The only tragedy in these relationships is that the pwBPD doesn't.

[Sappho11]

I was wrong!

Apparently people with BP traits (traits, not disorder) appear to be attracted to one another.

According to one study, in married couples where the wife has BPD, 45% of the husbands have at least one personality disorder. That's a lot higher than the general population, where 10-15% have personality disorders.

Source: 10 Signs of a Wife with Borderline Personality Traits by Dr. Todd Grande https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb9SyOQ2zAU