Hi everyone. This is my first post and I think I need to just vent this to enable me to move on. Sorry it’s a bit lengthy.
I did write this on another popular forum and got some good advice about moving on. I think I just wanted to talk on this specific forum because I don’t think most of the posters fully understood the trauma-bond I have developed with my ex due to (what I think) is BPD. She has not been diagnosed (but hasn’t spoken to a professional who could), but displayed all 9 symptoms, was neglected and sexually abused by parents/family as a child, would split me (and others), and followed the idealisation-devaluation-discard-h00ver relationship pattern to a T.
I know my thoughts and feelings are completely irrational, and I need to block her and move on. Knowing this doesn’t stop the pain, and I don’t need my previous relationship to be ridiculed and told my feelings weren’t real. They were, if anything (for me at least), they were even more intense than usual.
Anyway, here is my story. I started dating a co-worker the second half of last year. I’m in my 30’s, she is late 20’s. We hit it off at work and the attraction was undeniable. She told me about how all her ex’s were abusive in some way, shape or form, and described quite a horrific past. I’ve always been stable in relationships (I can count the number of fights on one hand for 13 years worth of relationships), and am sensitive, caring and compassionate. I didn’t anticipate any drama, and assumed I could show her how it felt to be treated respectfully (I was never a push over, I was just self-assured).
We started casual dating in September and she was very keen, very quickly. I am someone who is quite cautious in actually committing so wasn’t quite ready (looking back I still wasn’t fully over my 6-year relationship which ended mutually 12 months earlier). My new partner was perfect on paper; intelligent, charismatic, adorable, sexy, beautiful. My male colleagues were all besotted with her. We work in an extremely high risk professional environment so generally these are all rational and respectable people (including my ex and myself). When we started spending time alone I started to notice a LOT of red flags really early. She was a NIGHTMARE when drunk, she was argumentative, should would gaslight me, and would react to situations in ways I can only describe as ‘odd’. I lived on eggshells, terrified of reactions (usually passive aggressive) to general comments I made. I lived with a constant knot in my stomach. Most of our ‘arguments’ would start over things I hadn’t even done. I was ‘looking at her funny’, I was being ‘off’ or moody with her (I wasn’t at all), I wasn’t showing her enough affection. The following day she would worship me, telling me I’m the best guy she’s ever been with, she loves me (she said very early, I took 6 months), and was terrified of me leaving her. She was desperate to be my girlfriend, but after 3 months I still had these worries. This only made her anger and aggression worse. Looking at it now I know what I’m dealing with I can understand why she was such hard work, but at the time, 3 months of excessive highs and lows made me cautious. I was 100% devoted to her, and gave her no reason to doubt me. She just obsessed over the ‘title’ of boyfriend/girlfriend. I did finally make it official in Feb time, but it made no difference to her stability or behaviour.
She kept on displaying a behaviour pattern where she would ‘break up’ with me every 4-5 weeks for inconsequential things. The first was November, then the end of December, then March (we separated throughout January). It happened 6 times that I can remember (embarrassingly I’ve lost count). Each time she would leave for me ‘not loving her enough’, then reappear, chastise me for not chasing her, then beg for me back. I always kept my cool and told her I wasn’t letting someone use breaking up with me as a way to seek validation.
She had tried counselling in the past but both times the professional cancelled on her after one session. She had felt let down. I talked her into going back and she started a new program in May.
The pattern continued until she split up with me again at the end of June. This time I didn’t take her back. My head felt like it was in a blender. She had spent months breaking up with me, telling me I didn’t love her enough, she wanted more, she wanted to be worshipped, and I didn’t chase her when she left. This was interspersed with absolute idolisation and adoration. I didn’t know who I was getting when I went to see her. I treated her really well, but I accept I’m not the most ‘simpy’ partner. I do a lot of nice things and gestures, but I’m consistent rather than explosive. I have always been described as ‘thoughtful’ and ‘caring’ by previous partners, whereas I think think she wanted more ‘wow’. I’ve never been complained at as a partner in the past, so this relationship obliterated my confidence. I never felt enough.
She begged and pleaded, but I stood my ground. She laid it on quite thick that I was abandoning her now she was finally getting help. I felt truly awful, as I could see her point entirely. Over the next 2 months I tried not to lead her on and committed myself to learning about what the hell had happened in our relationship. It felt like a car crash, but an exceptionally fun one. She was anything but boring, and made me feel euphoric highs and dark lows. As shallow as it sounds, it was easily the best sex of my life. I was addicted to her and the dysfunction.
As I started researching, I came across Borderline Personality Disorder. It fit like a glove. Absolutely all of my relationship summed up on a page. I started to read up on it and started feeling guilty. Her reactions and responses were born from fear rather than true feelings or hatred. All the content I read suggested BPD could me managed through psychotherapy, but not ‘cured’. I started hoping that her counselling sessions may help calm her behaviour. She was telling me she was learning to deal with her emotions, but everything I read said the strong reactions and feelings that they always want ‘more’ will never truly go away. I was terrified of forever feeling my partner could just ‘switch’ and no longer care. I never gave up on the relationship, and couldn’t let her go. I didn’t tell her this as I didn’t want to be cruel if I fell the other way. It was a lot to take on, and I was still working out if I could forgive her for how she was in the relationship. The anger, the gaslighting, the many break ups, the passive aggressiveness, the lack of empathy, the ridicule and belittling. I needed to be sure I could take it before jumping back in, despite my feelings.
