Completely shattered and broken hearted please help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone, I've been lurking here a long time but finally want to share my story and ask for any help or consolation with what has easily been the most difficult thing in my life.

I suspect my now ex girlfriend has severe BPD. She is undiagnosed but hopefully after I share my story others can maybe provide me some insight. Anyways, I met this girl last summer (July) and we began seriously dating about a month (August) after being friends. We had both just gotten out of long term relationships. My previous relationship (marriage of 8 years) just fizzled out, hers ended (2 years) because her partner was very physically and emotionally abusive. I was completely out of my relationship before we started dating but her timeline was very cloudy. One time she'd tell me they had been broken up for a month before we started dating, other times I was told that I was the reason she was finally able to leave him. I didn't push the issue at the time because I was head over heels for this girl. She is 8 years my junior and was everything that my previous long term partner was not. She was insanely passionate, sexual, encouraging, and showered me with more love and compliments I thought I'd ever hear in my lifetime. She told me she loved me one week after dating and we told each other it every day until she left me last (red flag I know). My last relationship had been so dead I ignored any of these potential red flags and was 100% sure I'd found my once in a lifetime hollywood love. Because of the pandemic and things being shut down, we spent nearly all day every day together for months. I never got tired of her and had the life I'd always dreamed of. We had veery few if any arguments in the first couple of months and things were bliss. Slowly as things got closer to fall I began to see behaviors from her that I hadn't seen. Mainly, she suffered from extreme anxiety. On many different occasions usually at night she would get so anxious she would huddle up into a ball and tell me not to touch or speak with her until she had calmed down (usually 10-30 minutes). She had suffered multiple instances of sexual abuse as a child and young adult and grew up in a highly verbally and emotionally abusive household and I figured this was all in relation to that. She had confided in me multiple times she used to engage in reckless sex and drug use as a way to cope with her problems. I wanted to support her as best I could and slowly learned how to treat her best when these instances would arise. As we continued our relationship I began to see some of the very first cracks in the armor. First off, she had very few (less than 3) girlfriends and they were all recent friends. All of her girlfriends in the past had wronged her in some way and she would completely cut them off. I began to see an angry side of her that once I saw it once, she seemed to be comfortable continually showing it around me. None of this was directed at me, but she would get so violently angry at her girlfriends or others it shocked me. I grew up in a very safe home and had never heard anyone speak like she did to others consistently. By Halloween of last year, she had essentially nuked every girl friendship she had save one, who obviously made an effort to see her less and less. It was always their fault from my girlfriends eyes and she made zero effort to reconcile and immediately blocked them out of her life. It was also around this time that I had my first negative feelings towards the relationship in the form of ex boyfriends and hook ups entering the picture. We had been together 2-3 months by this point when I found a message from her ex boyfriend come through about how he had bought her a t shirt she had always wanted. I didn't think anything of it and figured it was a mistake because my girlfriend went on and on about how much she hated her ex. Well sure enough, a week or so later she came out of her house with the shirt on to go on a date. I was upset and confronted her about it, she confessed to him buying it and apologized. Her somber attitude only lasted about half an hour before I got a glimpse of a behavior I would encounter many times over in the next few months. In an instant she changed her attitude from that of remorse and sorrow to anger about how I'd even found out her ex bought her that shirt and why I didn't come forward sooner. I was stunned to feel at fault for this all the sudden and found myself apologizing but reinforcing why I felt bad. She got so upset she sent me home that night, I couldn't believe it.  Fast forward to Christmas time and she told me one week she was going to hang out with a guy friend. I always appreciated how upfront she was to me whenever something like this came upland I thanked her for telling me. Her and this guy friend had been friends for a long time and although it made me uncomfortable, I trusted her and didn't want to be controlling. Well she hung out with the guy and came home to complain about some of the creepy sexual comments he made towards her and how that evening he confessed his love to her which are her very uncomfortable. I didn't know how to quite deal with this so I tried to be as supportive as possible even though it made me very uncomfortable. A few days after that a mutual friend of ours informed me that this guy and her used to date off and on through high school. It made me mad because she made it seem like they were just old friends and there being a romantic relationship in the past changed things drastically for me. I confronted her about this and received the same reaction I did when I confronted her about the t shirt, real remorse followed by intense anger and sending me home for the night. The second time this happened I began to question my sanity, I couldn't believe how bad I felt over something I wasn't at fault for. Each time something like this happened we'd communicate (she was an exceptional communicator when she wanted to be), air out our differences and move on. I truthfully felt like each issue was handled in its entirety. As our relationship continued I fell head over heels for this girl. She told me shed accept if I proposed that day, told me shed never wanted kids before but now wanted a miniature version of me in her life, just so many things that made me so happy, We'd have small disagreements here and there where I felt she was being overly dramatic but I accepted these because I knew she'd been through so much. The first massive chink in the armor for me occurred this past april. I was informed my e father in law had passed away due to covid19 and I was devastated. I felt so bad for my ex wife and her poor family. I received this news around 7 in the morning while I was in bed with my girlfriend. I began to cry and my girlfriend woke up to console me. She was amazingly loving to me and told me she was there to support me, she offered to give me a little space and go get some breakfast and coffee for us. While she was out she texted me reaffirming messages telling me she loved me and was there for me. I showered and when she got back home, something had changed and she was completely different. Gone was the loving attitude and in its place was anger and indifference. After making it so painfully obvious I pressed her to see what was wrong, she exploded and told me I shouldn't care enough to cry about a family that I "divorced" and that my reaction proved I still loved my ex. I was completely shocked and tried to reassure her that was not the case at all and that I felt bad for the entire family, not solely my ex. That didn't work out at all and the fight lasted for two days before it didn't come up again.to this day I'd never seen such an ugly reaction from another human being. I was tempted to break things off then, but I again chalked it u to youth, and past trauma and tried hard to move on from this.

