Leaving an ex w/BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey everyone,

I've been involved with a gentleman w/BPD in a "passionate" relationship for only a few months ; I ended the relationship after a few weeks as I saw many red flags and started to research what I came to understand is a very complex and destructive disorder.

My heart really wanted me to stay, but my body was screaming "RUN" and my mind was telling me to watch out, and to get out.

While we were still in the idealization stage, I feel a lot of damage was done to me, as I had to endure "micro-splits" (moments where he'd split on me if I wasn't available to him 24/7, which I wasn't : he would then walk out on me, just because I asked for a couple of days of "respite" from the relationship ; a lot of blame-shifting ; and an inability to communicate properly, which left me quite bewildered, confused, disoriented, sad, and feeling guilty).

I met him in June and managed to "escape" once in August for 21 days, but I let myself get sucked back in.

This time, I decided to move so he wouldn't find me, because I realized I had such a hard time resisting him. It's impossible for me to reject him, because I am so addicted.
Yet at the same time, I realized that this relationship was extremely dangerous for me.

So I had to move. And this time I have managed to stay NO CONTACT for 22 days ! Today is DAY 22nd. (So that's one more day than the previous NO CONTACT episode). Yay. I say Yay, but in truth, my  heart is broken, and it is hard to mend it, even after such a short period of time.

I had to move, otherwise, I know I would have never managed to resist the charms (I've been charmed back in multiple times already, this is a relationship I've tried to escape 5, 6, 7 times... in just four months).
 
I feel sad and hurt and lonely.

Sad : because I still love him, and saw a very hurt, vulnerable, scared, sick person, and bonded on that level with him (I am also a hurt, vulnerable, scared, sick person, but I am not just that : I'm also a strong, valiant, courageous, fun, sweet, and curious person : and what drew me to this relationship, I want to mend now : I truly want to get better).

Hurt : because he has hurt me and I have hurt him.

Lonely : because he was filling me up with a kind of "love juice" ; although it was probably fake or over-the-top, at the time it felt real enough to compensate for the lack of love in my life.

Part of that lack stems from childhood - the other part, stems from the loneliness induced by a long-term chronic condition that causes me to feel very unwell physically everyday, which limits what I can do (and has caused me to feel lonely for the past 15 years).

Thanks for reading me ! I am very grateful to be here with you. I absolutely intend to stay NO CONTACT until I recover from this relationship, hopefully I'll get better and start forgetting him, and manage to "detox" from the relationship.

PS : (among many other things that I find very hard) : one thing I find hard is this : I still feel very guilty for leaving him, even though I really didn't have a choice (I had to save myself) and really tried and tried to stay ; and I wonder and hope he isn't doing too bad ; I guess I should mind my own business, and take care of my end of things ? But it's so hard not to feel worried and preoccupied, I guess, this stems from childhood too, taking care of others, and worrying about another's feelings, instead of taking care of oneself.

[Newdawnnewday]

Hey everyone,

I've been involved with a gentleman w/BPD in a "passionate" relationship for only a few months ; I ended the relationship after a few weeks as I saw many red flags and started to research what I came to understand is a very complex and destructive disorder.

My heart really wanted me to stay, but my body was screaming "RUN" and my mind was telling me to watch out, and to get out.

While we were still in the idealization stage, I feel a lot of damage was done to me, as I had to endure "micro-splits" (moments where he'd split on me if I wasn't available to him 24/7, which I wasn't : he would then walk out on me, just because I asked for a couple of days of "respite" from the relationship ; a lot of blame-shifting ; and an inability to communicate properly, which left me quite bewildered, confused, disoriented, sad, and feeling guilty).

I met him in June and managed to "escape" once in August for 21 days, but I let myself get sucked back in.

This time, I decided to move so he wouldn't find me, because I realized I had such a hard time resisting him. It's impossible for me to reject him, because I am so addicted.
Yet at the same time, I realized that this relationship was extremely dangerous for me.

So I had to move. And this time I have managed to stay NO CONTACT for 22 days ! Today is DAY 22nd. (So that's one more day than the previous NO CONTACT episode). Yay. I say Yay, but in truth, my  heart is broken, and it is hard to mend it, even after such a short period of time.

I had to move, otherwise, I know I would have never managed to resist the charms (I've been charmed back in multiple times already, this is a relationship I've tried to escape 5, 6, 7 times... in just four months).
 
I feel sad and hurt and lonely.

Sad : because I still love him, and saw a very hurt, vulnerable, scared, sick person, and bonded on that level with him (I am also a hurt, vulnerable, scared, sick person, but I am not just that : I'm also a strong, valiant, courageous, fun, sweet, and curious person : and what drew me to this relationship, I want to mend now : I truly want to get better).

Hurt : because he has hurt me and I have hurt him.

Lonely : because he was filling me up with a kind of "love juice" ; although it was probably fake or over-the-top, at the time it felt real enough to compensate for the lack of love in my life.

Part of that lack stems from childhood - the other part, stems from the loneliness induced by a long-term chronic condition that causes me to feel very unwell physically everyday, which limits what I can do (and has caused me to feel lonely for the past 15 years).

Thanks for reading me ! I am very grateful to be here with you. I absolutely intend to stay NO CONTACT until I recover from this relationship, hopefully I'll get better and start forgetting him, and manage to "detox" from the relationship.

