Did you change your appearance, etc...: Post BPDex?

[Ad Meliora]

Did any of you change your appearance, style of dress, take up new hobbies, fire up old ones the BPDex wouldn’t allow?  I’m curious.  If so, did it help to distance you from them?

I did.  I took the advice of a character from Larry David’s “Curb your Enthusiasm”, Leon Black (JB Smoove).  When Larry’s wife left him Leon told him he needed to make some changes, “You need to become a different Muther-f**ker.  Grow a mustache or something.”  I started late last fall heading towards a Colonel Sanders type look.  I mean, we were all wearing masks anyway (literally) so what did it matter? The pointy goatee got unwieldy and not contained in the mask so I shaved that off but kept the mustache until it was freed post vaccination.  It’s long, giant and somewhere between a haughty handlebar and Bavarian Beergarden special.  It has the added effect of repelling women, except perhaps a select few.  All for the better these days I say.  Young men like it, as a failed hipster look perhaps.  I’ve been asked by several people if I’ve entered mustache competitions.  Maybe that’ll be a new hobby?

Anyway, I like it because the man in the mirror is a different mofo than the one that got duped by my BPDex.  I even had fantasies at one point if I bumped into her at the driving range of what that interaction would be like.  She would talk to me like I was her ex and I would say, “Did your man have a giant mustache?”. She’d say “no”, then I’d say, “I’m not that man, and lady, I surely don’t know who you are.”  Both are technically true, the last I can say with impunity, as she didn’t know who she was.

So how about you?  Are you working on becoming a new and improved you?  Taking up those lessons or hobbies you put off because you were under lock and key with your BPDex? Dye your hair blue?   I never would’ve known that the ends curl up naturally (must be my roots from the Böhmerwald).  So I learned something about myself, a small thing, but some thing. A thing I wouldn’t have learned if I didn’t do something different, try something different. I can shave it off in all of 30 seconds if I want to, getting over my ex, well, I’m still dragging her around in my thoughts over a year later.

[Sappho11]

What a wholesome thread! Ad Meliora, if you were in Europe, you'd be bang on trend. Facial hair is ubiquitous here, not just the three-day stubble, but moustaches and full-on beards, and many women like it.

A few weeks ago I started wearing lipstick. I figured I'm at an age now where this can be done unironically (probably the female equivalent to men's beards in a way). My ex already hated the usual "au naturel" makeup I wear on the daily, so my expectation was that men wouldn't like it, that it would simply be too much. Boy was I wrong. Lots of attention and compliments from handsome, put-together strangers. Ladies, do recommend.

After the breakup, I also finally started to play the violin. I picked a young, cute Italian teacher and was lucky that he's also competent at what he does. Making the effort of picking up a new skill, practising on the regular, receiving validation for my progress and not least, looking at someone pretty once a week   definitely does wonders for the soul.

[MeandThee29]

I changed my appearance a little, but not much really. I have a different haircut and have bought more colorful clothes lately. When I was married and during the separation/divorce, I never had the funds to shop much, so I didn't. I worked for a major department store for a time during the separation/divorce, so that helped me rework my sense of style.

The pandemic squashed a lot of things, but I get together with friends way more than I once did. I also do more volunteer work. He was perpetually jealous and wanted me home when he was home, period. I currently work 100% remotely, so getting out is important to me.

[SomeoneNice]

Good for you, man!
I’m three months out and I’ve managed to gain a lot more muscle and lost a lot more fat, I’ve bought a ton of new clothes and started wearing some interesting accessories (silver rings shaped as a Spartan helmet for example) instead of the steel ring with my ex’s name on it that I was forced to wear every time I went outside so that “no girl may approach me” and so that all of them know that I’m “her property”
I’m also growing a slightly longer beard now as my ex had me always keep it short or leave it a bit long near the chin area only, and I’m taking better care of myself over all.
I’m going to see my ex in a few weeks at university as we have a lab class together so I’m doing all I can to make her see me and regret the moment she discarded me (I had a lot more fat the last time she saw me and I looked different prior to the weight loss) while I completely ignore her existence

[once removed]

funny story:

so id just been dumped, right? feeling pretty bad about myself, confidence at an all time low.

i go for a haircut. i was, at the time, maybe a little bit vain about my hair. it was good hair. my ex especially liked it.