Once that anger was breached, over the next few months our relationship was very up and down. The highs were amazing! A trip to hawaii, romantic winter slowcoach in yellowstone national park she said was her best she's ever had, so many incredible memories that had me truthfully thinking about proposing to her. Things were going so well she actually applied to finish her schooling at the University of Utah to be closer to Idaho so I could move back home (she knew I didn't like southern california). The lows also became more frequent and her anger began to be directed at me occasionally instead of others. We had small issues we'd work through just fine, but then other issues just seem to really trigger her and would continue to trigger her if they were ever brought up. Anything from anywhere that had any mention or evidence of my ex (old netflix usernames, my siblings commenting on my ex's instagram, etc...) would cause things to go nuclear. I felt like I got a hold of most of that and did my very best to make things as stress free as possible.

When she moved out to Utah in August things finally started to go sour for real. I had a job in Idaho available and while I wanted to relocate to Salt Lake City, it wasn't an option until later this year (right around now). So for the months of September and October she was going to be living in Utah with a roommate at a house her dad bought her to go to school. I had 2-3 days off a week and over the last two months I have driven down to Utah 23 times to spend the day with her, compared to her driving up to my house 2 times. She would complain about my lack of effort and that she never gets to see me so I made very effort I could to be down there.She began to slowly stop communicating with the same "urgency" she did before. Often leaving my on "read" for hours at a time. She was busy at school and she communicated to me it was nothing personal which I was fine with. Over the last three months she's broken up with me or needed space 4 times. Usually it would last a few hours to 2 days maximum. Shed come back as if nothing had happened and I'd make even more of an effort to make her feel loved and happy. 

Two or three weeks ago I felt like we had a breakthrough, we had an amazing date and just seemed to be back to normal. We built a blanket fort and watched halloween movies and everything was perfect. Our sex was amazing (always had been) and the dream of our life together for me seemed back on track. The very next day though she had a friend pass away back home in san diego from a drug overdose. I'd never seen anyone react to death the way she did and I have been around a lot of it since childhood. I realize everyone gives differently but this was just a lot. I took off work for the next few days to make sure she wasn't alone before she flew back home. As she was finalizing plans she told me she would be staying with the guy I mentioned earlier in the post (the one who confessed his love) because she was having a huge blow up fight with her family (true, they had just recently cut her off financially) and din't have any girlfriends to stay with (also true). I was really uncomfortable but those three had been best friends and I wanted to be supportive. The night before she left she could tell I was upset and told me that we were together and that she loved me and that I needed to trust her and that nothing was going to happen between the two of them. I was appreciative of the gesture and tried my hardest to not make things be about me and just love and support her. She said she was going to stay at his house for two nights and then when her sister came back into town shed stay at her house the remaining nights.

