Inner child work, recovering from abandonment/discard

[poppy2]

Hi everyone,

So I've been reading a lot of literature in the last two-three months in order to make sense of my experiences, and actually 'psychopath free' really helped me with something today (the book 'from abandonment to healing' also has a long chapter describing something similar, in case anyone is interested).

I feel like I should introduce myself to this group first. I made another post but I think it was too severe and I only got one comment (thankyou once removed!). My relationship was with a quiet borderline, and I didn't know anything about borderline or caretaking beforehand. I went through the typical cycle, except the devaluation came very suddenly and without warning at the end, and then I recieved the silent treatment and was totally blocked. The months before that my ex was very controlling and manipulative, I think in a way she was trying her best inside of the limitations of her illness, but I also think she was delusional (in terms of projecting one damaging behaviour she had done onto me), but I was also very vulnerable at the time and needed support and couldn't properly assert my boundaries. The discard hurt so horribly, I felt so worthless I couldn't even believe it, and that is how I realized someone else was making me feel this way.

Since then I've really been trying to address this abandonment, as well as try somehow to get over the love I felt for my ex, which I still find very difficult. Today I wrote an imaginative dialogue with the part of myself that was still very hurt and damaged. I realized that this part (which we could call the inner, lonely child) felt so rewarded by the initial approval and idealization of my ex that it really 'came alive' and this is one reason why it was so hard for me to let go of this relationship, even when it began to hurt me really badly. I promised this part of myself that I would protect it in the future from any sort of harm like this and try to welcome it into my life. I hope that doing so will mean that I won't be vulnerable to these sorts of relationships anymore.

In a way, the idealization/mirroring is like a gift of the best part of yourself. For example, my ex would say how amazed she was that I could be strong and vulnerable at the same time, or that I could trust people so well, or that I 'helped' her to feel so many of her feelings after we spent time together. Of course, this reflects things that she couldn't do well, or at all. I don't know if these things are more narcissistic, psychopathic, or borderline, it seems to me like all these disorders belong to the same patterns but have very, very different motivations and traumas guiding them. But I decided to take this early stage, the part that was keeping me in pain (otherwise why bother to feel devastated by the loss at all) as a kind of gift of myself and to nurture and cherish that part of myself, to not let the experience destroy me into bitterness. In order for that to be really possible I also need to just let go off so many unjust damages, but I suppose that is just life and I felt today, when I was just really focused on myself, these damages didn't really belong to me anyway, but to her very dysfunctional behaviour and the FOG it created.

Like many other people the lack of closure, the total turnaround, the receipt of hatred/passive aggression/gaslighting and all sorts of other behaviours totally devastated me. I still dream of a moment of mutual recognition, I think because it would be a way of restoring the humanity that I felt she took from me with the way she discarded me. At the same time, I'm hoping that this process of really connecting to what was good, but purely in terms of myself, will help me to regain my footing and basically, leave the PD troubles to those who have them. I don't say that to be cruel - if she had opened up to me about having a PD I really would have tried to be there for her, because I really did love her.

This is also a much longer journey. Starting from the very beginning, about who I was when I met her and how her mirroring made me invest in an 'image of myself' or a form of validation of myself from somebody lacking a constant sense of self themselves, is a huge undertaking. But I feel this is the undertaking that they (PD individuals) thrust on us once what we thought was a mutual reality comes brutally and cruelly crashing down. I also felt, and still do feel, so disempowered by the way she treated me, and I think processing the 'whole' experience to really integrate the most damaged or wounded parts is the only way to achieve lasting empowerment. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to throw bricks through windows, I would, but it's just a way of playing these sick power/control games that have nothing to do with love or a healthy way of being in the world.

I really don't think that time heals all wounds so I was glad today to find an outlet that promises a deeper form of healing. And now the long, long journey begins.

[Cromwell]

Every journey begins with a first step. You've taken yours, sorry for the difficulties you've faced during the relationship and now making sense of the confusing parts. It was new to you, eventually it won't be anymore as you continually learn. Things like anger are part of the grieving it sounds like you are dealing with it in a mature way.

All the best to you poppy2 on the recovery pathway.

Cromwell

[MeandThee29]

I really don't think that time heals all wounds so I was glad today to find an outlet that promises a deeper form of healing. And now the long, long journey begins.

I agree. There will always be a scar, but things do get better. Mine was a marriage of several decades.

It took way longer than I expected to find an even place for me, but the divorce also took way longer than I had hoped. My ex tried to treat his high-powered attorney like he treated me, and needless to say, that blew up. Then his attorney blabbed about it with mine (actually a breach of attorney-client-privilege), but that gave me a sense of closure. When two high-powered, older attorneys tell you that you aren't crazy and that your STBX is crazy, it does help. All of the other legal personnel on both sides were very affirming to me. When I was finally able to close my file, my healing really took off and is still in process.

