Pleading for help in my head

[Hope4Joy]

I feel like when I talk with people this week that I wish they could hear me pleading for help in my head. In the last week I’ve been criticized for being too soft on our 4 year old (to put it nicely, and not trigger anyone here, but NOT regarding physical violence or anything) and heard again last night about how he feels disrespected that I don’t agree with his views on current world/national events/climate. The media is really getting to him. I tried to affirm his view on raising our child the other night. I pretty much told him I didn’t want to get into the whole political thing last night but tried to be assuring that my actions would align with his and I would let him know if I planned otherwise (trying to leave the bias out).

I was reading “Loving your spouse when you feel like walking away” this week also and all signs point to that I probably should take our kid and leave until he agrees to seek help. How does that go over with people that might have BPD, and most definitely control/anger issues, and threaten to leave themselves/ say they wish they would die frequently?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi, I can relate to being criticized for not sharing the same opinions. I'll leave it to others to answer your question, but I'd imagine he'd feel upset and betrayed. Maybe more important is looking out for your child and yourself if it's an abusive relationship; physical, verbal, emotional, or otherwise. Since you're posting in the Bettering forum, I'll assume you still have hope. When conversations get to emotional subjects, I say I don't want to talk about that with my uBPD wife. If she continues on that precarious subject, then I calmly say I need some time to myself and exit the room. I see this as a limit to avoid emotional dysregulation and keep the relationship positive. The first times enforcing any limit can be hard, but it gets easier with time and the pwBPD becomes used to the limit. Have you tried any limits on criticism or uncomfortable conversations?

[Hope4Joy]

Yes I realize that that book probably wasn’t the best advise for my situation. A nice long break from this cycle does sound really helpful though.

I used to try and take a break from conversations going in a bad way but I stopped due to resistance. He has this need for them to go on for about 2 hours just repeating everything until we get interrupted or it’s been the ~2 hours. In the last couple of months we even had an all nighter (that was a first)….I stayed up with him because he complains about being lonely and I wanted to be supportive, probably more enabling or something though

[m_stok]

If ypu are not happy with the relationship then there is no point thinking about your partner. You will need to live for yourselg and the kid. But if you are having any hope in this relationship. Sort it out!

[Jabiru]

I can relate. Conversations with my uBPD wife also got longer and longer and were cutting into my sleep time. After reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (I recommend it) and learning the importance of self care, I created and enforced my limits of when I want to go to sleep. Consistently enforcing boundaries is important. If she refuses to let me sleep then I go to another room to sleep or even a hotel if necessary. She's an adult and is responsible for managing herself including her emotions. I realize it may be hard for her with BPD but that doesn't mean I have to lose sleep caretaking her and enabling an unhealthy relationship. I'd rather get sleep now and be well rested for tomorrow to focus on healthy interactions with her. It's a big mindset shift that feels wrong at first. But now on the other side we both agree this way works much better and seems more stable for the long term. She has learned some techniques for coping with her emotions during those times I need a break probably because she's not depending on my caretaking / enabling. What do you think?

[Hope4Joy]

I think I can get my hands on an electronic copy of that book without a trace. I have no where to read a physical copy of anything privately. Thus far he has no interest in sharing an electronic book account, but you never know if the day may come. I hate the hiding of this suspicion.

Though your wife is undiagnosed, it seems like she has some awareness of her limitations? How did any of that realization come about? Wanting to learn coping skills, etc? Respecting your boundaries?

My boundaries have never been respected. I have read Boundaries in Marriage and probably will reread it sometime. There is definitely a chance that having an actual boundary discussion would backfire for me…

[Jabiru]

Yes, she's actually the one who brought up the topic of BPD after reading a self help book she chanced upon at the library and we went from there researching and learning. From what I've read on the forum, it's not recommended to push the pwBPD to accept it or even therapy but to let them know you're there for them if and when they accept it and want help -- they're the driver of their life, you're just there if they need help with something they can't do but want to do. Probably a combination of acceptance, my enforcing my boundaries, and time encouraged her to work on her coping skills and to respect my boundaries more. There are still times she crosses boundaries. I don't think that will ever go away. But those times have been so much less frequent and I'm much more comfortable in going to my alternatives. In fact, going to an alternative after a boundary is crossed reinforces the boundary itself. They see you're serious about it. Preparation is needed for the alternatives. I've seen a "bug out bag" recommended on this forum so you have food, water, medicine, etc. if you need to leave for some time until things calm down.

Boundaries aren't used to control others. They're used to protect yourself. I don't command her to let me sleep. Instead I say I want to sleep and it will be in the bedroom if she's respectful, otherwise I'll find another room or hotel so I can sleep. It's not about controlling her. It's about choosing alternatives that are within my power. I haven't read Boundaries in Marriage so I can't comment. I'll say that Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist was the push I needed to really think about my boundaries and enforce them. My first "official" boundary discussion made me nervous but I knew I had to do it. Start with a small boundary and be consistent with it. Work your way up to bigger boundaries as you become more comfortable with the process.