Just a long rant

[Janie Starks]

Hi everyone

it's been quite a long time since my last post. I couldn't bring myself to write anything, thinking about my feelings recently really put me through a lot of pain.
I was doing well for some time practicing mindfulness, learning to recognise distortions in my thoughts, understanding my past wounds; though, for some reason something prevented me from replying to your nice and heartwarming comments and suggestions.
I kept feeling that I wasn't deserving of all of this love, and though I know that it's not true, I needed some time to reflect on it.

I've been feeling suicidal for the longest time, even before this whole BPD thing, before meeting my boyfriend, it's been so many years fighting this urge to take my life that now I'm just completely drained.
I realised that under all this hard work I've been doing on myself and with myself, this thought/need is not gone at all.

I thought I was kinda handling it, but apparently I was just looking the other way pretending that it was gone. But it was there all along, lurking in the dark, waiting for moments like this when I would feel weaker and just jump on me and drag me back into this dreadful fog of death. And now I'm its prisoner again.
When I think about my future I don't see anything, it's just darkness; whenever I'm about to put some actual effort into something there's a loud voice in my head telling me that it's not worth it cause I'm going to die soon anyway.

I'm not sad actually, I know it's not sadness, everything feels just numb and grey and flat, nothing makes me genuinely happy, I don't remember how being excited feels like anymore. It takes so much energy to do the smallest thing, and all this energy gets inevitably stolen from me by my pwBPD.
I don't know why I'm even doing it, it's like I don't care about myself enough to get away from him. I know I could do it if I tried enough, but I just don't want to, cause I don't care, because I'm not so important to myself to actually get what i'm worthy of instead of this neverending cycle of abuse.

Reading all these books about trauma and BPD and abusive relationships finally taught me to be more honest with myself, and what I saw in my heart is that I've been in such  pain for such a long time in my life that I don't want to make the smallest effort, and if I had to die tomorrow, or in one hour or in one minute, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye and probably just breath a sigh of relief.
That's a pretty gloomy thought, but I needed to share it with someone who wouldnt just invalidate my feelings and tell me to man up.

Something that makes me feel bad about myself is seeing that I'm starting to act a lot like my BPDbf, I cannot control my emotions anymore, I can't handle disagreement, I go into a wild rage for the smallest thing and then feel so deeply ashamed I don't want to talk to anyone for days, my thinking is starting to be so black-and-white that I sometimes feel like I'm watching someone else's thoughts, definitely not mine, I'm not like that. I get stuck into past events and keep ruminating until I feel nauseous and only some Rachmaninoff concertos or Glenn Gould can bring me back to reality, that I'm strong and talented, if only I cared about myself like I do about others. BPD fleas? C-PTSD? who knows

That's it for the moment, i feel better after sharing this

[ILMBPDC]

Thank you for sharing. As a fellow major-depression sufferer I just want you to know you're not alone.

I went off my meds earlier this year to start experimenting with other treatments (the SSRIs did nothing but numb my emotions and I've spent most of my life ignoring my issues with their help). So far I have tried yoga, meditation, journaling, psychedelics, spiritual retreat/energy work, therapy, exercise (when I could get up the motivation to try to  go to the gym anyway). A month ago my GP basically confronted me about going off my meds and after a discussion she decided to put me on a low dose T3 thyroid medicine - and it has worked wonders. My thyroid numbers are "normal" but thyroid issues run in my family and this particular medicine is used off label for depression - and apparently a symptom of thyroid issues is depression.

I'm not trying to tell you to go my route, I just want to encourage you to maybe look at some possible treatments besides antidepressants (assuming you've tried them?  They may help you if not), you never know what might help.

Hugs

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for the rant, glad it made you feel better.  How are you feeling today?  Yesterday wasn't very good, but how about now?  How about right now?   Can you make yourself a cup of tea and listen to Rachmaninoff? 

I know a month ago you had a nice action list you shared and one of the points was looking up a therapist.  Did you have any luck?  If you still can't find a professional to talk to, how about other people?   A supportive friend or relative?

If you're feeling the way you're feeling talking to someone should be at the top of your list (after a cup of tea and some nice music, of course...).  There are call lines too, and you can remain anonymous like here.  There's someone on the other end that likely has the right words and can understand the cold blue hell you've found yourself in.

I think you're doing pretty good on your self-help.  Trying mindfulness and reading a lot on the condition.  Maybe you're making more progress than you think?  Maybe it's too much reading, though too.  More music maybe.

You put some effort into this post.  I get a good sense of the place you're in, and frankly I wouldn't want to spend much more time there.   My BPDex never put effort into anything, or could express her feelings, so you should give yourself some credit for that.  It's not nothing, as I'm replying to something.  If you do one thing, maybe another thing can be done, who knows...maybe even three things!

Not too fast though, a cup of tea or a nice hot latte first, treat yourself for your progress.  Put Glenn Gould on, and thank yourself for caring enough to share your pain with others so it doesn't have to be stuck in you.