Advice

[Nneedofhelp]

Hi,
My ex and I were together for a little over 2 years. She has not been diagnosed with BPD but after our recent break up, something didn't sit well with me.. this relationship and break up was really different compared to other break ups.  I started to read up on self help books to heal from a break up which later led to links on BPD. I have never heard of BPD so I really read into it and looked up different legitimate sites and forums with support and stories. I'm not a doctor but I can bet she has BPD.. a lot of stories from non-BPD survivors are VERY similar to mine. Everything from how she acts with her family, friends and relationships scream BPD.

Reading up on BPD and learning as much as I can is helping me to move on. Because I know that without the proper treatment if we were to get back together the relationship would not work. After a month of no contact, after the break up things were starting to slowly become easy for me, I had hopes that as tough as this break up was I was starting to feel better.

 Well, a few days ago I get a call from my ex at almost midnight.  She was out drinking,(keep in mind while I was with her and she was out drinking she would do the same to me and call someone and stay over their place) she asked if I could pick her up she sounded sad and in need of help. She caught me off guard and I couldn't say no.. I shouldn't even have picked up the phone but the only reason I did was because we still had a credit card to pay off together and I felt that it might have been in regards to that since I had gotten an email about the bill earlier that day. So, I decided to go.. as I pulled up she walks over to my car drunk can barely get in my car.. and one of the things she mentions is that she misses me and my family and started crying. She said she really wants to text my mom to chat with her but is too scared or worried my mom wont respond. After the crying she starts to tell me that she is talking with her ex again. I felt like she mentioned this to hurt my feelings.. she was asking me if I knew and I said no since we don't have each other on social media and I told her I don't look her up.  Do you all think she said this to hurt my feelings or make me jealous?

Anyway we get to my place and she starts flirting with me, kissing me, and I gave in. We messed around a little then fell asleep. As I was falling asleep she held me so close and tight the entire time she didn't want to let me go, to be honest it felt really nice I didn't want to let go either. When we woke up she kept telling me not to say anything to anyone because she didn't want the person she was talking to, to find out. I told her I would not and I also did not want this to be public. She kept asking me who I was talking to and what new girl I was into and that she would find out. I didn't tell her anything. The flirting continued. What I don't understand is out of all ex's she's had she went with the most abusive ex she had. This guy was so bad to her that even her close friends had to stop contact with her because they don't approve of him.

So fast forward to now.. since then we kept our distance but texted once in a while and things were cool between us it felt nice to have that cordial relationship with her. Well I live in a small town and a friend of mine called me and asked me if my ex and I were back together I was confused and said no why would you ask me that? and my friend says Oh someone saw you pick her up the other night and a few people had mentioned it. Well now that I know a few people know I had to stop whatever is going around. I call up one of my friends who is close to her bf (my friend already knew) but I wanted to defend us and not make this a big thing and I just start chatting with him and just mentioned I gave her a ride home and that was all.

A day later my ex starts texting me and telling me we should have no contact and her coming over was a drunkin mistake! And supposedly I'm going around and talking sh** about her with our friend I called which was not true! even after everything shes put me through I have NEVER made her look bad or confided in people because I pretty much keep my buisness to myself.

I'm torn.. I felt like I was healing, I had questions of "what if" this could work? It made me feel good to know she missed me but now with her texting me mean things I know I'm painted black.. the hard part is, is everyone even her family has said I have been the best partner to her and they wished our relationship would have worked out I know she felt the same, and I'd like to think even if we don't ever speak again that she still appreciates me. All because of lies she hates me. Also, don't get me wrong, after reading what people go through and learning about the disorder a huge part of me doesn't want to keep any contact with her ever. I'm just torn a small part still cares but I have to come to the realization that I'm better off not looking back. What do you all think?  She does not know she has a problem her family thinks its just alcoholism .. but she wont even get help for it .. I suggested when we were together for us to get couples counseling but she did not want to go .. she avoids therapy at all costs so I know she doesn't want to better herself. After reading this what are your thoughts/advice?

Thank you

[once removed]

greetings, friend. i remember what a godsend it was when i first learned about BPD myself, and how im not sure id have ever gotten through it all without the support i found here.

Do you all think she said this to hurt my feelings or make me jealous?

its possible. and i suspect, if she were asked, say, a month from now, it might occur to her that that was part of it. generally, when people (any of us) do that sort of thing, its more insensitivity, and not really being understanding of how the other person feels about the situation (people with BPD traits are REALLY bad about that). its typically upon looking back that we can see other motives. ive said or done things where, at the time, i wasnt consciously trying to make someone jealous, but it occurred to me later on that it might have been part of it. its also worth noting that she was drunk...her filter was probably pretty off.

she may have complicated feelings about what happened that night with you, and that may be, in part, why she cut things off for now.

what would you like to see happen?

[Nneedofhelp]

once removed,

thanks for the reply. Well I can update you.. she called me at 1 am but I didn't answer because I was asleep so she grabbed her friends phone to call me. I woke up to her messages letting me know how she needs to ask me something. She does deserve for me to tell her what REALLY went down so I told her I'd call her. I explained it and she was understanding and we are cool. But now shes texting me like we're friends. I think its too soon.. I'm trying to heal, with her texting me  Im afraid it will bring back feelings .. I still care for her and I don't want to tell her we can't have any contact it would make me feel bad especially now knowing about the abandonment issues. I'm so torn I don't even know what to do.

