aero0421
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 44
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« on: September 09, 2021, 09:20:14 AM » |
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Hi, after lurking on these forums for a few days I'm posting my story with the hopes that others might be able to relate or have advice for me.
I had a 2.5 year relationship with someone who I'm about 99% certain has BDP traits. Unfortunately, I didn't figure this out until she had already left me, and after spending time trying to figure out her impulsive and confusing behaviour.
Some background: we are both bisexual women. I met her because she was married to my (male) friend. We became close, and were best friends for about 3 years. Eventually it became clear that romantic feelings had developed between us. She had been married/with her husband for 8 years and the relationship was having problems. She had asked to open up their marriage to other people a few years earlier, and she wanted to pursue something with me. I was scared at first, given that she's married and I didn't want to get hurt, but as with many BDP people, she was so charming and adoring and swept up in me that I eventually fell in love. Only now years later do I see this period as "lovebombing" -- she was so all-in on me after only a month or so. Talked endlessly about wanting to be with me forever, to have kids and start a family, how her husband wasn't right for her etc. She started spending all her time with me, destroying her marriage. After about a year of this, she finally decided to break up with her husband and moved out -- this was around February 2020. Covid hit and things were a mess generally, but our relationship was still loving and passionate.
Then in June, she moved in to a new apartment on her own, and suddenly she became like a different person. She was distant, wanted space from me, talking a lot about boundaries and how she needs to "be alone" during this time. We fought back and forth for most of the summer, but stayed together even as she pushed me away. This culminated in her breaking up with me, telling me our relationship was unhealthy and holding her back. The next day she had a full breakdown and called me asking for help. I came over immediately and stayed with her, and the next day it was like whatever spell she had been under was snapped. She was loving and happy again.
This lasted through autumn. We were happy. Around Christmas, she came to me and told me that she had cheated on me in August. She said that at the time, because we had been fighting, she thought "we were done" but that now she has realised that she wants to be with me for real, and build a future together. She said she recognised she has deep problems (she thought it was sex/love addiction). She promised to go to counseling and therapy together and work on stuff. She said that last summer she had pushed me away because she was scared that I was going to leave her (since we were fighting) and it was easier to run from me.
In January and February things got tough again. I was upset about the cheating which led to a few bad fights. And the pattern happened again: the fighting made her decide that things were over. In March we decided to try to start over, forgive and see if we could salvage things. Then, 3 days later, her ex approached her (they had been separated this whole time, but not divorced-- she claimed it was because he was not ready, but in retrospect seems clear that she was the one clinging to it). He told her that she had messed him up and he was happier without her, and was ready to get divorced officially.
This set off a "bad spell" even worse than the previous summer. She was anxious all the time again, telling me she was "consumed with guilt" over me and therefore unable to feel happy. She told me that just looking at my face made her feel horrible about herself. Her two biggest issues have always been guilt/shame/thinking she is a bad person, and fear of abandonment. Her ex saying those things clearly triggered both of those in a really extreme way. As much as I tried to help, she was stuck in this mode.
In April she emailed me in the middle of the night saying she needs to be alone, that she has deep work to do on herself and wants to do it alone. We talked in person the next day where I got her to confess that she has been in her self-loathing place again, and projecting her own image of herself on to me, and that she feels like a constant disappointment to everyone etc. It was a classic BDP breakup: I asked if she wanted to take a 6 months break and she clung to me and said she didn't want that. Then I suggested a 1 month break to give her some space to grieve her divorce. We agreed and left things on a positive note. The following day I emailed, telling her that I would give as much space as needed and that I knew she was a good person and that I hoped she could see that again.
We didn't speak at all during the break. I reached out after about 6 weeks, with a 2 sentence email just to check on how she was doing. I had been miserable but was really wanting to give her the space to sort through her feelings. What I received back was a breathtakingly cold email telling me that cutting me out of her life had allowed her to finally find "deep happiness and self acceptance" and that I should move on. She has refused to have an actual conversation since then (this was May), and blocked me on her phone (but oddly kept me on social media and looks at all my stuff).
some other notes: both of her parents have personality disorders. She had a traumatic childhood, father abandoned her, triggering this immense fear of abandonment. She has been the one to leave every relationship she has been in, and has cheated on all of her partners. I think her marriage worked for a while because her husband was extremely calm, completely submissive, never ever fought with her, treated her like she was perfect and would never leave her. Obviously this was unhealthy for him, but he was insecure enough that he would do anything to appease her.
I, on the other hand, did fight back and she would use that against me, telling me she couldn't handle all the "conflict".Throughout the relationship I was bewildered by her behaviour as it was so foreign and illogical to me. Only now months later have I figured things out more through researching.
Clearly, she has decided that I was the thing that was making her unhappy and she had to get rid of me so she could be healthy (even though I was supportive and caring and trying to help throughout our relationship). I recently found out that, despite telling me how badly she needed to be alone so that she could prove to herself she was capable of self love, she had a few weeks later jumped into another relationship. She spent the entire summer with my replacement, basking in how she has found inner peace.
I'm devastated. It's now been about 4.5 months and I'm still consumed with hurt and confusion. Like many people here, the "good times" had been the happiest I had ever felt. Her discarding me abruptly, refusing to talk to me, and then immediately jumping into a new relationship has left me feeling like our relationship was not what I had thought it was. I feel especially betrayed since we had been best friends for a long time before anything romantic happened. It feels like I put in all this work to be there for her during the bad times, and now she is giving the "fun" to this random guy she just met.
She has jumped in, seemingly moving just as fast and intensely as she did with me. After being together for a maximum of 3 months, she brought this man to her best friend's wedding and went on a weeks long European vacation with him.
I still miss her all the time, even though I know she treated me horribly. It's such a bad inner conflict. When I discovered that she had been hiding her new relationship, I messaged her: "I really thought we were best friends. How could you move on so fast?". and she replied saying she hopes we can be best friends again and that she is still processing everything.
I also can't help but worry that somehow she will all of a sudden change for this man and be able to sustain this relationship. She claims to be so happy, and as a normal person I can't understand how that can be true, when she just broke up a serious relationship and is in the middle of a divorce.
Logically it seems very unlikely that she is actually working on herself or addressing her problems, since it seems she is back to her usual pattern of diving into a relationship way too fast. It's clear that she is incapable of being alone. But I'm still plagued with sadness over how it all went down. It's so hard to move on when I still feel so in love with her, and genuinely miss my best friend. And it's so jarring to see how "happy" she is with a new person, galavanting around Europe while I'm here grieving.
Anyone have any advice on how to cope? Also, she has said she wants to talk about stuff "once we are both more healed", and I don't know how I would respond to that. My friends all say I should never talk to her again after how she has treated me. But my heart still misses her and it would be hard to turn down a chance to talk to her, after all this silence.
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