What is this doing to our child?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a 4 year old boy with my uBPDh. Our son has heard some fighting over the years and at least one comment from his dad about leaving and not coming back. My son has pointed out in the past that dad was talking rude to me and I affirm that and tell him that it’s my job and dads job to get along (he has tried to confront his dad about it  before). Recently he told me that dad should not live here (!)…but mostly of course he loves dad. He will drop what he is doing to sneak and listen if there is a hint of hostility when we are talking - I gather from movies that is normal.

This past weekend he was around as my husband could not get over a disappointment in our fun plans not working out, and while calm, was so damn depressing by not being pleased by any alternatives I presented (the plans not working out was on me a bit).. My son was frustrated and went outside. I was able to join him soon after alone and he told me that it was all his fault for doing bad stuff all the time. He would not believe me otherwise.

I have shifted my focus lately from my relationship to my kid because my husband will not take any responsibility for his end. What is this really doing to my kid? How do I ensure he reaches his potential?

I need to bring up a conversation to my husband that although he refuses for himself or I to get therapy that I will not deny my child to get help. How do I have the conversation? How do I know when my child needs therapy?

How do I know if it’s time to leave for the child?

[Hope4Joy]

I have a 4 year old boy with my uBPDh. Our son has heard some fighting over the years and at least one comment from his dad about leaving and not coming back. My son has pointed out in the past that dad was talking rude to me and I affirm that and tell him that it’s my job and dads job to get along (he has tried to confront his dad about it  before). Recently he told me that dad should not live here (!)…but mostly of course he loves dad. He will drop what he is doing to sneak and listen if there is a hint of hostility when we are talking - I gather from movies that is normal.

This past weekend he was around as my husband could not get over a disappointment in our fun plans not working out, and while calm, was so damn depressing by not being pleased by any alternatives I presented (the plans not working out was on me a bit).. My son was frustrated and went outside. I was able to join him soon after alone and he told me that it was all his fault for doing bad stuff all the time. He would not believe me otherwise.

I have shifted my focus lately from my relationship to my kid because my husband will not take any responsibility for his end. What is this really doing to my kid? How do I ensure he reaches his potential?

I need to bring up a conversation to my husband that although he refuses for himself or I to get therapy that I will not deny my child to get help. How do I have the conversation? How do I know when my child needs therapy?

How do I know if it’s time to leave for the child?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

As a child of a BPD mother who frequently loudly argued with my father, I tried to be the peace broker during arguments. Obviously it wasn’t an appropriate role for a child, but after hearing that she was thinking about divorcing him, I tried anything I could think of to make things better.

I seldom saw my father angry and on the few occasions where she had pushed him past his limits, it was frightening. Not that he did anything, but the look on his face said it all.

Like your son, I felt guilty and took the role of *identified patient* both with numerous health issues and later emotional problems.

Getting your son into counseling would be a wonderful move. I didn’t have counseling until I was in college, and had I experienced it earlier, it would have made my childhood much better.

[Hope4Joy]

Thank you for the reply. I grew up in a home that avoids conflict so I wonder how I got here and have no idea what it’s like for a child other than it’s not good. I really hate this for him. I don’t want him to be stunted by his home life.

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps rather than *stunted* you might think that this situation can teach him life skills he might not otherwise get at a young age. My conflict resolution skills have come in handy throughout my life.  

Though it’s not ideal, but often kids don’t have an ideal childhood anyway, things that can be learned about dealing with a difficult parent can be very useful in other contexts.

[pursuingJoy]

Hope4Joy, agree with Cat. Therapy early and often. Two of my kids went to therapy at 6 and 9, and while I didn't see it make a difference then, it was a great way to expose them to counseling as a self-care option. The same kids are 21 and 18 now. One is on medication for anxiety and the other is in regular counseling. They are mindful of the state of their mental health and they are using tools at their disposal.

We can't protect them from everything that will hurt them, the best we can do is equip them with tools they need to successfully navigate grief, difficulty and conflict. I know it hurts your heart to watch him hurt - be mindful of not going overboard and doing things for him out of guilt.  

 

[Hope4Joy]

Thank you for this perspective.