BPD pursuing financial gain

[Evenodds]

I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced their romantic partner with BPD pursuing financial gain and if so, what was your version of this story.
I have supported my pwBPD financially from the start of our relationship which has allowed her to return to university as a mature student. We have been together for 4 years but most of that time on separate continents. About 18 months ago, we started living together  and our relationship became even more turbulent. She became this demanding and critical person I had only rarely seen before. We both agreed to seek help psychiatric help separately. She was diagnosed as having BPD traits but she alternates between acceptance and treatment and denial. I was diagnosed as having severe depression.
I have more or less got my head round the fact that she rarely lies in the normal sense of the word. So when she is recounting something that is completely false, she often actually believes it to be true.
But I am beginning to wonder if distinction between knowingly lying and genuinely believing a falsehood to be true, though an important from a moralistic standpoint, is actually irrelevant because you, the BPD partner, end up in the same place either way.
I assumed and still do, my pwBPD was not being calculating and scheming when she proposed setting up a property rental business. She had relevant experience and I knew she’d be good at it.. So as a start, I bought a property and put it in a company. I decided to give her 30% of the company (and therefore 30% of the property I’d just bought) even though she contributed nothing because she was going to run the rental.
She blew up. She thought that meant I didn’t trust her and said I had lied because I’d previously promised her 51% (I hadn’t).
On and on it went but to cut a long story short, I relented and gave her 51%. Btw, she knows I’d never claim my share if we broke up. She actually once said she knew that,  so she knows the property is now effectively hers alone.
That was in the US where we’d been stranded due to Covid but we finally got home to London earlier this year. Now, she is a detail person and the exact opposite of the procrastinator that I am. So she started to whip my admin into shape. My will still had my ex wife as prime beneficiary, as did my life insurance and my pension. She methodically went through the whole process of updating my will, under which she is now the prime beneficiary. She also updated my pension arrangement even though I am still many years from pensionable age. It turned out to be quite a complex task but it is done and she is the beneficiary of my pension. The same with life insurance. The paperwork is signed so that she and not my ex wife, will be the beneficiary if it pays out.
Except I’m sitting on the life insurance paperwork because that voice that repeatedly tells you this is not normal has become too loud to ignore. That is driving her nuts. She is constantly chasing me to get it done, even offering sexual favours if I do so by a certain date! Maybe she doesn’t have a sinister motive and is not deliberately lying and scheming. Maybe this behaviour it is solely due to her fear of abandonment and the need for her to have security when that abandonment finally happens,  as she believes it will.
But does it make any difference that there isn’t any conscious scheming and lying because in either case my primary function is the same. To provide future financial security. That isn't how partners in a secure relationship should act. My partner wBPD has been and still is planning for the inevitability of my abandoning her.   If that is her belief, there can’t be any possibility that she also has a secure and genuine love for me. Are the two not mutually exclusive?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Like many with BPD, my wife thinks her feelings are truth. She feels she'll win the lottery or pick a lucky stock so she occasionally tries those with her own discretionary money. We talk about it sometimes and she has made her own limits for how often and how much money she'll spend on those.

I read through your previous posts and saw you read Stop Caretaking the BP/NP. I value many of its lessons like
- protecting yourself, financially in this case
- not enabling a pwBPD's bad or risky behavior

I've heard advice to not mix marriage with business. Maybe it applies moreso with a pwBPD. There may not be a way to know if your pwBPD was knowingly lying about the company ownership. My uBPDw sometimes has strange ideas like that and it ends up being something from her dreams last night -- feelings become truth for pwBPD. I'd be careful about relenting because it sets up a pattern that can be hard to undo. The same applies to limits that you create and enforce to protect yourself. If she sees the limits are built on sand, she'll treat them that way.

Take some time to yourself and think about your story. What if you heard your friend telling you this story? What advice would you give them? Would you think they're being reasonable and looking out for themselves to a necessary degree? It's easy to be manipulated into thinking unhealthy patterns and behavior are normal and healthy through repeated exposure. It's a hard process to think through these things and be honest with yourself.