PS : (among many other things that I find very hard) : one thing I find hard is this : I still feel very guilty for leaving him, even though I really didn't have a choice (I had to save myself) and really tried and tried to stay ; and I wonder and hope he isn't doing too bad ; I guess I should mind my own business, and take care of my end of things ? But it's so hard not to feel worried and preoccupied, I guess, this stems from childhood too, taking care of others, and worrying about another's feelings, instead of taking care of oneself.

[Ad Meliora]

I still feel very guilty for leaving him, even though I really didn't have a choice (I had to save myself) and really tried and tried to stay ; and I wonder and hope he isn't doing too bad ; I guess I should mind my own business, and take care of my end of things ? But it's so hard not to feel worried and preoccupied,--New Dawn

Hi NewdawnNday,

Welcome, and congrats on your weeks of No Contact.  I was pushed into a similar place as you after a year long relationship which had several break-ups (recycles).  I worried about how she was feeling later too, and it's seems to me now I don't have a clue.  I mean, I don't even know if she even has things like you and I call "feelings" at all when it comes to romantic relationships.  I understand your guilt.  I wrote a 3 page letter a couple of months after the break-up asking her, begging her, to explain herself, to provide some reason or excuse for how she treated me.  Nothing.  Almost 15 months later...still nothing.  She was done with me, I was to be discarded.  She pushed me away so I left, a broken man, and she shook it off like our entire r/s was a childish art project on an Etch-A-Sketch.

A year later after the break-up I was still pre-occupied with thoughts of her.  Coming to this forum, sharing my story and listening to the stories of others has helped me greatly. 

I think taking care of yourself is good, as you say.  Do you have one thing in mind that you thought of that relates to taking care of yourself?

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi AdMeliora,

Many thanks for your reply.

That's a great question, regarding feelings. It appears as though (in my experience) the feelings are intense as they are shallow, so the person w/ BPD experiences extremely high intensity "love", which we mistake and accept for true love. This in turn causes us to feel "really loved", but we both know that "real love" is NOT what we experience with our ex-partners with BPD.

So, we perhaps struggle to reconcile this, intensity vs "true love".

Perhaps the intensity of their "love" could also be a reflection of their emotional dysregulation, rather than, feelings leading them to create a "real bond" with us ?

That's the hardest part perhaps, in a way, we have bonded with our exes, because we felt that emotional intensity to be true love.

But that's something we should explore for ourselves, why we did we fall for that ? I know, I myself struggle with that, mistaking intensity for intimacy.

My parents were both very dysregulated and showered me with that kind of shallow, intense love and adoration ; but that love had more to do with what they were going through at the time, than a true bond with me.

To this day, my mum will say "I love you ! I love you ! I love you !" when she is happy, but she's both unable and unwilling to share in the deep, true, intimate exchanges that would be a sign of authentic, mutual relationship.

I also had an ex whose love for me I felt was both as intense and as shallow as the appetite he could have for pizza. When very hungry, he would be joyful and ecstatic at the sight of a delicious pizza. I used to tell him, your "I love you's", of which there were many, could just as well be addressed to a yummy pizza.

This could also explain why people with BPD can sometimes seem so deeply, madly, intensely in love with us, but the minute we're not there with them to "receive" and reciprocate that intensity, they go and cheat so easily, showering someone else with their intensity ?

This is so sad...

So, as for what I could do to take care of myself (instead of thinking of him), AdMeliora : well I did that first by coming to the board instead of allowing myself to be crippled by an "attack of emotional pain" associated with the break-up. Second, I will meditate and MAP OUT MY DAY in a way that will make me feel proud of myself. Even if the pain doesn't abate immediately, I will have "sown" the seeds of progress...

Thanks again for the reply and the welcome !

Take care !

PS : I am going to try to live my (very painful) NO CONTACT episode trying to apply as much of this quote as I can : "Don't judge each day by the harvest that you reap, but by the seeds that you plant." Robert Louis Stevenson

[Ad Meliora]

Hey NewDawn,  I just want to say sounds like you have a good plan and you're doing a good job.  You now have another half-week to add to your 3 weeks of No Contact!

It may be a small victory, but it's a victory.  In helping others think through what's going on, hopefully that will be helpful to you also.  I'm over a year NC and it feels good.

[Newdawnnewday]

Hey Ad Meliora ! Thank you so much for your thoughtful message. It helps a lot !

Yes ! I'm getting closer to 4 weeks no contact and, things are slowly shifting, although I'm still very often caught by violent urges to connect and really intense emotional movements...

I don't give in though because I know where I want to go.

Yet when these urges come, it looks as though all I ever wanted is this man in my life...

This is so crazy...

Yes ! It also helps to give encouragement to others, we often give out the advice we'd like to give ourselves ;-)

That's also why we should be very cautious... because  we don't all want the same things.

I'm very clear as to what I deeply deeply want (freedom ! and to be totally available for the beautiful life that lays ahead of me).

However, withdrawing from a person w/ BPD is really... tough to say the least ! I think I still struggle with cognitive dissonance and the trauma bond, thinking that relationship was something more than it was, that that person was kinder, nicer, sweeter, than he really was (even though he as shown aspects of him that are terribly selfish, the love bombing leaves an imprint that is hard to erase !).

Time will help, and the willingness to see the truth.

Even if it hurts !

Denial is a very protective mechanism...

Telling myself I simply was in love with an #!*!# apparently hurts a lot...

And yet, I believe that to be the truth... that the person I thought I loved was a mirage, and the man he truly was, wasn't really worth all that time, that attention, and that level of psychological damage (still reeling from the emotional pain).

Thanks again for the message Ad Meliora ! It's very kind of you to demonstrate an interest in our fates, I appreciate it very much !