guilt and relief over split with uBPD sibling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I have a sister with uBPD (that may in fact be diagnosed based on some conversations I have had with her.) She lives far away from me and for the past ten years, she has relied on me for daily supportive phone calls. Most of these calls consist of my listening to her vent her anger at the people she works with.

As the pandemic has dragged on and these calls got longer and more intense, I have become more and more stressed by them. They take up a lot of my time and I have found myself having to work nights because so much of my day was taken up by another ranting phone call.

My sister will soon retire and she has been telling me she wants to move closer to me and has even insisted that we should live in the same home. At first, I did not object this (we are both single) but I became worried about the stress of dealing with all of this venting without being able to escape.

So, I decided to ask her if we could change our phone conversations so they are not so negative. I did this not only to try to get some relief from the negativity but also to find out if she was capable of hearing such a request without flying into a rage. I made the request in as kind and neutral way as I could. I took responsibility for my part in the situation and emphasized that I love her and want to keep our connection.

Her response was so much worse than I imagined it could be. I am literally afraid for my safety. She has sent me the most vicious communications I have ever received in my life. She also wrote a lengthy email denouncing and blaming my fourteen year old daughter for the conflict when my daughter obviously has nothing to do with it. The email about my daughter is so hateful that I don't feel like it is safe for my daughter to be around her aunt anymore. I feel like I have been emotionally beat on the head with a tire iron. On top of everything else, my sister is demanding that I apologize to her.

After I made repeated attempts to listen, reflect and empathize with these horrible texts and emails, I blocked her because she was just responding with more vicious attacks.

The problem now is that I feel such powerful relief and guilt. It has been an enormous relief to not have to deal with these daily phone calls. On the other hand, I feel awful that my sister is alone and I am worried that she might engage in self harm. I don't know what to do.

[Channing]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I have a sister with uBPD (that may in fact be diagnosed based on some conversations I have had with her.) She lives far away from me and for the past ten years, she has relied on me for daily supportive phone calls. Most of these calls consist of my listening to her vent her anger at the people she works with.

As the pandemic has dragged on and these calls got longer and more intense, I have become more and more stressed by them. They take up a lot of my time and I have found myself having to work nights because so much of my day was taken up by another ranting phone call.

My sister will soon retire and she has been telling me she wants to move closer to me and has even insisted that we should live in the same home. At first, I did not object this (we are both single) but I became worried about the stress of dealing with all of this venting without being able to escape.

So, I decided to ask her if we could change our phone conversations so they are not so negative. I did this not only to try to get some relief from the negativity but also to find out if she was capable of hearing such a request without flying into a rage. I made the request in as kind and neutral way as I could. I took responsibility for my part in the situation and emphasized that I love her and want to keep our connection.

Her response was so much worse than I imagined it could be. I am literally afraid for my safety. She has sent me the most vicious communications I have ever received in my life. She also wrote a lengthy email denouncing and blaming my fourteen year old daughter for the conflict when my daughter obviously has nothing to do with it. The email about my daughter is so hateful that I don't feel like it is safe for my daughter to be around her aunt anymore. I feel like I have been emotionally beat on the head with a tire iron. On top of everything else, my sister is demanding that I apologize to her.

After I made repeated attempts to listen, reflect and empathize with these horrible texts and emails, I blocked her because she was just responding with more vicious attacks.

The problem now is that I feel such powerful relief and guilt. It has been an enormous relief to not have to deal with these daily phone calls. On the other hand, I feel awful that my sister is alone and I am worried that she might engage in self harm. I don't know what to do.

[zachira]

You are not alone in dealing with the sadness over the split with a disordered sister. My sister has always hated it when anybody paid attention to me or said anything nice about me. After several years of personal therapy, I have become more self confident and am now standing up to the abuse of my sister which has set her on the war path. It seems that some people are so disordered that they cannot take any kind of constructive feedback and when people they care about try to set healthy boundaries, the response is to take revenge on the person setting the healthy boundaries. I have found very helpful information on malignant narcissists to figure out how to deal with my sister. Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on malignant narcissism and narcissism in general are very helpful and informative. We are here to listen and support you.

[Oh Brother]

Hello Channing,

There will come a time when I'm in your situation, particularly the guilt part.

I too have a uBPDs.  It was a great relief for me to realize several years ago that the cause of her irrational behavior is her disorder.  That allowed me to adjust my expectations of her, and my approach to relating with her.

In the last year things have gotten worse.  I tried to set a boundary with her about a year ago regarding her criticism of our mother, and she raged.  In the year since, she has sent me many abusive communications, to the point that I actually sought a restraining order against her, and had my attorney send her a cease and desist letter regarding her defamation and harassment of me.

At present I'm adhering to a no-contact approach with her.  I struggle to maintain compassion for her after the way she has behaved.  She has destroyed her relationships with me, my wife, and our children.

There may come a day, when both our parents are gone and she has no family of origin left except me, that I will feel sympathy for her having to live with her condition.  Then maybe I'll feel some guilt over not having tried to be more understanding and supportive at the present time.

However I felt I had to protect myself and my family from her abuse.  I am not able to help her learn how to live with her disorder.  She needs diagnosis and treatment from highly-qualified psychological professionals.  Unless and until she becomes open to helping herself, nobody else will be able to help her.

All I can suggest is, consider the cost of your guilt.  Is it your responsibility to be your sister's support system?  Is she willing to help herself?  You felt you needed to set boundaries lest her disorder dominate your time and energy.  If you relax those boundaries over guilt, what will that do to *your* mental health?  You have to take care of yourself.