How to deal with sister

[Dxc1]

Hello
My sister has BPD. She’s been mostly rotten to me the majority of our childhood and into adulthood. She not only refused to go to my wedding years ago but she actively tried to sabotage it.
I haven’t talked to her much over the years.
Since I now have kids I wanted them to have somewhat of a relationship with her. Especially since she is my only sibling and our aunts and uncles were always good to us.
She has never met them (despite me inviting her). Shows no interest in them. I texted her some pictures a few times  and she responded “stop sending me this, you are wasting my data”.
In between these outbursts we can have a civil conversation so I feel like things are getting better… but then the next time she asks like a jerk.  today I sent out a Xmas list for the kids to our whole family. I included her and she replied all “unsubscribe”.

I’m really offended. After doing something like that she will call me upset about something a few weeks later and pretend everything is fine.
Should I just cut her off completely? She’s so hurtful and never apologizes. I’m over it.

[kells76]

Hi Dxc1, welcome to the group -- glad you found us.

Sounds like you've had your eyes open to your sister's behaviors for quite a while. It's so unfortunately typical that a pwBPD (person with BPD or BPD-type traits) will make an emotionally intense event (wedding, funeral, hospital, engagement, etc) about themselves -- like there's not enough care and concern to go around, and they must get it all, not other people.

I'm glad your uncles and aunts were so kind to you. That extended family network can offer great support. Do you think they see what's up with your sister?

And, if you feel comfortable answering, how old are your kids? Strategies for positive family interactions with infants/toddlers will naturally be different than strategies for older teens/college age kids.

She's got a cycle of really hurtful actions and then the "dry erase board", where it's like it never happened. You're at a decision point -- is your desire for your kiddos to have their aunt involved in their lives stronger than this sense that she can be a deeply hurtful person, over and over?

Let us know your thoughts...

kells76

[Dxc1]

Thank for your response.
Yes my family and extended family are aware of her problems. My dad had her go to a psychiatrist 10 years ago who gave her the diagnosis. She refused treatment.
My parents, however, are in playing the part of enablers.  She will say absolutely horrific and hurtful things to them (“I hope you die”) and tell them she’s never speaking to them again—and then a few weeks later she’ll call them to brag about her work because she needs an audience or ask them
to buy her something.
It’s just all so exhausting at this point. I wish my
Parents would set boundaries.
I guess I also need to stop pretending she’s going to change as well and I shouldn’t also take her calls anymore until she apologizes for her behavior.
My kids are young (5 and 5 months). My 5 year old doesn’t understand how I have a sister that he hasn’t met and I rarely discuss. It’s a very bizarre feeling.
 I’m also embarrassed when my friends ask about her and say things like. “Oh does your sister help with the kids?” 

Well no, she’s refuses to meet them.

[yamada]

dont inflict your sisters toxic behaviour on your children...it is not fair to them

[zachira]

It is so sad that your sister is the way she is and that your parents are enabling her. It sounds like she is not a safe person to be in contact with your children. Many members of my immediate and extended families have enabled my siblings and other disordered family members since even before I was born. Your sister is likely to get worse with time, and the question is when/if you decide to set certain boundaries with her and the people who enable her. No right or wrong answers here. I keep questioning myself on my timing of setting certain boundaries with my highly dysfunctional family members, and really can't look in the crystal ball and predict what would have happened.