Emotional rollercoaster. Will they come back ?

[Dancinglondoner]

Hi all. Been a reader  here for a year or so.
I met my ex in 2017 , whom I didn’t know had BPD. I didn’t know what hit me.
We were friends for 2 years and then in a relationship for a year.
I used my savings to help this woman, spent hundreds of  hours driving all over the UK to see her as she was about 100miles from me. All whilst running a business and  co parenting my son (from a previous relationship).

She was such a lovely person during that time. I can see what people mean when they say love bombing. And being a favourite person.
Then We had a misunderstanding a few months ago, she then met some bloke off a dating app in that time whom she’s now made her new favourite person, although she hardly knows him.
I tried to mend the misunderstanding yet she says she’s happy and doesn’t want contact. Threatened police involvement out of the blue if I saw her in person again.
So I had to admit defeat.
I just don’t understand how someone can delete years of such deep friendship and a relationship. The kind where you text eachother all day every day.
She even talked about marrying me.

I suppose I want to know if she’ll ever come back? Do I write her a letter and just say I’m here for her if and when she’s ready or does that make them pull away more ?

I don’t know why I want her back given she’s been so awful in the past week.
Love is weird.
Thanks to anyone that replies / or read this. I’m just in so much pain right now and I don’t know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Dancer, I  just wanted to offer support and say I’m thinking of you. I was married with a baby once my wife properly discarded me for the first time, and I’ve not wanted to leave because of the family (now we have two babies). Even though she said for a long time she wanted me gone. But if I could have got out of the relationship sooner, I would have done. I am just now learning that bpd is a permanent emotional disability and immaturity. I am learning to better communicate with my wife, but I understand that it will always be hard work, and the responsibility is all on me. To be honest I have been in committed relationships all my adult life, and I crave being on my own and being able to develop myself as a person. I wish you all the best, please make the most of your time being single (and I don’t mean like casual flings or whatever, I mean, being able to do what you want when you want to). And then, when you do get in a relationship, whether it’s with your ex or not, do everything you can to protect your independence and your right to choose how you spend your time. I am only just learning this now in my 40’s and it’s very hard as I’m enmeshed with my bpd wife and I no longer want to be codependent but I’m working hard to try and fix our relationship alone. I am thinking of you.

[Dancinglondoner]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Yeah I didn’t realise till recently it’s a real disorder that isn’t something they can just “stop”.
The game playing used to drive me up the wall. But I don’t know if she’d ever come back now, and that’s what I can’t get over I suppose.
I hope you and your little one are okay

[thankful person]

Hi again,
I used to tell people that I only ever got over previous relationships when I met someone else. Like my first boyfriend, I thought about him every day for two years and only got over him when I met my new boyfriend, and so on. Of course, this was codependent talking, tbh I even liked the word “codependent”. When I met my wife it was even harder. I left my boyfriend of 14 years for her. It was the first time I had ever left anyone, so I’m only now starting to get over him seven years later, and that’s because from what I’ve learnt here, I’m remembering that actually things weren’t as perfect as I thought, and maybe it’s time to forgive myself for breaking his heart. I like intense emotions and relationships, I think that’s ingrained in some people. But try to make sure you don’t lose yourself, as I realise I very much have done: And remember, if she doesn’t want to be with you, then she’s not good enough for you.

[babyducks]

Hello Dancinglonder,

welcome,  I am glad you took the brave step to post.    I always found the simple act of writing my thoughts out helped me to organize them.

I just don’t understand how someone can delete years of such deep friendship and a relationship. The kind where you text each other all day every day.
She even talked about marrying me.

It's called Splitting and it is very very hard to understand.   It is also hard to cope with emotionally.   people with BPD (pwBPD) have a  mental illness.   BPD exists on a spectrum, or a scale of what we could say is very serious not functional to mild, not diagnosable.  These symptoms can wax and wane over time and with stress.    Splitting is a symptom.   Splitting is a coping defense mechanism people with BPD use to avoid rejection or being hurt.     If you dive into the deep psychology of it, why it happens and how it happens... well that is complicated... there are multiple theories and scholarly studies having to do with object constancy and projective identification.    The point for today is,.. its not you.    Its the way your partner processes the events and emotions of life through the filter of her illness.    The way her brain works she sees  a representational reality: you and other people, are perceived as either all good or allbad. There’s no middle ground, nor a fixed position.

I suppose I want to know if she’ll ever come back? Do I write her a letter and just say I’m here for her if and when she’s ready or does that make them pull away more ?

This is a question that gets asked a lot.     there isn't really a simple easy answer.     pwBPD are still people, with all the complexities we all have.    there is no way to accurately predict what she will do.   and no way to say what she won't do.   pwBPD are known to be impulsive.    usually in ways that are harmful.     the general advice is if she asked for time and space to respect that.   don't cross her boundaries.     be aware that it takes a pwBPD longer to return to emotional baseline than someone without BPD.     if she threatened police involvement for contacting her please take that seriously.    there are many stories here of relationship conflict escalating into violence when boundaries are pushed. 

what you can do is continue to post here, to work on your understanding of what really happened in the relationship so that if she returns you are better equipped to communicate.

