Fears at work in your relationship with your BPDex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

There were two primary fears at work in my relationship with my BPDex:  Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment.  I’ll get to who had what in a moment, but I’ll just say the whole relationship was with fraught with anxiety, at least on my part.  I’m a worrier in general, and she had a way of triggering that worry on a conscious and unconscious level so it became a complete mind-f**k on my end.  Hence my journey to the forum.  I don’t know if any of you see yourself as worriers.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it helps you foresee and anticipate problems ahead.  Of course, it can become obsessive and turn in on itself to the point of paralysis if not checked with reality.

Me—Fear of Abandonment

My father left when I was seven and my sister four.  A seven year old has no way of understanding why a primary caregiver suddenly leaves.  One day you’re flying a kite in the park, the next he disappears after a huge fight with your mother.  Two weeks later, he resurfaces and says that this other lady is your “new mom”.  Yeah, the one who can’t cook soup without burning it.  I first became aware of this at work in my relationships 18 years ago when I was in marriage counseling.  The therapist was smart and said, “That must have caused you a lot of anxiety to have your father suddenly leave like that.”  Bingo!:  Fear of Abandonment.  How that plays out is that I am seeking partners who I can be assured will stick around for the long haul.  Maybe they aren’t the best fit, but they are dependable, loyal, honest, etc… If the relationship sours, I want to be the one doing the leaving, so I have some control over the ending (as I had no control over my father leaving for another woman).  Of course I’m an adult, I sit down with my partner and discuss issues in the relationship and how we can work together to better it, resolve conflict, and the rest.  I don’t want to give up on the relationship, I really don’t especially when I had 9 years in on my college sweetheart (ex wife) and 15 years in on my BiPDex, but sometimes it gets to a point where it is irreconcilable which often takes many years. I’ll demonstrate how my fear and my approach to resolving it was the worst thing possible when encountering my BPDex.

Her—Fear of Engulfment

Now, she may also have a hidden fear of abandonment, but far greater was her fear of engulfment.  I only learned of the term here on the forum, and it makes so much sense to me now in explaining some of the ridiculous behaviors I witnessed.  She didn’t want to be controlled at all, so how did she solve that?  By deceiving, manipulating, and controlling me as much as possible.  She was so sensitive to being controlled that if I would suggest a place for lunch she might erupt and tell me that was a terrible idea, only to come up with a place only slightly different.  How she primarily dealt with this fear was by withdrawing and retreating.  Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, and sometimes for over a week.  She would just disappear, from text conversations, from abrupt ending of phone calls, or in general.  Anytime she was stressed about anything that was her go-to behavior.  It was so routine, I think she just did that when she was fine too, out of habit.  Her memory was so shot she might not even know why she was doing it.  When I would ask her about why she disappeared she was ready with an excuse, or would ignore it, or (most likely) she would figure out the way to put the blame on me. “You suggested we have Cubanos for lunch remember!  I just wanted a lard based hoagie with ham, roasted pork, melted swiss cheese, pickles and special mustard sauce inside!  How could you be so insensitive to my needs!  I don’t know why I’m even talking to you now after that!”  You get the drift.

So I wanted someone who would stick around, and she regularly ran away.  I wanted someone who would talk to me about how they felt.  She didn’t want to talk about feelings, and if I did, she would run away.  I would double my efforts, because I really wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on here and if she even wanted to be in a relationship.  She would say, ‘Of course I do, and I’d talk more, but I've decided I want to visit my sister in Florida for 3 weeks and by the way could you take care of my cat while I'm gone and watch my house, and the like?  Yes, then we’ll have that convo, maybe. Oh, and I’m going to drunk dial you in the middle of the night after I've won $400 at the casino and then ask if you wanted to fly down and visit too, even though I ignored you as I was making the initial plans.’  You know, that ole nugget you’re all familiar with…

Fear of Abandonment + Fear of Engulfment =  Catastrophe (in relationships)

How about you?  What fears were at play that you identified with your BPDex?  Other fears in general?  The overall anxiety level on a 1 to 10 scale?