2 weeks ago she discovered I was going for a mini holiday for a week (not partying, just relaxing). She text me saying she still loves me, was struggling without me, but was getting better. She wanted to prove to me she was ‘fixed’ after 6 weeks of therapy. I wasn’t convinced, but was so torn. She did however say I ‘wasn’t her friend’ and ‘not to talk to her in work’, which was a bit of a head
PLEASE READ. She was clearly struggling and I just wanted to go back to her but had these doubts. I was still unsure at this point but was leaning towards giving it one last go. My friends and family were against it, but I love her and everyday apart from her when she was getting help was killing me. Love was never the issue in our relationship, I just didn’t trust her. I didn’t trust she wouldn’t just break up with me again for no reason, nor did I feel secure in light of the fact she was forever telling me my affections weren’t enough. Stupidly however, I did believe she loved me. She was so passionate and sincere. My friends told me to go on the holiday and come back with a decision.
Fast forward to last week and I decided to approach her for another try. My rationale was her therapy course had finished, and my intention was to allow that so she had a clearer understanding of herself and the situation. It had also given me time to reflect on my own behaviour (not being as ‘obvious’ in the way I told her I loved her). When we spoke she still looked at me with adoration and I thought I had a chance.
Unbeknown to me however ‘things had changed’ somewhat as now the break up (in her mind) was instigated by me (it wasn’t), the time apart had been my fault (it was to an extent), and I had lost her trust in not being there to support her through her therapy (I see her point). She didn’t seem to grasp that I was hurting too, and needed that time to reassess why the relationship was failing. Completely out of nowhere she tells me that her ex (father of her child) had contacted her 2 weeks ago her hoping for another shot (she left him). This is a lad she spent over 12 months complaining about and describing as a waste of space. She was always emphatic that there was nothing there. I felt cheated. Without wanting to sound bitter I’ve met him and seen him let down her and her child so many times. Anyway she basically said she reluctantly agreed to go out with him, initially to mask the pain I had caused her, and because he was ‘giving her things I didn’t’ (I’m taking that as he worships her). She said she is not attracted to him per say, she sees him more of a brother/friend, but she feels she owes it to her daughter to try to make it work. She was hoping the feelings would ‘grow’. She feels chemistry with me, not with him, but I abandoned her when she needed me. She can never get over that. I now know this is her recycling to mask her pain.
All of this knocked me for 6, and honestly, I handled it like an idiot. I lost my cool, told her she wasn’t being fair on him, she couldn’t have loved me if she’s ‘moved on’ (her words) in 6-8 weeks, and I was fuming that it was ‘him’ (someone who has been a constant in our relationship for 12 months). Obviously my reaction has pushed her closer to him. When she first told me I took it well. She then messaged me saying she was confused and still thought of me on the dates she had been on. Once I stewed on it for a few hours I gave her a piece of my mind and ruined it. She’s sent me loads of abuse back and is 100% right. I have no right to judge her decisions, I chose not to be with her, and she can do what she wants if I abandon her for 2 months. I’m so disappointed in myself for my reaction. After months of being dignified, I completely did my own legs in one evening.
I know the whole thing was a sideshow, but it still hurts. I’ve idealised the notion that we have both improved, and spent 2 months working out how to move forward with her. I know I didn’t communicate this with her, so I can’t be mad, it’s just bewildered me. I can’t get away from the fact that if she ‘loved me’, she would be back dating her ex 6 weeks later. I usually take a good year to get into a new relationship, once I’ve ached, processed and grown. It just hurts I guess.
I’ve decided to take the back seat now. I foolishly made her a book last week detailing who she was and why I loved her. In her last message she said it was lovely, but I know it was a mistake. I gave it to her before I found out about her going on dates with her ex, and my rationale was to show the ‘fight’ she always accused me of not having. I also felt as a ‘dumper’ (even though I wasn’t), I needed a decent gesture to show her how sorry I was. She always complained she didn’t know who she really was, so it wasn’t a huge declaration of love as such, it was more of a book about her and why I missed her. As ridiculous and pathetic as that sounds, the book was quite cool and I’m not massively ashamed of it. I think I did overplay my ‘wrongdoing’ at the end, which will have amplified my mistake in her mind. Now I’ve been painted as the evil ex who wouldn’t ‘stand by her’ through her therapy. The crap she put me through has just been forgotten and I’m a monster for ‘showing up two months later as if I never hurt her’. I was hurting too, and battled my gut, my own thoughts, my friends, my family, and my own sense of worth just to get to a point to try again. It was all for nothing and now I’m just embarrassed.
I think I am also struggling as being honest, I don’t think I did TOO much wrong. I didn’t cheat, I treated her well, I didn’t break up with her (or even intend to). I just didn’t get back together with her when she asked. Maybe I could have shown more doting or ‘fight’, but I certainly showed her love when we were together. I may have spent too long processing, but there was a lot to think about. She says I couldn’t of loved her as I would have stood by her from the start of I did. I see her point, but I was hurting.
Although I will still have to see her in work, I know I’ve said my piece and need to step back. I think I just need some critical feedback for my own behaviour so I don’t make similar mistakes again. Any insight would help me as I’m not functioning well. I’m flitting between regret, to anger, to pain.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate your time.
P.S. I think I’m a mix of avoidant attachment and codependent. It’s a bloody nightmare!
