Endless rehashing of old resentments

[Gully Foyle]

Hello, this being my first post I'm not sure what to say.  My relationship with my wife has deteriorated over the years and nothing seems to be working.  I am concerned that my wife has BPD.  I have been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which led me to this group.  I'm looking for help, advice, and maybe a place to vent.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

What are some of the issues you are struggling with?

[Gully Foyle]

Hello,
My wife and I have been married almost 29 years and it has been a rocky road for many of those years.  We've been in and out of counseling, both couples and individual (currently in).  My therapist recently suggested that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  What an eye opener!  So much of my wife's behavior "makes sense" in the context of a person with BPD.  So I am reading and trying to learn how to make things better.  She has not been formally diagnosed with BPD, but our couples therapist has strongly recommended that she get DBT training.

One of the issues I have been struggling with has been her anger and resentment regarding conflicts we have had in the past.  Some of these resentments go back to before we were married.  When she gets triggered, I am subjected to a raging rundown of all the times that I have hurt her and how they all tie together into an on-going pattern of malicious behavior.  She demands that I acknowledge the truth of what she says.  She demands apologies that are always rejected as being insincere.  Lately she demands explanations of what I was thinking at the time.  Nothing I say is ever enough for her to let go of the issue.

One of the things I am learning is to set boundaries.  So, I have begun telling her that I will no longer discuss these past issues with her.  This has helped, but she still brings up her resentments whenever she can.  This morning we were supposed to discuss an assignment from our therapist, and within 10 minutes it turned into another gripe session.  My questions are:  is this inability to let go of past resentments typical of people with BPD?   Does anyone have any suggestion for how I should respond to her when she starts on the warpath?

[Gully Foyle]

My relationship with my wife of 28 years has been deteriorating for years, but somehow we stay together.  While she has legitimate reasons to complain about my behavior, she refuses to accept responsibility for her own.  For years, when she gets triggered I have been treated to rants about all of my misdeeds going back to when we were dating.  No amount of acknowledgement, explanation, or apology is enough to enable her to let any of these past resentments go.  She has a very distorted memory of events from our past and uses it to remind me repeatedly that I have ruined her life, made it a living hell, blames me for all of her unhappiness.  I bottomed out about a year ago with severe depression, anxiety, insomnia.  I had just retired and was facing the prospect of being with her full time.  We have been in couples & individual therapy since then.  My therapist introduced me to BPD a few weeks ago so I have been reading and trying to learn some of the tools.  Our couples therapist managed to get her started on DBT without telling her she might have BPD.  But she insists that she does not need weekly sessions, and it is my fault that the therapist has made that recommendation.  Fortunately, she does not exhibit the extremes that I have read about, and it only comes out with me and I think her brother.  So now I am struggling to accept my new reality, learn as much as I can as quickly as I can.  At least now know what is going on and that there is help available.

[once removed]

My questions are:  is this inability to let go of past resentments typical of people with BPD?   Does anyone have any suggestion for how I should respond to her when she starts on the warpath?

sure. its typical for anyone really, who is in a dysregulated state. someone who is so wound up, that any response really, is pretty much guaranteed to wind them up even more.

theres not really any winning or calming someone in that state. the very short answer, when it comes to how to respond, is with deescalation. what that looks like depends a lot on you, your partner, your relationship, and a lot of trial and error. just for example, it probably does more harm than good to discuss her past resentments when shes that worked up. its not, necessarily, to say that they arent worth discussing when she gets back to baseline. it depends on a lot of things, and there really isnt a blanket, one size fits all answer when it comes to how to handle these things.

can you give us a recent example? we can walk you through it.

[blackorchid]

Hi Gully,

Welcome to the BPD family, I hope we can all help you 

[blackorchid]

yeah my partner also does this, he'll even bring up imagined issues from the past again and again

[Cat Familiar]

Not accepting responsibility for her behavior is classic BPD. There’s nothing you can do about that, other than accept that is par for the course. It’s frustrating when your partner is otherwise a reasonable and mostly logical individual. And sometimes she might surprise you by doing just that. One thing that is almost a certainty is if you ask for accountability, you will be disappointed.

You are under no obligation to sit and listen to her rants. You can politely excuse yourself, telling her a time when you will return, and saying something like, “We can continue this conversation when we are more centered.”

This certainly will elicit even a worse reaction in the moment, but if you hold strong and return when you said you would, it will give her time to self soothe, a behavior pattern that most of us learn to do as toddlers, but for people with BPD (pwBPD) is a underdeveloped skill.

As you’re aware, no amount of apologies or explanations will suffice. We tell people not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) to their BPD partners. It doesn’t work and only makes them more entrenched in their anger.  

Click on this link for more information dont JADE

[Gully Foyle]

Thanks for the replies.  Some old resentments that have come up recently is that whenever we went on trips or vacations together, I would not talk to her or, when I did, was rude and hateful.  This proves I don't lover her.  My memory differs.  It is true that I am a introspective person and sometimes don't talk a lot.  My wife on the other hand requires constant talk and interaction.  Since I am not satisfying her need, she says I don't love her and the vacation has been ruined.  She does not remember anything good or fun that happened on any of our trips.

I have started telling her that I won't be participating in discussion of past issues that we have covered already.  This has helped already, in that she  now adopts a seemingly reasonable tone at least at the start of the discussion.   But she still escalates quickly and is still looking to me to fix her somehow.   She has started pleading that these discussions help her to let go of things, but there is no end to it.  So I need to make a diligent effort to stay out of the JADE trap.

[once removed]

So I need to make a diligent effort to stay out of the JADE trap.

yes. but you dont want to stonewall.

loving someone with BPD is about drawing reasonable limits, and at the same time, acknowledging what amount to special needs.

our loved ones have an extra need to "be heard". at the same time, that need can be expressed in extreme, even abusive ways.

its a fine line. it could, for example, be something as simple as wanting extra attention or reassurance from you.