it had been long, like shoulder length, for about a decade. i go in, and i mentioned that id also like my beard trimmed. at some point, the hair dresser thinks we are talking about the length of my hair, i think we are talking about the length of my beard. she starts taking a buzzer to my hair.

im in shock. i tell her that is not at all what i meant. she tells me "oh, dont worry, i can just kinda blend it". i watch, in horror, and shock, as she proceeds to give me a mullet. i was in too much shock to even be angry or tell her "no, stop"; i didnt really know what to do.

a day or two later, still feeling horrible about it, i had a couple of friends over. i overheard one telling another "oh my god, his hair!". i wasnt even hurt or angry really, it was kinda shocking, and mullets are definitely not for me.

anyway, i got it fixed up to where it was just short hair. hair grows back. funny thing is, my hair was never the same again. it came back much thinner, and with some grey. i joke that my hair committed suicide  

if youre gonna shake things up, dont do anything too drastic 

[Ad Meliora]

Wow, these are some great things you guys! Awesome!  I really like the mullet story  so I'll start there, that made me chuckle, Once.  Maybe it should be in Sappho's comic moments thread?  

If I would've been at your party, Once, I would've thought to myself 'who's this cool dude pulling off the mullet? He must have some cojones!'  I may have come up to you and asked, "How's Dawg the Bounty Hunter--caught any fugitives lately?"  Haha.  Don't get me wrong, I love the mullet.  I had one '88-89 when they were "Bang on trend" as Sappho says.  I mean, I had a '76 Firebird, the jean jacket and hung with some of the burn-outs from time to time.  A mullet was a foregone conclusion there.  Maybe I'm just thinking crazy here, post BPDex, but I've been thinking about growing it out again.  My hair is now shaved short in back, and keeping it short would probably go better with the "Bavarian Bruiser" look I have going.  The much maligned mullet was pretty much done by the late 90's, except for your buddy Dawg, of course...

Hey SomeoneNice, sounds like you're doing great.  Getting in shape, building mass (and kicking a*s?).  I'm envious.  I'll say I had gone the opposite way with the pando going on and just feeling depressed post ex.  I was in decent shape when I was with her, biking regularly to keep fit.  Now that the fog is clearing for me, I've been thinking more about taking better care of myself and exercising more.  You're story is an inspiration.  The only thing that would be better for you is if some hottie hits on you while you do your lab work, with your ex watching.  I say "beard on", go for the "Yeard" (a year-long beard).  I'm not sure the mustache has an equivalent--a "Yasch?"

MeandThee, sounds like you're doing pretty good too.  Good to take advantage of that department store discount to brighten things up a bit.  I saw you post on your volunteer work before, and I think that's important.  Thank you for doing it.  I volunteer as well.  I have found it is easier to do that than get back to regular full-time work.  Less demands and people are generally really appreciative of you lending your time and skills.  Good job.

Sappho, I'm all about the wholesomeness.  Sounds like you pretty much have to fend off the men at this point with your changes!  Good for you.  It doesn't seem like it'll take that long for you to find another relationship, if that's what you want.  Watch out for those red flags though, yikes.  My BiPDex never wore make-up (person immediately b4 BPDex).  I thought she had beautiful features.  She looked like Janine Turner, in facial features not overall body shape (I know you like the references).  I like lipstick on a woman, that and having their nails done and toe nails. I like that "girly" stuff, which my partners in the past stayed away from.  Other than my BPDex, which was overly concerned (sensitive) about her appearance.  I once said I though she looked good, early on, and she said to me, "I do this for me not you!  Got it. Yikes.  I haven't been doing much in the hobby or appearance department.  This summer with the record heat it was pretty much cargo shorts, sandals, and tank tops for me.  Isn't that your favorite look on guys? ha ha

[Cromwell]

Yes actually in quite a radical way come to think of it.

It felt refreshing in a psychological way because of how obsessed she had been and how self aware it made me. From every thing i did was scrutinised to the nth degree. As far as brand of cigarettes.

It was heavy obsessive enmeshment that was nice on first few doses until i realised how weird it became. She literally had no identity than mirroring mine and id know. She'd been elsewhere because shed be acting completely differnet persona.

We change anyway but i did become proactive, new career dropped old lifestyle with hobbies, music even.

It did help and work, there's nothing to lose in this area can always revert back. I have done in some ways picked up old hobbies, her being gone eventually made me less self conscious and just be myself in comfort