Well long story short things were great for 5 of the 7 days she was gone. Shed face time once a day and cry and vent to me about how she was feeling. Shed always text me and tell me she loved me and I felt good. Her sister ended up not coming home so she stayed with this guy the whole time but she was very upfront and one about it which I appreciated.  On day 6 she hadn't called me or texted me so I called her, got no answer. I called again a couple hours later and it was like a switch had flipped. The grieving, sweet person I'd been talking to was now calloused and angry. I totally understand grief is up and downs but the anger was directed at me now. I could't figure it out and could not  understand. I drove down to salt lake after work the day she flew home to pick her up from the airport and the calloused attitude remained. She seemed grossed out by my presence, a complete 180 from just a day or two before. I got her to her house and we had a pretty good conversation until about 3 in the morning about death and the afterlife. I offered to sleep at my uncles house nearby to give her space but she insisted I sleep with her. We said I love you and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to her completely indifferent towards me. I was hoping to spend some time with her but she just kept rattling off everything she had to do that day (clearly didn't want me around). SO I got her favorite starbucks drink, told her I was always there for her and that I loved her. She leaned in for a kiss on the forehead and told me she loved me and I left.

Fast forward to that evening and we were snap chatting about the dinner we were each making and things seemed normal. She was happy and smiling. I called her and got no answer and she told me she was just talking to her roommate and shed call back. Five minutes later she calls and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and after spending the time in california she felt more like herself than she ever did with me. I was devastated but not completely surprised. I tried to get some answers or closure from her and after shed spoken her piece she had no interest in listening to me (common in a lot of our arguments). This time however, she almost immediately blocked me on my phone, instagram, snapchat, etc... which she has never done. She has A LOT of my stuff and my families stuff that is very valuable to me and she just completely cut off communication. She loathes distance relationships so I am having a hard time I've been replaced by the san diego guy although that's certainly how it looks. I am just devastated, I try calling her even though I know I'm blocked 50 times a day. I love her so much and after just barely discovering BPD I now feel even more connected to her. Everyones told me how lucky I am to have dodged the bullet, but I can't stop thinking about trying to help her from further destroying her life. She knows she has issues and was going to try and go to therapy soon, I just don't understand why I had to be cut off for this to happen. I gave 110% to this relationship and just want her to be okay. I am struggling so hard to make it each hour, I just want to talk to her and make this right. Is there anything I can do? I know If no contact continues she will NOT be reaching out. I'm just so devastated, this came out of nowhere in my mind and I am not okay, does anyone have any words of advice?

Thank you for your time and I'm sorry for the rambling.

[EYFGT]

Hey everyone, I've been lurking here a long time but finally want to share my story and ask for any help or consolation with what has easily been the most difficult thing in my life.

