My ex is the biggest disappointment I've ever experienced in my life

[IntoTheWind]

I've had a few days where I've started to feel like the old me. I'm looking like myself again, I lost a lot of hair during the relationship and my weight is coming back, I look good again. I can safely say that she was the biggest disappointment I've ever come across in my life. Future faking, selfish, abusive, uncompassionate and generally unfit to be in a relationship with ANYONE, I actually recall saying to her on one of the breakup phone calls that she needs to never do this to anyone again.

I'm so glad I had the boundaries to tell her exactly what I thought before we broke up. I was so right to do that, I'm proud of myself, I was completely depressed and alone in a new country and able to push back against the only person I had, because they were stealing my soul piece by piece. For a long time I was stewing in my own feelings of guilt, I felt like I needed this person. I've remembered so many instances of bull I put up with over the last few days.

It's so easy to make excuses for them, "they're not well", "they can't help it". They know right from wrong. Put the onus back on them to be responsible for their own behavior. If you were like me, feeling like you're the "protector" of this person, you start accepting the invalidation/abuse as just part of your role, you take this stuff on the chin so you can get through it, the "good times" are just on the other side of this next bit of abuse. Spoiler: they're not.

Her completely removing me from her life is the biggest gift she's given me. It's forced NC, and with that NC I've seen through her. They're an illusion, a lie, all style and no substance, a self serving, manipulative coward.

I can't believe I thought that this person held the key to my happiness, it was actually so the other way around it wasn't even funny. They needed me so they could steal my natural happiness, confidence and identity to fuel their own. Well, now I'm away from them, it's coming back, and they're probably onto their next target. I'm so glad I'm free of the drama. No more chuckie, no more walking on eggshells, no more calculating what I have to say or do in advance before seeing her. My own music, my own plans, clothes, financial decisions, food, furniture and free time.

 Phew.

All I wanted was a girl that I could hang with after a stressful day at work and I got pulled into a vortex of .

I'm finally becoming FREE and it feels great.

[Cromwell]

Nice to hear.

Can I ask, what sort of realistic chance is there for her to contact you again? It's helpful to be prepared, at least if it does happen it may be less of a surprise. I say this because some folk get discarded and in such a way they believe its really over and won't hear ever again, but some of those do.

It could be on a day when your feeling strong like today, or it could be that day when depressed and emotionally vulnerable again.

So just to congrats and give a heads up for that.

[Jackal]

Hi IntoInWind,

I'm happy for you, as you seemed to have moved on quite well, and you were able to speak up and stand up to her at the end of the relationship.

May I ask how she came to remove you from her life? I assume because she thought you were a monster or the worst person alive, and not doing enough for her etc., even after you had given your all?

What you mentioned is also my understanding, the illusion/lie part. In hindsight, I can clearly see she manipulated me to contribute to certain things financially. At the end of the relationship, she pushed me either to buy her a new television, or to give her one of mine's. There was no recognition whatsoever, and for her, it was just money; it counted for zero. I was just the means to her end. And if I refused, I was a bad person, I was not respecting her, not caring, etc etc.

My weight also fluctuated quite a bit from my ex's problems (and also is back to normal now . In fact, I had difficulty to live my own life. I could not concentrate as much at work... She was also more and more controlling, on every aspect of my life, even during sex.

I wish you to meet someone else soon!

Cheers

Jackal

[grumpydonut]

never do this to anyone again.

And I quote a recent text from my diagnosed exwBPD: "I was in such a dark place, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve it. I will never treat anyone like that ever again"

She will.

[Sappho11]

And I quote a recent text from my diagnosed exwBPD: "I was in such a dark place, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve it. I will never treat anyone like that ever again"

She will.

Texts like that make me so fricking angry! Why did she even bother to send it to you? If she had any decency, she would have written something along the lines of "I'm truly and deeply sorry – how can I make it up to you?" Not, "Oops, you're damaged goods now. No biggie, I'll try better with the next fresh supply that comes along".

My ex's final message was similar. "You don't need my understanding [for going NC] but you have it. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I'll keep my distance as well and wish you well in your healing process, wherever it may lead you." Never knew one could say " you" in so many pseudo-empathetic words.

[grumpydonut]

Sappho,

If I had have received her message 12 months earlier, I would have been confused and broken.

She sent me many messages a month or so ago, as I have been online stalked and believed it was her (still do). So she used the opportunity to say some things.

She said many things that highlighted that she took no responsibility for her actions, even saying "i guess things work out how they're meant to".

It was just fortunate that places like this forum exist to explain - ahead of time - what is going through their mind! She acted precisely as I expected she would!

And yep, I agree re. your interpretation. Sometimes I feel like they say what they've seen in movies