If that is her belief, there can’t be any possibility that she also has a secure and genuine love for me. Are the two not mutually exclusive?

I think they both can exist but like all things, it depends. once removed's words in your other thread describe a relationship with a pwBPD well:

its easiest to think of it as a sort of "special needs" relationship. there can be a lot of reward, but its going to test you.

[Evenodds]

I read through your previous posts and saw you read Stop Caretaking the BP/NP. I value many of its lessons like
- protecting yourself, financially in this case
- not enabling a pwBPD's bad or risky behavior

I hadn't read it at the time. I'd read everything on BPD but nothing about coping with a partner with BPD. So I was still trying to reason with her and of course that wore me down. We had a couples therapist and back when we were arguing about her right to 51% she calmly told the therapist that I had anger management issues and wanted to keep her economically captive so she couldn't leave. Both are laughable. The last time I hit someone I was in school uniform and I've given her more that I care to add up. But I could see the concern flash across the therapists face. My partner had already shared the fact that a previous partner had physically abused her. The gaslighting about things I had apparently said also got to me and I started to doubt myself. So I gave in and agreed to giving her 51%, just to make the arguments stop.
This whole episode lasted months and I think was the major cause of my depression. It was only when i spoke to my psychiatrist about my circumstances, she recommended 'Stop Caretaking' and 'Eggshells'.. I found 'Stop Caretaking' too bleak for someone like me who is trying to make the relationship work. It's theme seemed to me to be geared towards leaving.
I know what I'd tell a friend. But I'm trying to ignore it. I think I need to re-read 'Stop Caretaking'.
It will blow up again soon. I'm looking to buy a new place. I'm now aware of boundaries and I have no intention of putting her on the title deed. But I just know she would expect to be joint owner and so there will be arguments and accusations of meanness, the 2 year olds response. But by doing that don't I confirm her fear of abandonment?

[Evenodds]

Take some time to yourself and think about your story. What if you heard your friend telling you this story? What advice would you give them? Would you think they're being reasonable and looking out for themselves to a necessary degree? It's easy to be manipulated into thinking unhealthy patterns and behavior are normal and healthy through repeated exposure. It's a hard process to think through these things and be honest with yourself.

Thanks Jabiru. You're right. I need some distance so I can reflect.

[Jabiru]

I found 'Stop Caretaking' too bleak for someone like me who is trying to make the relationship work. It's theme seemed to me to be geared towards leaving.
I know what I'd tell a friend. But I'm trying to ignore it. I think I need to re-read 'Stop Caretaking'.
It will blow up again soon. I'm looking to buy a new place. I'm now aware of boundaries and I have no intention of putting her on the title deed. But I just know she would expect to be joint owner and so there will be arguments and accusations of meanness, the 2 year olds response. But by doing that don't I confirm her fear of abandonment?

I also found Stop Caretaking questionable as I wanted to make the relationship work, my gut feeling. I had to let go of that and prioritize my own happiness. What did I want from my life? It definitely changed the relationship dynamic. We're now less co-dependent. We have our own activities and go on separate solo trips now and then (highly recommended ). Of course, we still have many things we do together. I feel strange when my limits are reached and I have to take a timeout for both of us. Is this what a healthy relationship looks like? Would my parents, siblings, friends approve? It doesn't matter anymore, I tell myself. This is a special kind of relationship that works for us.

Things will probably blow up time and again. That's what happens in a relationship with a pwBPD. You can avoid enabling unwanted behavior by enforcing your limits. The first time may blow up. And the next, and next. Be consistent. Over time, the intensity and frequency will likely go down. You'll distance yourself from being in the caretaker role. She'll look for other ways to handle the intense emotions from having BPD. That is her fight, not yours. She's an adult and knows where to get help. It sounds bleak, for sure. Would my parents, siblings, friends approve? It doesn't matter anymore, I tell myself. This is a special kind of relationship that works for us.

[formflier]

It's obvious that you guys are NOT on the same financial page or perhaps don't share the same values around money.

