Duped_312
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 26
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« on: August 04, 2021, 09:03:06 PM » |
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Its been 6 months since my ex fiancé officially had his full breakdown.
I've posted on here a few times since then, but have been quiet for the last couple months.
His behavior in the last 6 months has varied: from chill and easy to communicate with (sending pics of our 2 babies, including him about our son's camp enrollment, my arranging a Father's Day weekend day for them); to absolutely psychotically off the rails (verbal--well, texting-- abuse, completely illogical thoughts, obsessions with my parents, sending everyone horrible texts calling them c*nts and gold diggers, calling me nothing more than a pregnant dumb b*tch, the devil, etc.). All of that sounds about right, right? From one end of the spectrum to the other. Except lately, there is no spectrum anymore really. It's just all off the rails now.
Most recently, he spent two weeks just totally off the hizzy. His mother has no idea about how he acts and what he says to me, to my mom, to my dad, about us all. She thinks he's been paying me child support (he hasn't), she thinks he's doing okay and taking his meds (he clearly is not), she is stupid and I can't stand her, but I had to include her to tell her about all this. I sent her a text saying you better tell that son of yours to leave me the f alone bc he's been harassing me and my mother for weeks and I've seen a lawyer. Muzzle your stray dog. Within a minute he went radio silent and has been ever since. Thank god. Only smart thing those two pieces of garbage have ever done.
I did see a lawyer and we came up with a plan. I went to family court two days ago and picked up paper work for custody and child support. I don't really care what visitation is, its not my problem. If he wants to he is welcome to do what I did and walk into family court and file for visitation. Im not doing anything of the sort for that. My lawyer does not want him anywhere near me or these children until something structured is in place. Even his mother.
He still refuses real help. He started some kind of therapy, which as far as I know they told he has depression and put him on Prozac. He complained it made him tired and Im fairly certain he's never gone back, and stopped taking the prozac. I can't be certain I guess, but he does not take medication consistently ever, especially if there is even one side effect, so I will assume no. In between all his abuse and meltdowns I have pleaded that he get help. That he just go somewhere. He says all i have to do is say we are back together afterwards and he'll go. I have called him on this bluff in the past. He is never going. I read the webpage here about getting your loved into therapy. I was disheartened. The terms they used are all SO HIM. Its unreal. It is crazy sometimes finally learning words for all this. I understand that he is probably never going to get any of this addressed. I understand that he will do this again to another girl. Oh, which by the way he says he already has started. With some 25 year old. He offered to show me pictures. I politely declined. He will hook someone very easily, like he did me. He will appear as a single dad, down on his luck, aw shucks, getting back on his feet. Just like he did with me. He will investigate her through questions to find out what she's got to offer... does she live alone, have wealthy-ish parents that have a lifestyle that might benefit him somehow? Does she cook? Does she drive? I fell for it all, so I'm not surprised someone else would. He is a predator of sorts. I hate every single thing about him.
I used to really struggle with immense guilt. IMMENSE guilt. I felt like I was abandoning one of my children. Like the mothers on Intervention. That just keep giving their kids money, keep giving them food and housing and drugs and let them steal and lie. Stay up stressed, experience health problems bc of them.. That was me, with a 45 year old man. I struggled deeply with feeling like abandoned him bc thats what he made me feel like I did. Meanwhile he is the one who abandoned us with his behavior. His narcissistic personality disorder has also reared its head more clearly now as well, as I hear him try to convince me that I'm only doing this bc i've been manipulated, I'm lucky he still loves me, I need to snap out of it and come back. His problem was that he actually did love me. He was a BPD narcissist who actually fell in love. And he f*cked it up. And he lost me. And that is making him INSANE. He let his disorders screw up his life. And I tell him that all the time. I call it Dennis 1 and Dennis 2. I say that Dennis 2 is out to ruin your life and you let him. If you are not ok with that then you need to go get help. He disagrees and says it was me who ruined his life. I've only known him 6 years. He is 45. He had a lot of ruin going on long before he ever met me. He doesn't see it though. The guilt has started to dwindle away. There were times in the beginning where I thought I'd never get over it. But I really have started to and it is very rewarding to know that feelings are not facts.
