Objectivation and object consistency/permanence

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

Today, I read through some posts and articles from the BPDFamily website that I had saved to better understand the condition. In particular, I read about PWBPD’s issues with object consistency here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

And it reminded me of some odd particularities that my ex had with object permanence (I know these concepts are different, but they are obviously related). For example, she would always scatter her things and papers in plain sight around the house. She also hated drawers and closed cabinets, she preferred open shelves. She said that it was because if she doesn’t see things, they disappear in her mind. And I remember once starting to play peek-a-boo while fooling around with her, and she said that it strangely made her feel extremely happy... And she asked me several times to play peek-a-boo again after that.

The post also links to a text by a physician (J. G. Gunderson) that talks about 3 different levels of emotions found in PWBPD (in a nutshell):
- when a "major object" is present and supportive, the depressive-bored-lonely features predominate;
- when a "major object" is frustrating, the angry, devaluative, manipulative features predominate;
- when a "major object" is absent, the psychotic-panic-impulsive features predominate;

I know all of those features really well, having lived 15 years with a uPWBPD. I have tried to fit this model to my story and it kind of makes sense. Before she cheated on me, she was clearly in a depressive state. She frequently said that she felt like and empty shell, that she had no real "self". And she also said multiple times that she cheated on me because she needed to feel alive. At that time, she also decided to break off all contact with her father, who she said was abusive. So major lack of a major object... and possibly impulsive adultery. When I discovered her affair, I wanted reparation, explanations, excuses, etc. I was frustrating and she got angry, devaluative and manipulative.

But the thing is, despite their initial affair only lasting about a month, her lover quickly became another major object. And when I kicked her out of the house (well gently asked her to leave whenever she’s ready, rather) and disappeared from her sight, I think I rapidly became a rather minor object (she got back with her ex-lover as soon as she left the house). Despite everything that we lived together, it is crazy to me. But I guess it is just what I was to her: an object. A sort of security blanket.

I do believe that she misses me sometimes, given the fact that she takes any opportunity she gets to email or text me. Or maybe it is just frustrating to her that I want to forget about her, and she just won’t let that happen. I don’t know. I don’t care.

Intriguingly, the fact that I was mostly an object to her feels kind of comforting. It means that she didn’t prefer someone else over me (someone I consider to be rather sh!tty, I have to admit), she just needed another object. Any one would do.

And if Gunderson’s right, I also means that I was indeed present and supportive, despite what she says. Maybe I’m not that bad at taking care of my loved ones.

I’m slowly getting out of the FOG.

[BKDamon]

Hi everyone,

Today, I read through some posts and articles from the BPDFamily website that I had saved to better understand the condition. In particular, I read about PWBPD’s issues with object consistency here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

And it reminded me of some odd particularities that my ex had with object permanence (I know these concepts are different, but they are obviously related). For example, she would always scatter her things and papers in plain sight around the house. She also hated drawers and closed cabinets, she preferred open shelves. She said that it was because if she doesn’t see things, they disappear in her mind. And I remember once starting to play peek-a-boo while fooling around with her, and she said that it strangely made her feel extremely happy... And she asked me several times to play peek-a-boo again after that.

The post also links to a text by a physician (J. G. Gunderson) that talks about 3 different levels of emotions found in PWBPD (in a nutshell):
- when a "major object" is present and supportive, the depressive-bored-lonely features predominate;
- when a "major object" is frustrating, the angry, devaluative, manipulative features predominate;
- when a "major object" is absent, the psychotic-panic-impulsive features predominate;

I know all of those features really well, having lived 15 years with a uPWBPD. I have tried to fit this model to my story and it kind of makes sense. Before she cheated on me, she was clearly in a depressive state. She frequently said that she felt like and empty shell, that she had no real "self". And she also said multiple times that she cheated on me because she needed to feel alive. At that time, she also decided to break off all contact with her father, who she said was abusive. So major lack of a major object... and possibly impulsive adultery. When I discovered her affair, I wanted reparation, explanations, excuses, etc. I was frustrating and she got angry, devaluative and manipulative.

But the thing is, despite their initial affair only lasting about a month, her lover quickly became another major object. And when I kicked her out of the house (well gently asked her to leave whenever she’s ready, rather) and disappeared from her sight, I think I rapidly became a rather minor object (she got back with her ex-lover as soon as she left the house). Despite everything that we lived together, it is crazy to me. But I guess it is just what I was to her: an object. A sort of security blanket.

I do believe that she misses me sometimes, given the fact that she takes any opportunity she gets to email or text me. Or maybe it is just frustrating to her that I want to forget about her, and she just won’t let that happen. I don’t know. I don’t care.

Intriguingly, the fact that I was mostly an object to her feels kind of comforting. It means that she didn’t prefer someone else over me (someone I consider to be rather sh!tty, I have to admit), she just needed another object. Any one would do.

And if Gunderson’s right, I also means that I was indeed present and supportive, despite what she says. Maybe I’m not that bad at taking care of my loved ones.

I’m slowly getting out of the FOG.

[poppy2]

Hi Bkdamon,

Thanks for sharing this, it was helpful for me to re-read it. I think what makes detaching from these relarionships so difficult is exactly that difference in object permanence, in which we can be 'traded' or 'here today gone tomorrow' for the pwBPD, whereas they are - or were at least for me - a real and constant person the whole time.

I find it hard to accept that I was only a 'part time good' for somebody else, just because it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of that, so it was helpful to have the reminder. I had only a 10 month relarionship (but still invested a lot in it) so didn't really get to see the cycles play out, as it might do in a 15 year relationship.

Best wishes

[Ad Meliora]

The post also links to a text by a physician (J. G. Gunderson) that talks about 3 different levels of emotions found in PWBPD (in a nutshell):
- when a "major object" is present and supportive, the depressive-bored-lonely features predominate;
- when a "major object" is frustrating, the angry, devaluative, manipulative features predominate;
- when a "major object" is absent, the psychotic-panic-impulsive features predominate;

I spent a lot of time with my BPDex in the Level II arena.  I constantly frustrated her and she, like clockwork, engaged in those behaviors.  It was "out of sight, out of mind" with her too on the object permanence as well.  All the more confusing.

I've described several examples where my ex would reside in the Level I state too.  I'd go over and we'd have regular (boring) night with dinner and Netflix. Three hours into the evening she'd disappear and start playing Candy Crush on her phone as if she was bored with me already. 

As for Level III, I can only imagine the psychotic episodes, but I would guess they showed up too, and maybe are now?  She seemed such a textbook case reflecting on it, but I had no idea what BPD really was.  I just muddled through like most of us on this board.