I suspect my now ex girlfriend has severe BPD. She is undiagnosed but hopefully after I share my story others can maybe provide me some insight. Anyways, I met this girl last summer (July) and we began seriously dating about a month (August) after being friends. We had both just gotten out of long term relationships. My previous relationship (marriage of 8 years) just fizzled out, hers ended (2 years) because her partner was very physically and emotionally abusive. I was completely out of my relationship before we started dating but her timeline was very cloudy. One time she'd tell me they had been broken up for a month before we started dating, other times I was told that I was the reason she was finally able to leave him. I didn't push the issue at the time because I was head over heels for this girl. She is 8 years my junior and was everything that my previous long term partner was not. She was insanely passionate, sexual, encouraging, and showered me with more love and compliments I thought I'd ever hear in my lifetime. She told me she loved me one week after dating and we told each other it every day until she left me last (red flag I know). My last relationship had been so dead I ignored any of these potential red flags and was 100% sure I'd found my once in a lifetime hollywood love. Because of the pandemic and things being shut down, we spent nearly all day every day together for months. I never got tired of her and had the life I'd always dreamed of. We had veery few if any arguments in the first couple of months and things were bliss. Slowly as things got closer to fall I began to see behaviors from her that I hadn't seen. Mainly, she suffered from extreme anxiety. On many different occasions usually at night she would get so anxious she would huddle up into a ball and tell me not to touch or speak with her until she had calmed down (usually 10-30 minutes). She had suffered multiple instances of sexual abuse as a child and young adult and grew up in a highly verbally and emotionally abusive household and I figured this was all in relation to that. She had confided in me multiple times she used to engage in reckless sex and drug use as a way to cope with her problems. I wanted to support her as best I could and slowly learned how to treat her best when these instances would arise. As we continued our relationship I began to see some of the very first cracks in the armor. First off, she had very few (less than 3) girlfriends and they were all recent friends. All of her girlfriends in the past had wronged her in some way and she would completely cut them off. I began to see an angry side of her that once I saw it once, she seemed to be comfortable continually showing it around me. None of this was directed at me, but she would get so violently angry at her girlfriends or others it shocked me. I grew up in a very safe home and had never heard anyone speak like she did to others consistently. By Halloween of last year, she had essentially nuked every girl friendship she had save one, who obviously made an effort to see her less and less. It was always their fault from my girlfriends eyes and she made zero effort to reconcile and immediately blocked them out of her life. It was also around this time that I had my first negative feelings towards the relationship in the form of ex boyfriends and hook ups entering the picture. We had been together 2-3 months by this point when I found a message from her ex boyfriend come through about how he had bought her a t shirt she had always wanted. I didn't think anything of it and figured it was a mistake because my girlfriend went on and on about how much she hated her ex. Well sure enough, a week or so later she came out of her house with the shirt on to go on a date. I was upset and confronted her about it, she confessed to him buying it and apologized. Her somber attitude only lasted about half an hour before I got a glimpse of a behavior I would encounter many times over in the next few months. In an instant she changed her attitude from that of remorse and sorrow to anger about how I'd even found out her ex bought her that shirt and why I didn't come forward sooner. I was stunned to feel at fault for this all the sudden and found myself apologizing but reinforcing why I felt bad. She got so upset she sent me home that night, I couldn't believe it.  Fast forward to Christmas time and she told me one week she was going to hang out with a guy friend. I always appreciated how upfront she was to me whenever something like this came upland I thanked her for telling me. Her and this guy friend had been friends for a long time and although it made me uncomfortable, I trusted her and didn't want to be controlling. Well she hung out with the guy and came home to complain about some of the creepy sexual comments he made towards her and how that evening he confessed his love to her which are her very uncomfortable. I didn't know how to quite deal with this so I tried to be as supportive as possible even though it made me very uncomfortable. A few days after that a mutual friend of ours informed me that this guy and her used to date off and on through high school. It made me mad because she made it seem like they were just old friends and there being a romantic relationship in the past changed things drastically for me. I confronted her about this and received the same reaction I did when I confronted her about the t shirt, real remorse followed by intense anger and sending me home for the night. The second time this happened I began to question my sanity, I couldn't believe how bad I felt over something I wasn't at fault for. Each time something like this happened we'd communicate (she was an exceptional communicator when she wanted to be), air out our differences and move on. I truthfully felt like each issue was handled in its entirety. As our relationship continued I fell head over heels for this girl. She told me shed accept if I proposed that day, told me shed never wanted kids before but now wanted a miniature version of me in her life, just so many things that made me so happy, We'd have small disagreements here and there where I felt she was being overly dramatic but I accepted these because I knew she'd been through so much. The first massive chink in the armor for me occurred this past april. I was informed my e father in law had passed away due to covid19 and I was devastated. I felt so bad for my ex wife and her poor family. I received this news around 7 in the morning while I was in bed with my girlfriend. I began to cry and my girlfriend woke up to console me. She was amazingly loving to me and told me she was there to support me, she offered to give me a little space and go get some breakfast and coffee for us. While she was out she texted me reaffirming messages telling me she loved me and was there for me. I showered and when she got back home, something had changed and she was completely different. Gone was the loving attitude and in its place was anger and indifference. After making it so painfully obvious I pressed her to see what was wrong, she exploded and told me I shouldn't care enough to cry about a family that I "divorced" and that my reaction proved I still loved my ex. I was completely shocked and tried to reassure her that was not the case at all and that I felt bad for the entire family, not solely my ex. That didn't work out at all and the fight lasted for two days before it didn't come up again.to this day I'd never seen such an ugly reaction from another human being. I was tempted to break things off then, but I again chalked it u to youth, and past trauma and tried hard to move on from this.