I have begun some counseling as well. I have a lot of manipulation and brainwashing and trained behaviors to unpack. I had a role in our demise and it is important that I not focus my time there on him so much. F*ck him. He's a hopeless loser who would do everyone a favor if he just ran away into the night and disappeared forever. My therapy is about me. My future, my improvements, my coping. It's been crazy telling this story to a professional. Well two. My lawyer and my therapist. It is very difficult to see their reactions sometimes bc I feel so stupid for not realizing how bad it was, when it is so effing obvious.
My children are thriving and happy and well taken are of. We are broke and going broker by the minute but we are safe and well fed and trying to enjoy summer. We are infinitely better off with out that deadbeat in our lives. I still have pictures up on my walls of him with the babies, but I really want to take them down. I have felt it was important to have the kids see him and know there was a relationship there, but Im not sure it matters at this point. My father was a homeless drunk for the first 10 years of my life. He only re-entered physically once he was back on track and confident he could develop and maintain our relationship. We are now best friends. He knew he was of no use to me at his worse. My ex cannot see that. My mother didn't have any pictures of my father around the houses we lived. It didn't impact me to the point of not knowing who he was or interfering in a relationship. She divorced him very quickly after I was born. They hated each other. She "stole" me away from him, according to him, while my mother basically rescued us both from his drunken tirades. Cut to now...they are extremely close adult friends and we are as close of a family as any I know. Man do they have their faults, but I am so grateful to have them in my corner. They are a tremendous example. My ex has nothing even remotely close to this and he is horribly and paralyzingly jealous. My whole point to him is to stop obsessing over controlling the "now" and think about the future. Be your best self possible. Kids don't care when you show up, as long you show up GOOD. He doesn't agree he doesn't care he just wants to control the situation, complain about my parents rejecting him, blame everyone but himself.
Its been a very volatile 6 months. Mostly for him. I've been relatively even keeled and have begun my long shelved journey to self care. I got put on Lexapro, I'm seeing a counselor, I have a new PCP to check up on me, I got an MRI of my back, extensive bloodwork I haven't had in decades. I have stopped waiting for friends to offer their time to me and began reaching out more myself and as a result have had lots of visitors and playdates. He on the other hand has gone nowhere, done nothing, accomplished nothing, improved nothing. His father's day with the babies was lovely and I felt like maybe we could really do this again. But I was wrong. He has never asked see the kids in any way other than "I don't care about you or your mother, just let me see my kids and we'll be good". That's about it. He has never taken me up on any other offer to see them. I had to arrange the entire day for Father's Day, he didn't ask. He doesn't want to actually see them. He just wants to control me and make demands. Or Dennis 1 wants to see them, but Dennis 2 steals the genuine-ness away.
He also is refusing to work so he can keep collecting unemployment, and claimed our daughter on his taxes so he has received all the stimulus checks and the child tax credit and refused to give it me. I am in the process of reporting him to the state for fraud and amending my tax return to indicate that he fraudulently claimed our daughter and stole government support. I know nothing will happen with months and months and months, but f*ck him. I work too hard to be screwed over like that. I have family members buying diapers and formula for us, and he hasn't offered a single penny. He knows they get child care, not a dime. He doesn't engage in any way in their lives. But tell me again "let me see my kids and we''ll be good". Idiot. He thought I ruined his life before? He's not ready for what's in his future at this point.
I knew thinking things would be okay by this point was a pipe dream. I only thought things would have been improved for him bc when it was really bad he was lucid enough to say he needed help. I thought, okay, acceptance is the first step. But Dennis 2 has slowly taken over more and more of his day, where he no longer has the hours of clarity, he doesn't even have minutes anymore, its more like mere seconds. If that. He cannot really function anymore, truthfully. He is not really a real person anymore, if that makes sense.
In the end, we are better without him. He was a disease. And we are currently on a series of antibiotics to get rid of it. Unfortunately, he is one of those diseases that once you get it once, you get it again and again. I do wish him the best, but I wish HIM the best, not Dennis 2. I don't know where Dennis 1 is anymore, but I do wish that person the best. It only benefits everyone to have him be his best. But I am increasingly more and more hopeless about the outcome.
If anyone has anything encouraging or honest to say I'd love to hear it. <3
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