Just feel like blabbing

[Selfishsally]

I don't know if I need advice or just to vent. I still have a lot of anger but I think its good, I think it is helping me to keep pushing myself through this time. I have been a SAHM for about 5 years. It has been a joy, a dream come true be able to be home with my children. I never regretted pausing a career to be home with them, unfortunately it made me very dependant on my h at some scary times in life.
Finally, being seperated has been great! I feel safer then ever, I still have struggles, but I am so happy and I am so grateful to be free.
My H has been very nice during this time, there is still manipulation, but I am holding on to the truth better now that I don't have to worry about the consequences.

I almost want him back...I have almost made that mistake a few times so any suggestions on resisting th love bomding would be great! I recently told him I was going to start working part- time and I know that annoyed him but then all of the sudden he is doing everything the way I asked and always bringing me gifts.
So anyways, this all just makes me feel crazy!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Selfishsally, 

Have you ever seen a picture of the abuse cycle? The love bombing stage is a part of it. What you need to look for is heart change, not behavior change. Heart change is something that you want to look for. Behavior change is just to get back what was lost, and then you're back on the cycle again.

What do you think pulls you back? Have you been able to start to look deep enough to get an idea?

Take care,
Wools

[Selfishsally]

What do you think pulls you back? Have you been able to start to look deep enough to get an idea?

The answer to that question is easy and hard to answer. I know the answer, I just don't like it. My kids are so young and that is one of biggest concerns. Just trying to make the best decision for them. But, Im not rushing to do anything yet. Thanks for reaching out and listening Wools.

[Rev]

The answer to that question is easy and hard to answer. I know the answer, I just don't like it. My kids are so young and that is one of biggest concerns. Just trying to make the best decision for them. But, Im not rushing to do anything yet. Thanks for reaching out and listening Wools.

Hi there Sally,

My word does that sound like a place I was in. And I can testify that with Wools here you are in good hands.

Just reading here what I read, the thing I want to share is to keep giving yourself the time to give yourself the time ... does that make sense? 'Cause one thing that I know that that these relationships can leave us feeling as if we are not worth anybody else's time.

Here - we make time for each other. Something we need to remember and cherish.

Hang in there. And thanks for sharing you remind us all that this is not a simple journey.

Rev

[Selfishsally]

Thank you,  Rev. It means a lot.

[poppy2]

I almost want him back...I have almost made that mistake a few times so any suggestions on resisting th love bomding would be great! I recently told him I was going to start working part- time and I know that annoyed him but then all of the sudden he is doing everything the way I asked and always bringing me gifts.
So anyways, this all just makes me feel crazy!

Hi Selfishsally,

I don't know if this is helpful, but I get the impression that there is an emotional side (i feel angry, I feel love-bombed/good, I feel crazy or confused) and then there is the longer-term, mental side (what do I want, given what I know about BPD can I imagine a future with this person, I am aiming to enter part-time work, etc.)

I think what is confusing about these relationships is that these two sides get mixed up. What I mean is, I wonder if you can receive the gifts or attention from him (if you want to) but then not immediately fall into feelings of confusion, or whether this means he has "changed", or anything like that.

I hope what I'm trying to say is clear. I think we can make little boundaries around our feelings and therefore learn to manage them in confusing situations better. If he brings you a gift, or does something right, how does this make you feel, directly, on the day? seen, heard, confused, manipulated? without bringing in the larger plans or messages about what this could "really mean"? Our "gut" really knows best, and slowing down to listen to that by separating the emotional impressions out will prevent more confusion down the road.

One example of where I'm coming from is- my partner made me feel good, supported, even very special. But did her actions follow-through on this, long term? usually not. If I was paying attention to that, piece by piece, rather than, 'this person makes me feel good, therefore they must be good for me in the long-term', it would have had a very different outcome.

Good luck

[Selfishsally]

Hey poppy,

So, the gifts don't really make me feel good. He knows that one of my love languages is gifts (probably the only thing he does know) and he thinks I want him to pursue me. I have told him I want space over and over and he continues to ask to spend time with me. I have made some progress with the ability to tell him that I don't think he is respecting me when I have to constantly have to tell him the same thing over and over.
I know things haven't changed... I just feel like I have weak moments or lonely moments.

