On the nature of suffering

[rob66]

What do we learn from our suffering? We learn much, and hopefully through the process we  become our authentic selves. We have the capacity to overcome, to endure, to transform to love, and, ultimately, to become greater than our suffering. As I am emerging from the deep pain of this breakup, I feel like I am becoming a more complete person. I thought I was before, but the lessons I am learning now, the growth I am experiencing, I realize that I was not yet complete. I mean, we are all constantly in a state of adjustment, are we not? If we have the capacity to suffer so deeply, then are we not deeper souls? I would rather have a soul like an ocean, rather than one like a puddle.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibrand

"Truth is everyone is going to hurt you; you just have to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

[Turkish]

Deep dive here? Good topic.

I had a chance to cut it off when my ex and I were still "friend-dating," yet I didn't, despite my instincts telling me to: no real hurt or suffering.

I had another chance when she dumped me while living together, and she said I could live with her in her room (a shared 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate) until I found a place, major push-pull and confusing. I had another choice, entirely within my power then... embarrassing at that point, but recoverable.

Almost 4 years later, she left me for a guy 10 years her junior and 20 years mine, a college football jock, a bouncer she met at a club while I was at home watching our babies. It was many months until she moved out while leading a double life. Yes, I suffered emotionally. So did the kids.

What did I learn? I learned later that my mother had BPD (she admitted it to me after my ex left), so I didn't know what I didn't know. No one knows what they don't know.

I also learned that if I had made my first choice to rebuff her push-pull while friend dating, that I might not have learned anything.

I learned that suffering can lead to knowledge, but only if you're open to both learning and doing a deep dive into yourself. What do you (or anyone here) think?

[SinisterComplex]

Deep dive here? Good topic.

I had a chance to cut it off when my ex and I were still "friend-dating," yet I didn't, despite my instincts telling me to: no real hurt or suffering.

I had another chance when she dumped me while living together, and she said I could live with her in her room (a shared 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate) until I found a place, major push-pull and confusing. I had another choice, entirely within my power then... embarrassing at that point, but recoverable.

Almost 4 years later, she left me for a guy 10 years her junior and 20 years mine, a college football jock, a bouncer she met at a club while I was at home watching our babies. It was many months until she moved out while leading a double life. Yes, I suffered emotionally. So did the kids.

What did I learn? I learned later that my mother had BPD (she admitted it to me after my ex left), so I didn't know what I didn't know. No one knows what they don't know.

I also learned that if I had made my first choice to rebuff her push-pull while friend dating, that I might not have learned anything.

I learned that suffering can lead to knowledge, but only if you're open to both learning and doing a deep dive into yourself. What do you (or anyone here) think?

Turkish...one of the more powerful motto's I go by is "Through Adversity There is Redemption." It is the title of a song, but the meaning behind it is powerful and a strong motivator. You have to be willing to kick your own $$ and drop the pride and ego when you have been hurt so you can learn and then grow. In essence just relating to you here and I will say I agree.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rob66]

Yes, Turkish, we must be open to learning from our suffering. The growth we experience from life's challenges is painful, but living in pain is not a waste of time if we accept that there are lessons to be learned from that pain. The thing I am focusing on learning more, rather than focusing on myself and how I can avoid another relationship like this, is how to extend my compassion to others. Those of us who know pain, are more likely to extend our hand to others.

[grumpydonut]

a bouncer she met at a club while I was at home watching our babies.

Sorry you had to experience that, Turkish. The betrayal is painful.

[Turkish]

Sorry you had to experience that, Turkish. The betrayal is painful.

Thanks gd. He initially called me Mr. Turkish [my surname], which was obsequious, but also amusing. He did OK with my kids, but my ex didn't with him such that I later felt sorry for him. Way worse than I got.

[poppy2]

I agree this is a great topic to bring up Robb, and the compassionate way you write about suffering here is touching.

Personally, I think of suffering more as a roulette wheel... once the ball has landed, and your number is called, then you need to make sense of what it has done to you. But I don't think I've 'needed' to suffer, only because then I would think things were all in my hands... and they weren't.

I have learnt from suffering because it forced me to, but that doesn't mean suffering had anything to teach me. I've suffered some things which were pointless, wrong place wrong time... I've suffered some things in relationships that were purely the cruelty or selfishness of another person, like a transfer of their trauma into me. And I've also suffered some things that I've really learnt from, including from traumatic relarionships.

I agree that there is a way out, that finding that path is the most meaningful task. And that doesn't come without accepting what happened (which can take a long time). But I am also finding a lot of strength in dis-engaging the 'me' who I want to be from the 'me' who has lived certain experiences. What I'm trying to say is finding 'me' again has meant and still means separating from suffering, too.

But this isn't meant as a rebuttal, rather an different angle on this kaleidoscopic issue.