I don’t know why I want her back given she’s been so awful in the past week.
Love is weird.
Thanks to anyone that replies / or read this. I’m just in so much pain right now and I don’t know what to do.

These are not ordinary relationships we find ourselves in.    These are not the simple or garden variety relationships we might be used too.     Typically they are extremely more intense.    Ordinarily they create a different and more difficult emotional bond.     Often, very often, we end up in these relationships because there is some emotional match to the disordered person.    That's why it feels like such a perfect fit.    Their intense needs match some intense need of our own and when that severs we feel deeply wounded.    It not an accident that we pick these partners,   we tend to 'fit' with them in ways that are not sustainable.

what do you think?    does that make sense with what you are experiencing?

'ducks

[Dancinglondoner]

Hi BabyDucks
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Yeah I figured it’s best not to push things just in case she is serious about police.
I know exactly what you mean. We’re both overly emotional, and I have been diagnosed with emotional disregulation and hypersexuality. The latter she also has. And I think that’s why we worked.
I just don’t have BPD so didn’t know a lot about it till I met her

[Dancinglondoner]

Broken Person,
Yes I’m the same. You only tend to move on when someone else    Helps you focus on them instead. Which I realise is codependency and probably not healthy. Just have no idea how to fix it sadly.

[NotAHero]

Welcome to the forms. I noticed that you posted in the reversing a break up forms so you are mainly looking for an answer to if she will come back.

 First you have to understand the mechanics of BPD. The discard and emotional amnesia are related to the “here and now” child like underdeveloped coping skills. Basically the new guy is now being worshiped and idolized. Doesn’t matter if he is a good guy or twisted abuser, it’s honeymoon phase. You are now split and viewed as evil. This has nothing to do with you and all to do with her and the disorder.

 Now will she come back? Once the honeymoon phase with the new guy ends she will start devalueing him. If he turns out to be a caretaker the relationship will last for some time. If he ends it - most people do- then it can go one of two ways.

1- She will attach herself to a new host and repeat the cycle

2- She will look for familiarity and comfort, possibly you. Not because of any healthy reason, just a complex yet primitive reasoning of the BPD. Could be ego or control - to have you again whenever she likes type. If you really want to increase the likelihood of the 2nd outcome you can simply end contact with her with a simple message of how glad you are that she is happy now and stop contact after that. One day out of the blue you will hear from her.

 One question to ask yourself though, is that what you really want for yourself ?

 Only you can answer that question.

[Dancinglondoner]

Hi NotAHero

Thanks for the reply. Yes I suspect the guy is there because of how easy she was to seduce sex wise.
I feel numb at the moment tbh.

[once removed]

I feel numb at the moment tbh.

how are you feeling now? any update?

[Dancinglondoner]

Once removed - Not that great. I wrote her a letter and she’s asked I don’t contact her again and called the police. So I’ve stopped contact as it was her wish.
She’s got a new replacement that is using her for sex, which ticks her validation boxes I suppose.
I miss her. And I want to know if she’ll reach out in the future  But I’m also angry with myself because she’s been a complete a-h*le after everything we’ve been through and that I’ve done for her over 4 years, so I shouldn’t want her back.

[babyducks]

I'm sorry that played out that way for you Dancing.     I am sure it was an unpleasant experience.     How do you know she called the police?    Did they contact you in some way?   Regardless if you received some notice from officials there is really no other choice now but to leave her alone as she requested.    and that has to leave some uncomfortable emotions for you to cope with.

I miss her. And I want to know if she’ll reach out in the future  But I’m also angry with myself because she’s been a complete a-h*le after everything we’ve been through and that I’ve done for her over 4 years, so I shouldn’t want her back.

I understand.    I was in the same place for a long time.    and to be honest,  every once and a while I have a flicker of missing her.     she was a vastly important part of my life for a long time.    its natural to miss her.     it is confounding because so much of the relationship was painful.       these are not normal relationships.     the attachments we form tend to be much deeper, more intense and usually touch on some of our own deepest core wounds.     which makes the  severing of the relationship so exquisitely painful for us.

some people compare these relationships to addictions.    instinctively we know these are not healthy relationships,  and indeed might not even be available to us, but the craving is undeniable.    I am never wildly crazy about that comparison.    It does touch a little on the obsessive nature of the relationship and on the chemical  storm going on inside of us.    but I think it falls short of describing the psychological complexity of how we are tied into our partners.    why we chose them.     and why we want them back despite the abusive treatment.   

I would encourage you to keep posting.   on whatever board you choose, as much as you are able.     the simple act of writing you thoughts out will help ease them, and help you move past them.

'ducks