For example...your values likely led you to expect her to thank you for the 30% and making her a part of a deal that she didn't have any "skin in the game".  Her values informed her completely differently.

I suspect your decision to give her 51% actually confused her even more, because now she is wondering if you say and do what you mean...or if you will bend to pressure.  Only way she can find out is to pressure you more...and why wouldn't she?  Worked for her last time...

I'm not saying BPD is irrelevant here...I am saying the differences are likely much more profound that "just" BPD.

My recommendation:  Stop signing, giving away and all that..and figure this out.  If you can get on the same page..great.  If not...figure out what that means for your relationship.

Best,

FF

[Evenodds]

Thanks FF

I know what my instinct tells me. She perceives that abandonment is inevitable and therefore self preservation/future security is her priority.
It was the fourth anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Rather than a cause for celebration, it made me think of how weary I feel now compared to back then. How small my world feels with so much time and energy consumed by my partner's needs and choices. And yet that is what I have freely chosen. It seemed easier in previous years. But now I look at it and realise that's because the initial idealisation phase lasted quite a while for us. Perhaps that was because we lived on separate continents and I was not captive enough nor did I threaten her separateness during that period so she kept it up. It definitely ended when we moved in together early in 2020. What I really want now for that 'idealising' person to re-appear. That gentler, kinder, empathetic woman who made me feel so valued and special. That, of course, is completely delusional
Reading the experiences of others on this forum has been a strong shot of reality. However long that 'idealisation' phase lasted, it's not coming back and, in any event, it was never real. The idea of ending the relationship triggers a lot of guilt. I was sure I would not let her down like so many others in her life had done. I promised her that repeatedly. Now, if I broke that promise, not only will I let her down like the others, I will actually inflict the worst betrayal she's experienced because this has been her longest relationship by far.

But even if guilt was a valid reasons for staying in, the reality check is I'm not a natural caretaker. I've managed so far, but not well. I don't have what it takes to not harbour a growing resentment that my pwBPD never recognises all that I've done for her and for us but always highlights all that she feels I've failed to do. That means I will crack eventually .
Put all that together and it is clear this relationship is unsustainable. My expectations aren't realistic, I am not selfless enough to cope with the 'special needs' of a pwBPD and, although she has committed to therapy, she is doing that for me because I know in my heart of hearts she doesn't really believe she needs it.
So if the end is inevitable, I reasoned that it might as well end now. I spoke to my pwBPD yesterday and I've moved out to give her time to sort out where she wants to be and what she wants to do. I know that many people cycle through this phase, repeatedly breaking up and then making up. This is the first time I've done this and I don't want to get stuck in that loop. At the moment all I am getting from my pwBPD is anger and accusations. If that switches, as it probably will, I know I am as vulnerable as anyone to guilt or unrealistic wishful thinking. So I'm watching lots of Ashley Berges videos on Youtube because they help keep me grounded in reality.
Sorry, this post is probably on the wrong board and is also quite a self indulgent rant of little use to anyone. I just wanted to set it down, if only for me to look at if I start to feel like I'm wavering.

[formflier]

I would like you to read my observation and then read your post again.

There is a lot about your pwBPD...perhaps most.  That's typical because usually at this stage your brain is in overdrive trying to "figure out how to beat BPD".

Again..that's natural. 

I would ask you to be deliberate about sorting yourself out.  Figure out what you  want and need and then we can help you communicate this.

Best,

FF

[Mifrade]

My wife has done this to me almost every step of the way. When we first moved in together, she insisted I put her on the bank account. When I got an inheritance from my father, she insisted I put it into a joint account. When she started asking for a divorce, she found out quickly that the inheritance still wasn’t a marital asset because of the state we live in so her new tactic is to accuse me of doing things in order to try and force my hand with the divorce. Dealing with the psychosis sis the hardest thing for me. I know what reality is, but she will argue to the death with me her version.

I feel like I should have stuck to boundaries throughout the relationship, and if she left because of then then so be it.