At a loss

[ChrystalJoy]

Hello - my daughter is 30 and has BPD. She has an eating disorder and is a recovering addict and is 9 months pregnant. Her boyfriend is an alcoholic and is currently on the wagon ( 1 week sober) but falls off the wagon every 4 to 5 weeks. In the past week I tried to get my daughter to leave her boyfriend and she has decided to stop all communication with me.

This is fairly common as she cuts me out of her life often and then comes back in a crisis. I never set boundaries and just accept her back into my life with no questions. I understand how I have fed her monster! However, this time she has gone further and blocked me on social media and phone.

At this point I am so worried about her unborn baby. This couple has no support and my daughter is not good with managing her emotions. She feels that her boyfriend will just stop drinking now because of the baby.

I am not sleeping well and feel sick with worry. Have any of you dealt with this and do you have any advise on how to proceed?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi ChrystalJoy, glad you found the group. You're in the right place -- many grandparents are here in the same boat as you, sick with worry for an innocent grandchild. So sorry that a time that should be full of joy, is full of pain instead.

Does your daughter accept any of her diagnoses (eating disorder, etc)? Has she engaged in any treatment or counseling, or AA type groups?

There are definitely communication tools that can help make things "less worse", though there aren't any "magic wands", either. Learning to let go of what we can't control is a big part of growing in our ability to deal with the pwBPD in our life.

That being said, a newborn is a lot of work, and it wouldn't surprise me if when baby is born, she reaches out for help and support -- some grandparents on the board here are in that position.

How close to you does she live?

Feel free to reply whenever works for you, no pressure!

kells76

[ChrystalJoy]

My daughter has done treatment when she was in her late teens for bulimia and I went to many of her counselling sessions with her. She was hospitalized for 3 weeks and I sat in the hospital every evening with her. However, she left and continued for years until she lost all her molars and her hair thinned. She also started using cocaine and alcohol. She has stopped drinking and drugs for about 5 years and moves between anorexia and bulimia. She realized she has a problem but does not acknowledge the extent of the issue. Her anorexia is so bad that she has developed anemia and received 3 iron transfusions in her last month of pregnancy. I think she has only gained 10 pounds so I am very worried about the baby's development and weight. She does not recognize or admit to her disorder. However, she does realize that her emotions run really high and that it's not normal. She talks about counselling but never goes.

I am scared for the baby but like you say I have no control. If it was just my daughter then I would just say good-bye. That sounds harsh but I am at my breaking point and cannot continue the cycle. Any family get together has drama and fighting because of her. We can't take pictures because she doesn't look good. Her sister refuses to be in the same room and I can't blame her. For now I think I just need to mourn my dreams of what my daughter could have been. That is really hard and there is so much guilt with those thoughts.