BPD Fiancé and rage

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi.   My name is M.   My fiancé of 6 years suffers from (I believe it’s a spectrum of symptoms) anxiety, panic, OCD tendencies and BPD.   Her name is J.

She tends to have splitting and rage episodes before she goes to bed as well as after what seems to be positive and enjoyable experiences.   Today was her birthday and yesterday we had a joint birthday party with some friends.   She asked me to give her a back rub (I have painful arthritis and gout pain in my hands).   I attempted to start giving her a massage to a favorite video she likes to have me follow and at one point I winced in pain from putting pressure on my hands.   She turned like a switch and told me that I ruined her birthday.   She started punching me and pushing me.  

I left the house to cool things down (and protect myself)- actually considered getting a hotel room to sleep in.   She berated me thru constant texts- telling me how selfish I am- calling me a narcissist (one of her go to insults).  

I got home and she was asleep.   I woke up this afternoon (as this episode ran until 5 something in the morning).    She wanted to go to her parents house.   I got ready and sat in the living room waiting for her.    She blew up at me that I was being lazy while she “got ready”.   Her mental expectation was that I do something like fill her water bottle.  

She sat in her room and cried and yelled about how I ruined her birthday.   I was mean.   I was a narcissist.   There is no consolation to give- as she tells me that I do things only for my own benefit.  

There is so much to unpack in this- but it’s my first post.

Help me be more supportive yet set healthy boundaries.

[Boogie74]

Hi.   My name is M.   My fiancé of 6 years suffers from (I believe it’s a spectrum of symptoms) anxiety, panic, OCD tendencies and BPD.   Her name is J.

She tends to have splitting and rage episodes before she goes to bed as well as after what seems to be positive and enjoyable experiences.   Today was her birthday and yesterday we had a joint birthday party with some friends.   She asked me to give her a back rub (I have painful arthritis and gout pain in my hands).   I attempted to start giving her a massage to a favorite video she likes to have me follow and at one point I winced in pain from putting pressure on my hands.   She turned like a switch and told me that I ruined her birthday.   She started punching me and pushing me.  

I left the house to cool things down (and protect myself)- actually considered getting a hotel room to sleep in.   She berated me thru constant texts- telling me how selfish I am- calling me a narcissist (one of her go to insults).  

I got home and she was asleep.   I woke up this afternoon (as this episode ran until 5 something in the morning).    She wanted to go to her parents house.   I got ready and sat in the living room waiting for her.    She blew up at me that I was being lazy while she “got ready”.   Her mental expectation was that I do something like fill her water bottle.  

She sat in her room and cried and yelled about how I ruined her birthday.   I was mean.   I was a narcissist.   There is no consolation to give- as she tells me that I do things only for my own benefit.  

There is so much to unpack in this- but it’s my first post.

Help me be more supportive yet set healthy boundaries.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Boogie74, glad you reached out. Understood that there's a lot to unpack -- go at whatever pace works for you, no worries.

Six years is a long time. I'm guessing you guys were together before getting engaged?

She tends to have splitting and rage episodes before she goes to bed as well as after what seems to be positive and enjoyable experiences.

That stood out to me as, sadly, pretty typical and common for pwBPD (people with BPD, whether diagnosed or not). It's part of why BPD is a mental illness -- pwBPD experience life and reality really, really differently from non-PD people.

How long would you say she's been like this? Since you guys met? Before? After? Was there ever "an event" that seemed to "flip a switch" (maybe getting engaged, or a graduation, or a death in the family)? Or has she pretty much always been "like this"?

Boogie74, as you mentioned that she has punched and pushed you, I want to make you aware of this resource:

https://www.thehotline.org/

for DV. There are old stereotypes that "men can't have DV happen to them" but that isn't true. Sometimes we also tell ourselves that "it wasn't really DV because". While there's no pressure on you here to label any event or any interaction as anything, I just want to put that link out there for you, so you know that you have a LOT of people you can talk to about your relationship -- us, via the boards, and the hotline, for in-person conversations.

Are you back at the house?

-kells76

[Ventak]

I would like to add a caution on the physical violence...

People with BPD that display violence frequently end up accusing their partner of doing it to them.  The partner is often arrested and put into a diversion program and/or spends time in jail.

This almost happened to me.  Fortunately, my therapist told me to call 911 when she was physical (she had called 911 three times prior after attacking me even though I did not defend myself except to push her arm back once when she was hurting our then 1 year old son).

I would strongly encourage you to call 911 when she gets physical and/or go to your local police station and let them know that your fiance is a high conflict individual so that they are aware of the situation prior to her making accusations.  Many states have "must arrest" laws on domestic disputes, so one of you will be arrested and it is not the woman 90% of the time.

[Boogie74]

I would strongly encourage you to call 911 when she gets physical and/or go to your local police station and let them know that your fiance is a high conflict individual so that they are aware of the situation prior to her making accusations.  Many states have "must arrest" laws on domestic disputes, so one of you will be arrested and it is not the woman 90% of the time.

This is the conundrum…. I have laid out several times a red line boundary to her- if she is violent (defined as punching, kicking, pushing, pinching or any other physical action that intentionally inflicts pain or injury), I WILL call the police.

I have called the police once… The officer seemed to operate on the assumptions that 1.   I was the aggressor, 2.   He didn’t understand at first that I too live here- upon my telling him that she was destroying pictures of us, throwing things at me, he responded, “It’s HERS!  She can do what she wants with it!”  and 3.   Upon my telling him that she pushed me, punched me and threatened to hit me more, he responded, “But did she actually HURT YOU?  Did she hit you again?”

My state has a “required arrest” law but he didn’t arrest either of us.    My fear is that calling 911 will simply cause me to be arrested despite the fact that I never laid a finger on her ever.    90% chance of my being arrested for simply calling to protect myself feels very counterproductive and useless.

[Ventak]

I had the exact same experience, despite deep fingernail marks in my neck and my clothes torn off.  My attorney said it was a class A felony because I was holding both twins at the time... but nothing happened.  The next time I had to call 911 (with blood all over my hand) she was arrested and we weren't allowed to speak to each other for 3 months.

I've filed a complaint against that officer, and have a pending civil rights violation case against the local police department.  Might be worth your time to look up a civil rights attorney, as gender discrimination against men (while rampant) is gaining momentum as an issue.

She called the first 3 times but they didn't arrest either of us.  My therapist recommended I call whenever it happens.  Had I not followed this advice, there is no question that I would have been arrested by now.  You don't want to wait until she bruises herself and then calls them on you...