[Ad Meliora]

There were two primary fears at work in my relationship with my BPDex:  Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment.  I’ll get to who had what in a moment, but I’ll just say the whole relationship was with fraught with anxiety, at least on my part.  I’m a worrier in general, and she had a way of triggering that worry on a conscious and unconscious level so it became a complete mind-f**k on my end.  Hence my journey to the forum.  I don’t know if any of you see yourself as worriers.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it helps you foresee and anticipate problems ahead.  Of course, it can become obsessive and turn in on itself to the point of paralysis if not checked with reality.

Me—Fear of Abandonment

My father left when I was seven and my sister four.  A seven year old has no way of understanding why a primary caregiver suddenly leaves.  One day you’re flying a kite in the park, the next he disappears after a huge fight with your mother.  Two weeks later, he resurfaces and says that this other lady is your “new mom”.  Yeah, the one who can’t cook soup without burning it.  I first became aware of this at work in my relationships 18 years ago when I was in marriage counseling.  The therapist was smart and said, “That must have caused you a lot of anxiety to have your father suddenly leave like that.”  Bingo!:  Fear of Abandonment.  How that plays out is that I am seeking partners who I can be assured will stick around for the long haul.  Maybe they aren’t the best fit, but they are dependable, loyal, honest, etc… If the relationship sours, I want to be the one doing the leaving, so I have some control over the ending (as I had no control over my father leaving for another woman).  Of course I’m an adult, I sit down with my partner and discuss issues in the relationship and how we can work together to better it, resolve conflict, and the rest.  I don’t want to give up on the relationship, I really don’t especially when I had 9 years in on my college sweetheart (ex wife) and 15 years in on my BiPDex, but sometimes it gets to a point where it is irreconcilable which often takes many years. I’ll demonstrate how my fear and my approach to resolving it was the worst thing possible when encountering my BPDex.

Her—Fear of Engulfment

Now, she may also have a hidden fear of abandonment, but far greater was her fear of engulfment.  I only learned of the term here on the forum, and it makes so much sense to me now in explaining some of the ridiculous behaviors I witnessed.  She didn’t want to be controlled at all, so how did she solve that?  By deceiving, manipulating, and controlling me as much as possible.  She was so sensitive to being controlled that if I would suggest a place for lunch she might erupt and tell me that was a terrible idea, only to come up with a place only slightly different.  How she primarily dealt with this fear was by withdrawing and retreating.  Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, and sometimes for over a week.  She would just disappear, from text conversations, from abrupt ending of phone calls, or in general.  Anytime she was stressed about anything that was her go-to behavior.  It was so routine, I think she just did that when she was fine too, out of habit.  Her memory was so shot she might not even know why she was doing it.  When I would ask her about why she disappeared she was ready with an excuse, or would ignore it, or (most likely) she would figure out the way to put the blame on me. “You suggested we have Cubanos for lunch remember!  I just wanted a lard based hoagie with ham, roasted pork, melted swiss cheese, pickles and special mustard sauce inside!  How could you be so insensitive to my needs!  I don’t know why I’m even talking to you now after that!”  You get the drift.

So I wanted someone who would stick around, and she regularly ran away.  I wanted someone who would talk to me about how they felt.  She didn’t want to talk about feelings, and if I did, she would run away.  I would double my efforts, because I really wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on here and if she even wanted to be in a relationship.  She would say, ‘Of course I do, and I’d talk more, but I've decided I want to visit my sister in Florida for 3 weeks and by the way could you take care of my cat while I'm gone and watch my house, and the like?  Yes, then we’ll have that convo, maybe. Oh, and I’m going to drunk dial you in the middle of the night after I've won $400 at the casino and then ask if you wanted to fly down and visit too, even though I ignored you as I was making the initial plans.’  You know, that ole nugget you’re all familiar with…

Fear of Abandonment + Fear of Engulfment =  Catastrophe (in relationships)

How about you?  What fears were at play that you identified with your BPDex?  Other fears in general?  The overall anxiety level on a 1 to 10 scale?