I just don’t understand how a person can move on that fast after being with someone for so long.
i didnt either. i came to understand there are several reasons a person might do this, a number of which applied in my case.
1. often times, especially toward the end of a breakup, both parties are not on the same page emotionally. one or both may have grieved the relationship to an extent.
I don’t get how someone was obsessed with me and claimed to love me as much she did could change so unbelievably quickly.
2. people with bpd (and this does not apply to them exclusively) fall hard, and they fall fast. but to an extent, that attachment may be shallow. think intensity vs intimacy. the lovely words, the idealization, the promises, are not lies, but they are an exaggeration, and an overstatement. i always compare it to the fact that ive probably told every girlfriend ive dated that they are "the most beautiful girl in the world", or some form of that. it isnt that i didnt mean it at the time, but i obviously dont feel that way today. people with bpd will do this on a more extreme or pathological level.
one of the hardest parts is that we tend to over invest in the words. its hard to square that person that said those things with the person that seemed to move on so easily. the path to healing, for me, was to see those words for what they were (not a lie, but an exaggeration and an overstatement) and to let go of them. it hurt me, deeply, to do so, and then it got better. the truth is, my own words and feelings were an exaggeration, too, and a large part of my attachment to her, and my struggles detaching, were about how she made me feel, vs how i felt about her. letting go of those words and how she made me feel made it easier to see all of that.
3. like
SinisterComplex said, lots of people are overlappers. ive seen countless members here jump into new relationships to try to heal their broken hearts. there are a lot of messages in society out there that tell us this is the most effective way to "get over someone".
there are healthy reasons, non healthy reasons, and reasons that could go either way. for some, dating again is part of getting back to normal. that can be a healthy thing, an unhealthy thing, or somewhere in between. there is also the fact that none of us are getting younger. theres a lot of pressure to settle down and to start a family. for some people its just a high priority. for others it stems from the belief that that is what will make them healthy and whole.
It’s been over a year and some things just still hurt I guess. I feel embarrassed.
it got a hell of a lot easier for me when i gave myself permission to grieve. we dont tend to beat ourselves up for mourning a death. in the same way, grieving a relationship is not a contest. beating ourselves up for not being "further along", if anything, inhibits and prolongs that grief. the ability to vulnerably say "i am hurting, i am grieving", is a healing thing.
I think my ego is still hurt.
having said that, at one year, i would suggest that its less about her at this point, and more about attachment to the wound(s). that ego wound is something most of us struggle with in the aftermath. there are some that may struggle with it forever. when you are able to identify that wound, you can learn to begin to let go of it, and you can begin to heal, even stronger than before.