[once removed]

I'm trying to heal, with her texting me  Im afraid it will bring back feelings .. I still care for her and I don't want to tell her we can't have any
contact it would make me feel bad especially now knowing about the abandonment issues. I'm so torn I don't even know what to do.

thats really understandable, and a difficult spot.

space to heal is important. plus, shes already shown some propensity to not be delicate with your feelings. like i said, people with bpd traits can be especially insensitive about this kind of thing.

for starters, i wouldnt let her feelings dictate what you do. im not saying they shouldnt matter to you, or dont matter at all; im saying navigating anything like this gets tricky when our actions are ruled by how someone might or might not react. its a bit like being afraid to say "no". to say you need some time and space is a perfectly valid and reasonable option. she may or may not take it well, although chances are if she doesnt, eventually she will cool off.

its also not something that you necessarily have to do in order to get some space. you dont have to engage on an emotional level. you can let messages sit for a time. in other words, you can have some control over the nature and the frequency of the contact. it wont necessarily be easy, especially if youre feeling fragile. generally speaking, the lower youre feeling, the higher walls you should erect (for a time).

those are just a couple of options to weigh. what do you think?

[Nneedofhelp]

I think those are some good options. I think letting her know I need some time and space would be the way to go. I know she will eventually get over it. Besides I need to guard my heart it's only a matter of time once when her ex comes back into the picture she'll have no need for me and the cycle repeats.

Thank you again for listening and your thoughts

[Ad Meliora]

There are plenty of similarities of your story to mine, Nneed.  I only looked up BPD on a lark about 5 months after going no contact because things still weren't sitting right.  When I did, it was like "bingo--we have a winner here!"

A pwBPD doesn't really have a concept of boundaries from my experience.  A call at midnight, sure, next time it may be 1am, 2, 3am or when you're at work, etc... They don't have a good idea of consequences of their actions or in forethought of what that might look like.  Especially the "impulsive type" which is what I think my uBPD partner had.  There's also the covert narcissism, but that's for a later date.  Their concept of time is altered and there's all kinds of other things.  I am certain she "appreciates" you when you pick her up when she demands, or you buy her a burrito when she's hungry, for example.  But if you break it off and aren't speaking she is likely "Who are you again?  What good are u?"

Last week you were cuddling and it felt great.  Maybe this week she is with her ex cuddling?  She feels great, but how are you now?

I get what you're feeling with her.  My BPDex had an electric touch, and I was drawn to her like a charged magnet.  Never experienced anything like it.  8 hours alone with her one night at her place with a few too many G&T's in my system and Bam!  I was hooked.  She laid her head on my lap, showing me her vulnerable side and I was a goner.

I'm torn.. I felt like I was healing, I had questions of "what if" this could work? It made me feel good to know she missed me but now with her texting me mean things I know I'm painted black.. the hard part is, is everyone even her family has said I have been the best partner to her and they wished our relationship would have worked out I know she felt the same, and I'd like to think even if we don't ever speak again that she still appreciates me

She told you what she needed to say to get her ride home, that's it.  Don't read anything more into it.  You'll have to create and set the boundaries, otherwise there will be none.  That's great her family was cheering you two on, but if they really cared for your ex, they would've cheered her on to therapy.  It's the only way things could ever "work".  Sounds unlikely from your description here.

Good luck, Nneed.

[Rev]

Hi Need,

You've got some really great direction here in the back and forth comments and questions.

I'd add this - part from what I've learned here and part from my own personal experience.

1) Time spent with a pwBPD doesn't count as much as the intensity of the relationship. My total relationship was 5 years - might as well have been a lifetime. Two years later, although in a far, far better place - I am still processing stuff out. These relationships can sometimes run do deep into our thought processes that they can literally mess with our nervous systems.

2) I mention this because it highlights the need for boundaries in order to heal - to become re-oriented after having been dis-oriented because the person we have been intimate with is dis-ordered (as in their sense of what is ordered is chaos to most others.)

3) From there, and this is the personal part, I found that I was much better able to detach, give her what she asked for without too much emotion and not get hooked by the back and forth, up and down emotion. Part of this was really connecting with a few friends where my ex did not factor at all as I grew back into my old self and grew into part of a new self as well.

Point is, that until I got myself to a place that I could think straight again - and that took about 6 months for me - I really needed to put the hard work in of resisting the manipulations to suck me back in.

Hang in there.

You're one the right track it seems.

Rev

[Nneedofhelp]

Thank you Ad Meliora and Rev for the replies! I really appreciate it.

Ad- Funny you mention her family, and them not cheering her on into therapy. That is something I think about too. Her parents are really well rounded people, smart, and aware of her behaviors. Her mom is a nurse so like common sense wouldn't you like to check into this further? I also understand BPD is hard to diagnose but I know if I saw patterns in my kids like that I'd want to get down to it even being an adult.

Rev- I like the detach idea.. and its definitely hard work to resist the manipulations.

Thank you both again