Closure from my ex though? Not much.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi poppy2 

Inner child work in so importent imho. It's great that you are learning so much. Do you feel you have just one inner child or more than one?

If you want to check out the Parent, Sibling or In law suffering from BPD board, we often do a lot of inner inspection work over there as we learn to heal from the effects of having a parent or relative with BPD. You are welcome to pop in anytime.

Keep learning and growing! Therein lies the key to healing and learning so we can avoid getting back on the merry-go-round again.

 
Wools

[poppy2]

Hi everyone,

Thank you Cromwell for your encouraging words. Can I ask how far along your journey you are (only if you want to share) ? I'm curious how the 'perspective seems from months or years afterwards. For me it's been 4 months, and I notice that the' new posts' here remind me of a time I remember well but am no longer totally inside. So that's progress.

Hi MeandThee, thanks for sharing with me. I think it must have been *super* validating to have the lawyers confirm this for you. I mean everybody is different, and mine was a high-functioning, quiet borderline, like I think only those close to her ever experience the crazy behaviours. I didn't have to go through a divorce, but I could try to take my ex to court for sexual assault if I wanted... but it would create a lot of negative energy and I was too scared she'd turned around and project her behaviour onto me, and there are no other witnesses. I wonder if with the 'externalizing' anger/rage it seems so much more obvious to others... Like, I think part of the gaslighting works so successfully because only those in the intimate situation really see the other stuff. So I was really curious to read your description and how it offered you a form of validation/closure, or at least, closing a chapter and then being able to focus on yourself.

And hey Wools, thankyou for your suggestion.. I had a look on the board but got too overwhelmed by all these different situations. I'd like to read/share about inner child work but it's also tricky as I can't relate to having a BPD parent. Were there any posts/Infos you found particularly helpful about inner child work? (and your question is a good one, I'll have to think about it)

[Cromwell]

Thank you Cromwell for your encouraging words. Can I ask how far along your journey you are (only if you want to share) ? I'm curious how the 'perspective seems from months or years afterwards. For me it's been 4 months, and I notice that the' new posts' here remind me of a time I remember well but am no longer totally inside. So that's progress.

Hi Poppy,

if my own experience is what you wish to relate to,  Youve certainly gone through the worst from about 6 months on the recovery felt  exponential improvements, the depths of depression and anxieties very much brought under control.

I went no contact in late August of 2017. We met briefly again by chance and kept contact for a couple of weeks around May 2018. I realised id simply made a choice in the heat of the moment and realised it wasnt helping me, it made me feel lousy again. So I ended it. Have not heard or seen from her since.

"BPD" and my ex dont hold much time for my thoughts anymore. there is no emotional stirring or involvement, at least, no different than any other ex. its trivial. it is dispassionate and indifferent.

It did take awhile to get there though and a hell of sorts, but dont let that put anyone off, all our journeys do vary. If you get unexpected very difficult days, just ride them through and not pay them too much thinking time. try not get to fixated on hurry the recovery it does not work that way, it could actually more likely prolong it in my view.

all the best!

Crom

[poppy2]

Hi Cromwell,

Thanks a lot. Yes, I really like to hear the stories from people further down the road, because it gives me hope. It's lovely to hear that I've gone through the worst I do notice a change, and posting, not just reading this and other forums, have really helped. I would love to imagine a state of indifference to these issues connected to one person, that's really helpful to read, as is your suggestion to accept and not try to hurry.

Thanks again! have a nice day

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Poppy2,

No worries about the other board-it can definitely get heavy!

I started on inner child work with my T some time ago. Because my mom was an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD), I have spent most of my time on that board. However, being the child of a pwBPD, it was a high influence upon my choice for a H. I always said to myself that he reminded me of my uBPDm, but I wasn't quite able to put my finger on it. After some time, the light bulb turned on and my vision began to clear. While he wasn't BPD, there were enough similar traits and behaviors that it looked comfortable to me.

T is what helped me the most, as well as this board and a few good mentors in my life. My journey will be different than yours because of me having a BPDm, but the journey of separating and detaching and divorcing will probably be similar in some ways to what you've gone through. I have been on my journey for about 10 years now, mostly focused on healing from my childhood. The detaching and healing from my exH has only been about 2 years of that time.

Not everyone will take as long as I have, nor does everyone need to go as deep as I did. Thankfully everyone gets to travel at their own speed and there is no need to hurry.

 
Wools