First my son, and now my oldest friend….

[55books]

Hello,
My son was BPD, NPD among other diagnosis. He had a lifetime of pain and suffering and ended his life two years ago at age 23. As devastating as this is, I’m actually writing for advice about my oldest friend, who is also BPD and sinking very deep.

We’ve been friends for 50 years and while she has been sick since her 20s, I was never a target of her rage until recently. Her BPD has gotten much worse in the past two years as her physical and mental health has declined and I was one of only 3 people she talked to— 2 family members and me. It’s been hard since I needed  her friendship as I was dealing with my son’s declining health and subsequent suicide, but she was rarely able to listen to my grief or care about my feelings. She has known my son his whole life and was actually his godmother.

Trust me,  I do understand how BPD works,  especially after parenting my son, that she is unable to reciprocate and empathize. Her rages about others have gotten so wild, vindictive snd horrible that it’s hard to listen to them. I’ve been her emotional dumpster for years and usually just listened, and occasionally tried to get her to see things from another perspective. That was always a mistake. I understand now I shouldn’t have let it go on so long since I found her vitriol about others distressing. I tried to discuss this once or twice but she couldn’t hear me and I thought being there for her was kind since she had no other friends.

A few months ago, I just couldn’t take it anymore and for once, told her how alI felt about her rages. This was out of character fir me and I admit I lost my cool and wasn’t very nice. Although I apologized immediately and tried to explain that listening to these constant rages brought me to a remembered place of pain and anxiety, from memories of my son, she wouldn’t speak to me, discuss the incident, left my house and wouldn’t talk to me for a month.

The real problem was I held my true feelings in way too long and wasn’t kind or calm that day.  Just two lines in a conversation ended a 50 year friendship. After ignoring me for a month, she called and said unforgettable things that I can forgive but don’t think I can move past. She threatened to kill my family “since that’s how you hurt someone is to hurt their family, not them.” This was after her usual suicide talk and I was asking if she was safe and she was alone. She threatened my family if I called the police. She often talks of suicide and i always take it seriously. if I can’t calm her down, I  call her husband, never the police. Anyway, she also said horrific things about my dead son—her godson—so I hung up and we haven’t spoken In a month. I doubt we will again—which seems so odd since we have been close, very close, for most of our lives.. I am in contact with her family, mainly to support them, and am trying to love her from afar.

My question is if she actually does call me one day, and actually is apologetic — which I don’t believe is possible at this stage for her— what would you all do?   I actually am at peace—Although I miss her, still love her and hope for a treatment that can help her. She is beyond miserable every day and I hate that for her and her family. However, I don’t feel I can  accept any abuse or listen to more  vitriol about her latest targets.

I’m curious how you would respond? How would you end a friendship like this? I know that seems so harsh but between my son and her, I just can’t do it any longer. Again, I doubt she will reach out, but if she does, I’m curious what  your response might be.

Thank you so much.

[Channing]

Hello, it sounds like you are feeling very conflicted about this rupture in your very long friendship. I can relate as I have suffered a recent rupture with an uBPD sibling over very similar dynamics. I asked if we could make our conversations less negative and she erupted -- sent me very lengthy and threatening texts and emails. I had to block her.

It sounds like your friend escalated in a similar fashion and said things to you that are unforgiveable. I imagine that she knew your weaknesses and vulnerabilities due to your very long friendship. It hurts so badly to think that a person you have been confiding in and allowing into your emotional life would use your confidences as weapons. Sitting with and accepting this is extremely difficult.   

Your friend has been in your life so long that it is also probably very hard to accept this change. Its tempting to try to think of ways we could fix the situation -- say the right things so they understand us and can be a real friend. I wish I could answer your question. All I can say is I am in a very similar situation and I understand how awful it feels. It is strange to grieve such a difficult relationship but I think that is what it is.