Wow Boogie 74, that sounds like a really rough evening. I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I can tell you it sounds pretty similar to the things I've been through. In my case, the police were actually called on me and I was physically wrestled with to prevent me from leaving.
She refused and tried blocking me from leaving. I told her that if she doesn’t let me leave the house I will call the police. Eventually, I left the house- why should I be held to her insistence that she control whether I do laundry? After she told me that I was a monster and she can’t live with me, I texted back that I will find a new place to live.
I drove and went to a gas station. I cooled down a lot and came to my senses- while I know that her response was WAY overblown and controlling, I also recognize that I was wrong- I COULD do a few days laundry and see about whether she ordered new detergent.
So I texted to her that I was wrong. I apologized. And told her I’m buying gas and coming home. She, in return, told me that she threw my laundry downstairs to the front door. Insisted that I wasn’t allowed to do laundry at home anymore.
I got home to my laundry basket in a mess at the door. She is locked in her room. She told me that she can’t trust me anymore- that no one including my family wants to be near me. She often tries gaslighting me about all this stuff.
I don't think you were wrong for wanting to go to the store to get laundry detergent. This seems like appropriate behavior for the situation. What was her reason for not wanting you to go to the store? It seems like it could be related to fear of abandonment. In my therapy session last night, my therapist said, "Try not to listen to the blame, instead, listen to the pain." He's totally right. I'm sure if you had been able to hear through all of the non-sense, somewhere in her rage, she gave you a glimpse of, "Please don't leave me." If you can find it, then you can try to use validating responses. I won't front. It's very hard to do in practice and I'm personally not very good at it.
She involuntarily ruined her birthday yesterday by blowing up at me about something I still don’t know the trigger.
Birthdays are very triggering for BPDs. From my experience, I think they tend to stir up a lot of childhood trauma. My ex actually shared her birthday with her deceased mother. This made it a particularly painful day for her. Chances are you will never fully understand the trigger. If you could go through a time machine to every birthday she had growing up, you could probably find the one that caused the dysregulation yesterday. Then it would make sense to you. Chances are she's still reeling from the dysregulation, related to the birthday and that was what the fight about laundry really was.
She often seems to think things internally to herself and believe that she said it out loud to me. So when she’s upset about something, she mumbles it and then yells at me to open my ears when I tell her I didn’t hear her. Such was the case yesterday, And when I react like a normal human would to an angry rage, I am labeled a monster that likes to ruin her life.
Yep. You will need to learn to manage your reactions, and speak in calm soothing voice during the dysregulations. It's the opposite of every natural instinct a human possesses. It's very difficult to actually do successfully. I recorded a fight recently and can hear how even though I'm not screaming, my tone of voice is escalating the situation. Try to record a dysregulation with your phone in the pocket and review it later. You'll be able to hear your mistakes. Don't ever let her know you're doing it of course...
So now, despite my non-responses of “ok” and validating her feelings, she is blowing up my phone with texts about how I’m a narcissist monster; that shes leaving, that I try to fool everyone about how I treat her- that I’m a jerk, pick your insult.
Yeah, I've read similar phrases so many times. I just don't respond to them.
I really have no plan to fight her if she leaves me. She has no job for the last 6 years- I financially support her. She thinks that I do that to hold it over her head somehow- although I have told her that if she wants to work- I applaud it- even if it starts out part time.
She has a car- although it has been in disrepair for quite a while. For a long time my car was out of commission (about a year) so I had driven hers to work- and things happened like needing new struts and ball joints and tires- so her opinion is (despite that it’s 15 years old) I RUINED her car because it was working fine before I drove it.
What are the good things about the relationship that make it worthwhile to try to hold onto her? There must be good moments, right?
This is a tangent filled mess. I realize that. I also realize that I am not perfect with anger and like anyone else, I have my flaws. But apparently, I have ruined her life.
Please HELP!
I have heard, "You ruined my life." In just about every major game changing argument we ever had. She used this as a guilt trip to get me to stay. It's manipulation pure and simple. For example, "I have no friends anymore, you ruined my life." There was always a shimmer of reality to it. Her roommate/tenant with her own serious issues didn't like me and my presence in the house caused conflict. In hindsight it, actually wasn't really my fault... However, it was a catalyst for me to feel guilty and move in with her. Ultimately, I fell for it every time, until the last time where I finally did leave her and stuck with it.
Don't fall for, "You ruined my life." As adults we are all responsible for our own actions and decisions. If she is dissatisfied with the direction her life has taken, it is up to her to change it. That is not your responsibility.