One example of where I'm coming from is- my partner made me feel good, supported, even very special. But did her actions follow-through on this, long term? usually not. If I was paying attention to that, piece by piece, rather than, 'this person makes me feel good, therefore they must be good for me in the long-term', it would have had a very different outcome.

Good luck

I understand what you are saying with this and it is definitely a good thing to think through going forward. Thank you!

[poppy2]

So, the gifts don't really make me feel good. He knows that one of my love languages is gifts (probably the only thing he does know) and he thinks I want him to pursue me. I have told him I want space over and over and he continues to ask to spend time with me. I have made some progress with the ability to tell him that I don't think he is respecting me when I have to constantly have to tell him the same thing over and over.
I know things haven't changed... I just feel like I have weak moments or lonely moments. I understand what you are saying with this and it is definitely a good thing to think through going forward. Thank you!

Hey,

Thanks for the further explanation. If you've asked him for space, and he hasn't respected that, is there any way you can enforce this boundary more clearly? i'm not sure if you live together or not, but I think it's important that if you need space from him, he either gives it to you or you find a way for yourself. Could you ignore the gifts? What I'm trying to say is: if telling him isn't getting results, maybe there is another way where you can enforce the boundary yourself, especially if it doesn't make you feel good.

[Selfishsally]

I'm sorry, I am so bad at explaining things and of course its complicated!

We live seperately but see each other often because he sees the kids on his certain days or is at a soccer practice or game.
I feel like whenever I am anything other then standoffish he takes that as me being receptive to his advances. So it just feels confusing. I want to be cordial and be able to work together...
Working with my therapist we discuss that its not my responsibility to change him but I am providing a sort of motivation for him to seek help and change.
I want him to be as healthy as he can be whether we are going to be together or not.
Im not really sure on how else to maintain a boundary when  I feel like he is not listening to me. I've been thinking maybe I could start couple's counseling just to have someone else there when we communicate. The plan has been to begin couple's counseling when our therapists agree that it would be good. I just havent asked mine yet

[poppy2]

I feel like whenever I am anything other then standoffish he takes that as me being receptive to his advances. So it just feels confusing. I want to be cordial and be able to work together...

Hmm, I can see that's tricky. I think the most important thing is for you to know clearly where the boundary is - on the one hand, between what you wish for him, and on the other hand, the distance you want to have from his advances. If you show that you confidently know which is where, and can keep this up, then I think he will get the message.

This is what I would try to do in your situation. Just remember that your body language, expression etc is also a boundary, and you can be 'standoffish' or distant about things you don't like, and then engaged about things you do like. That's your right (it always is, and you don't need to justify it to anyone). But I don't know the best dynamics about special strategies for setting boundaries with pwBPD, as there may be kickback to that sort of behavior (that's what I've read). Did you read the skills section on boundaries? maybe there are useful tools there.

Working with my therapist we discuss that its not my responsibility to change him but I am providing a sort of motivation for him to seek help and change.
I want him to be as healthy as he can be whether we are going to be together or not.

I understand where you're coming from with this one. But, also from what I've read, it's actually the most important thing that he shoulders this responsibility for himself. That doesn't mean you can't want him too, as well, just that really all the literature says - they have to want to do it for themselves. Do you talk with your therapist about the kind of motivation you provide for him?

Im not really sure on how else to maintain a boundary when  I feel like he is not listening to me. I've been thinking maybe I could start couple's counseling just to have someone else there when we communicate. The plan has been to begin couple's counseling when our therapists agree that it would be good. I just havent asked mine yet

Feel free to describe more of the situation if you like. I don't really know if I can advise you in the best way, so I would ask - what does it make you want to do, when he doesn't listen? probably it makes you feel angry or frustrated. I think that anger is telling you 'where' or 'how' the new boundary should be set, once the old one isn't respected. I don't mean to get angry at him, I mean to listen to the expanse of these feelings and see what actions/needs/limits they are 'requiring' you to set. That's a super important skill that is described in detail in 'the dance of anger' by Harriet Lerner.

[Selfishsally]

My biggest motivation is that its going to be safe for my children to be alone with him. I am awful at setting boundaries and really need to focus more of my attention on that skill. I will look up at book you mentioned, it sounds interesting.

[poppy2]

My biggest motivation is that its going to be safe for my children to be alone with him.

That sounds very tough. I hope the situation improves for you and them.