Introduction

[Mifrade]

I am married to someone with BPD. She was diagnosed before we met when she attempted suicide. She told me about the BPD and suicide within a few months of meeting. As time went on, the symptoms began to really reveal themselves to me. The mood swings where she would be happy one minute and then angry the next. The cutting words that hurt so bad.

She sometimes accepts her diagnosis and others she denies having it. If she catches me doing research is when she really gets mad at me about it. Her family is more or less in denial with the whole thing. I have brought it up to her mother, but she doesn’t wish to discuss it. This is in line with the childhood trauma that my wife experienced and most likely contributed to the BPD. The mom and stepdad are very religious and I think that is a factor in their approach.

I’ve never talked to her father about the BPD, but he ignores the childhood trauma as well. In fact, probably more so than the mom. He hangs out with the person who inflicted the trauma and posts frequent photos of them together.

We are in the process of getting a divorce. My wife is living with these people who enable the denials. I doubt there is much hope for reconciliation because of it. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and concern for her well being.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Mifrade,

I join you in sadness and grief for your soon to be ex. Marriages start with so much hope and expectation, and the end of one is a tragedy.

Of course you care for her and wish health and healing for her. Does she still have any connection to the professional who diagnosed her in the past?

I wonder if it's really difficult for you to see her go right back to people who have hurt her, when you were still right there wishing good for her. What kind of support do you have for yourself as you are almost forced to witness something so difficult? Having a grief or trauma therapist could be very helpful for you in this process.

We're here too as peer support -- so many of us have walked in your shoes and want to care a out you during this time.

I hope you are able to take a moment tonight or tomorrow to do something really kind for yourself.

kells76

[Mifrade]

It does hurt really badly to see her pick people that don’t really care what happened to her regarding her brother over me. I know that this isn’t healthy, but I think part of my identity became the person who looked out for her.

She has no connection to the person who originally diagnosed her. She is denying at the moment that she was ever diagnosed.

I have really good friends who have looked out for me, but no family to speak of. It’s what makes this even more painful for me, I’m losing my nieces and extended family that I had through her. The other issue is that so few people understand BPD and what all of us go through.

[kells76]

Hey, good to hear from you again.

Sounds like you're having some profound insights as you reflect back on your relationship:

I think part of my identity became the person who looked out for her.

That's big. When did you start to become aware of that dynamic? What do you think about it now?

so few people understand BPD and what all of us go through.

It's really true. It's like this secondary level of alienation and loneliness. Sure, we're with other people, yet sometimes when we try to explain "why the situation is so crazy", we end up feeling like -- wait, were we the crazy one just now?

It's hard because BPD and other PDs often show up most strongly in the closest relationships -- marriage, parent/child, etc. The disordered traits are not as strong with those not as emotionally close; hence, the lack of understanding from the "general public" of what we go through.

That's why I'm glad you found the boards here. I hope you can experience belonging, acceptance, and understanding here. For me, it was a huge relief.

...

What have you been doing to take care of yourself lately? I hear you that the lack of family is a challenge, and as you mentioned, not every friend understands. So glad you do have close friends looking out for you. Wondering if you guys do anything chill/laid back together? Movies? Cooking? Hiking? Stuff that gives you a break from the hurt.

How's your experience been with counseling? I've found it incredibly helpful because once again, as you said, not every layperson "gets it". Having a professional to talk to can be so validating.

Write back whenever works for you;

kells76