No chance without proper treatment

[BRD111]

I am in a 20 year marriage but requested a separation a year ago after 5 years of frustration in not being able to get my partner to confront her unhealthy behaviors of high volatility, explosive anger at me, persistent rudeness, hostile environment, name-calling, belittling, and blaming me for every difficulty we have in our relationship (including dealing with our kids) and most of the individual difficulties she has faced. There was also an affair on her part that had already been confessed, ended, and forgiven, but came back again.

At the beginning of the separation she said she would take it seriously and address the issues. But then after some months she switched and said there's nothing wrong with her and that all her problems stem from me being a poor husband and father.

She then demanded that we move back in together (the kids have been living with me) and became very hostile and threatening. I stood firm and refused. I pointed out that the way she was dealing with trying to get what she wants was totally inappropriate, and it reflected the inappropriate way she generally attempts to get what she wants, through demeaning me, guilt, obligation, threats, and coercion. I've seen some of the worst behavior of all lately, including a DUI (a first, although I had expressed seriously concerns previously about her poor judgment in driving after too much alcohol). I thought it was a bottom that would spur her on to begin an intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program I have been asking her to take for some months now. But, as per an old pattern, she at first said she would do it but has now returned to the campaign of blaming me--that I am responsible for causing the upset that led to her drinking that night, and being alone without anyone to watch over her.

Nothing seems to work and the stress of the continuing verbal attacks by phone and text are too much. I still love her and have tried, even during the rough past year, to show that I do still love her and that there is hope we can still be together and she can get better if she would apply herself. But she keeps falling back into asserting that I am the sole or main problem, and it is only if I can fix myself that things can change.

Nothing seems to work to help her see things objectively. Very sad.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

If she has BPD, there is no hope of her seeing things *objectively* as with the disorder, her feelings seem like facts to her.

That you hold out hope for her to begin a cognitive behavioral therapy program necessitates her feeling that she *needs* to do that. It’s much easier for her to blame everything on you.

So what goals do you have for yourself? It seems very unlikely that you will motivate her to change if she hasn’t wanted to do that already.

[BRD111]

Thanks. And yes, I didn't clarify but that is the main issue I'm trying to address is how to help her feel the need to get that help. As for myself, I'm just trying to recognize that it's not in my power or my responsibility to fix her, and to just keep sticking to my boundaries, which is that I can't agree to live together again unless she is actively working to acknowledge and address the issues, enough to show she is serious and to hopefully see some results. Seems that the more I stick to that the more intense the heat gets. But I know that caving in will just make worse long term results for us, despite her obsessive view that it is the only way to fix everything. "I will stop verbally attacking you as the way to get what I want as soon as you give me this one thing that I want" is obviously not something that garners trust--quite the opposite.

Also, still been trying to navigate this issue of her being undiagnosed because (I believe) she doesn't describe the full story of herself to her psychiatrist, and that follows years of not really even trying to get a diagnosis. I attempt to say that it doesn't matter if there's a diagnosis anyway because the behaviors are consistent with BPD and the response and treatment need to be substantially the same even if the ultimate diagnosis remains unknown or comes out different.   But she responds with the dismissive assertion that I'm not a professional mental health care practitioner and don't know what I'm talking about. So, that's a fun one to deal with too.

Thanks. Much appreciated.

[Cat Familiar]

Ok, I understand. You don’t want to return to the relationship unless she consents to get treatment for behaviors that undermine and damage your marriage. That’s perfectly understandable.

She, however, doesn’t see the need to get treatment, because she believes the problem rests entirely with you.

This is the crux of BPD. They have so much internal shame that acknowledging their contribution to relationship problems is so painful, they project their own flaws on their partners. 

Here’s an article about how difficult it is to motivate them to seek treatment: 
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[BRD111]

Thanks, I found the article and the lecture video very helpful. Unfortunately, things have deteriorated more in the relationship. She has gone way overboard with harassment, yelling and screaming at me on the phone and via text, making outrageous accusations about me and demanding that I prove that her accusations are wrong by giving her free access to my phone and computer, emails, etc. I explain that's just a standard right to privacy (reminder, by the way, we are separated and have been for over a year), and have pointed out that demands to monitor a significant other's communications is a widely recognized form of emotional abuse. I'm just not opening up that door. She would take any information she found and use it to launch more investigations of me and inappropriate communications with people in my personal or business life. She already made a recent inappropriate communication with an old girlfriend to see if she would verify my assurances that we have not been seeing each other or been in communication--even though I made very clear to her that this former girlfriend has a condition where stress can cause her seizures.

She excoriated me in front of my son last weekend and he had a breakdown as a result and cried for several hours and pleaded with her "Why don't you ever think about how this  affects me?" A day or two later speaking alone to me, unfazed, she turned it around on me "Your son needs psychological help and thinks he can throw a fit because he eavesdrops on a conversation between two adults."

I just can't take the twisting of reality, constantly being put on the defensive, and the hostility, which is damage to all of us. I told her this morning I would have to go forward with seeking a restraining order if it doesn't stop. She threw her phone across the room and stormed out, threatening to go kill herself. I went to follow her and she looked back to see if I was, and then turned around and came back.

I'm just going to move forward with trying to finalize the divorce. I need to have control over my living space and not be subjected to her coming in to the house any time she feels like it, almost always unannounced and uninvited. I've risked my kids' health and my own to give her chances way too much now. She needs a major intervention.

I guess now my big dilemma is to figure out under what conditions should I call mobile response? I believe she is serious about her suicidal ideation, but is convinced that getting me to do what she wants by any means including threats and guilt-tripping is what will help her most, not seeking professional treatment. If I had called this morning after her threat she would have just lied and said she was fine and was obviously just being dramatic and I only called them because I'm trying to persecute her and create a story that she is crazy.

Such a horrible spot to be in.