Once that anger was breached, over the next few months our relationship was very up and down. The highs were amazing! A trip to hawaii, romantic winter slowcoach in yellowstone national park she said was her best she's ever had, so many incredible memories that had me truthfully thinking about proposing to her. Things were going so well she actually applied to finish her schooling at the University of Utah to be closer to Idaho so I could move back home (she knew I didn't like southern california). The lows also became more frequent and her anger began to be directed at me occasionally instead of others. We had small issues we'd work through just fine, but then other issues just seem to really trigger her and would continue to trigger her if they were ever brought up. Anything from anywhere that had any mention or evidence of my ex (old netflix usernames, my siblings commenting on my ex's instagram, etc...) would cause things to go nuclear. I felt like I got a hold of most of that and did my very best to make things as stress free as possible.

When she moved out to Utah in August things finally started to go sour for real. I had a job in Idaho available and while I wanted to relocate to Salt Lake City, it wasn't an option until later this year (right around now). So for the months of September and October she was going to be living in Utah with a roommate at a house her dad bought her to go to school. I had 2-3 days off a week and over the last two months I have driven down to Utah 23 times to spend the day with her, compared to her driving up to my house 2 times. She would complain about my lack of effort and that she never gets to see me so I made very effort I could to be down there.She began to slowly stop communicating with the same "urgency" she did before. Often leaving my on "read" for hours at a time. She was busy at school and she communicated to me it was nothing personal which I was fine with. Over the last three months she's broken up with me or needed space 4 times. Usually it would last a few hours to 2 days maximum. Shed come back as if nothing had happened and I'd make even more of an effort to make her feel loved and happy. 

Two or three weeks ago I felt like we had a breakthrough, we had an amazing date and just seemed to be back to normal. We built a blanket fort and watched halloween movies and everything was perfect. Our sex was amazing (always had been) and the dream of our life together for me seemed back on track. The very next day though she had a friend pass away back home in san diego from a drug overdose. I'd never seen anyone react to death the way she did and I have been around a lot of it since childhood. I realize everyone gives differently but this was just a lot. I took off work for the next few days to make sure she wasn't alone before she flew back home. As she was finalizing plans she told me she would be staying with the guy I mentioned earlier in the post (the one who confessed his love) because she was having a huge blow up fight with her family (true, they had just recently cut her off financially) and din't have any girlfriends to stay with (also true). I was really uncomfortable but those three had been best friends and I wanted to be supportive. The night before she left she could tell I was upset and told me that we were together and that she loved me and that I needed to trust her and that nothing was going to happen between the two of them. I was appreciative of the gesture and tried my hardest to not make things be about me and just love and support her. She said she was going to stay at his house for two nights and then when her sister came back into town shed stay at her house the remaining nights.

Well long story short things were great for 5 of the 7 days she was gone. Shed face time once a day and cry and vent to me about how she was feeling. Shed always text me and tell me she loved me and I felt good. Her sister ended up not coming home so she stayed with this guy the whole time but she was very upfront and one about it which I appreciated.  On day 6 she hadn't called me or texted me so I called her, got no answer. I called again a couple hours later and it was like a switch had flipped. The grieving, sweet person I'd been talking to was now calloused and angry. I totally understand grief is up and downs but the anger was directed at me now. I could't figure it out and could not  understand. I drove down to salt lake after work the day she flew home to pick her up from the airport and the calloused attitude remained. She seemed grossed out by my presence, a complete 180 from just a day or two before. I got her to her house and we had a pretty good conversation until about 3 in the morning about death and the afterlife. I offered to sleep at my uncles house nearby to give her space but she insisted I sleep with her. We said I love you and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to her completely indifferent towards me. I was hoping to spend some time with her but she just kept rattling off everything she had to do that day (clearly didn't want me around). SO I got her favorite starbucks drink, told her I was always there for her and that I loved her. She leaned in for a kiss on the forehead and told me she loved me and I left.

Fast forward to that evening and we were snap chatting about the dinner we were each making and things seemed normal. She was happy and smiling. I called her and got no answer and she told me she was just talking to her roommate and shed call back. Five minutes later she calls and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and after spending the time in california she felt more like herself than she ever did with me. I was devastated but not completely surprised. I tried to get some answers or closure from her and after shed spoken her piece she had no interest in listening to me (common in a lot of our arguments). This time however, she almost immediately blocked me on my phone, instagram, snapchat, etc... which she has never done. She has A LOT of my stuff and my families stuff that is very valuable to me and she just completely cut off communication. She loathes distance relationships so I am having a hard time I've been replaced by the san diego guy although that's certainly how it looks. I am just devastated, I try calling her even though I know I'm blocked 50 times a day. I love her so much and after just barely discovering BPD I now feel even more connected to her. Everyones told me how lucky I am to have dodged the bullet, but I can't stop thinking about trying to help her from further destroying her life. She knows she has issues and was going to try and go to therapy soon, I just don't understand why I had to be cut off for this to happen. I gave 110% to this relationship and just want her to be okay. I am struggling so hard to make it each hour, I just want to talk to her and make this right. Is there anything I can do? I know If no contact continues she will NOT be reaching out. I'm just so devastated, this came out of nowhere in my mind and I am not okay, does anyone have any words of advice?

Thank you for your time and I'm sorry for the rambling.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve gotten an overview of how a borderline relationship evolves

You may wish for the idealization phase to return, as have most of us, but that occurs at the beginning and though you might see glimpses of it now and then, it will present with the other, not so pleasant side, should your relationship rekindle.

People with BPD (pwBPD) are the totality of their behavior, not just the *good side* and being in a successful relationship requires that we accept that fact.

Though therapy, particularly DBT, can be helpful, it requires a tremendous commitment on the part of the pwBPD, and more often than not, they refuse to follow through.

Yeah, great sex, intensity of love and support, all that is a good hook to get us into a relationship, often very quickly. But what they show at the beginning is only a fraction of their behavioral vocabulary once we become committed to them.

[EYFGT]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me it means the world. I just am struggling so hard with feeling like if I had acted differently or done this or that then we could have lived happily ever after. It’s all just so hard to sit and process

[Cat Familiar]

No, it’s not you, it’s her. 

[once removed]

in every relationship, we could have done better or acted differently. i know that i could.

thats not to say that every relationship is meant to last. it is to say there are invaluable lessons to be learned in every relationship failure. its also to say that if you want to reconcile this relationship, youre going to have to determine what was broken about it, how it/they can be fixed, if at all, and youre likely going to have to take the lead on that.

its hard, in this case. there isnt a great deal, proactively, that you can do. chasing her wont help, it will push her away, and if shes in a new relationship, you generally have to let that play out and stand or fall on its own.

[Cat Familiar]

Once Removed has given you great advice here. It’s far too easy for those of us who are caregivers or codependents to blame ourselves when a relationship fails. That’s not helpful. What is helpful is to take an analytical look at the structure of the relationship and the dynamics each partner contributed to its demise. Perhaps there was a way to mitigate the structural issues that led to its failure, or maybe there wasn’t.

In any event, pursuing her when she has clearly closed the door, will be counterproductive. On the other hand, you want her to return things that are meaningful to you.