How to support the child of my BPD sibling

[daisies]

Hi everyone,

My sibling is diagnosed BPD. I am low contact with him, we don't get along and I am not the focus of his negative emotions caused by his BPD. As the title suggests though, he has a child, who is 18 months old.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can be a positive, supporting influence to this child without causing major drama? I am already seeing some harmful behaviors, and while I'm under no illusion I can protect the child from this I was hoping I could at least be some sort of positive influence.  Has anyone tried to do this for their niece/nephew? Can anyone point me in the direction of resources on how to support the child of a BPD parent?

Any thoughts/experiences ?

[zachira]

I am the daughter of a BPD mother. I can't tell you how many people have made big differences in my life, including aunts and uncles, by treating me with kindness. I have so many memories of people who were often not close to my parents just taking a few minutes to be kind to me. I also remember the distressed look on the faces of others when I was abused by my mother. It warms my heart to know you care so much about your brother's child and want to help this child. Try to learn as much as you can about what creates secure attachment in children that allows them to be secure adults who are able to have healthy marriages and be good parents to their children. If you would like, I can recommend some books for you to read on raising children. It is key to remember that quality time spent with your brother's child in which you bond with him/her will be the most important and not to worry that you can't be with him/her as much as you would like.

[Notwendy]

My father's family made a huge difference for me. I think they were in a similar situation, without having much input where BPD mom was in control. One thing they did do was have us visit during school breaks. Having us home all day was a stressor for BPD mother so they had us stay with them.

As an adult, I thanked my father's sister for all she did for me. She looked puzzled-and said she "wished she did more" . What she meant was, she didn't think she did anything extraordinary because, she did what came naturally to her- being a caring person. However, what was "normal" to her was huge. It showed me what "normal" is.

If you stay involved with the child, and offer to have the child come stay with you at times as the child grows, don't underestimate that "normal" can have an impact. Even little things. Growing up, we had fun with our cousins, and while we were good kids in general- kids are kids. Even feeling safe enough to "misbehave" was huge. We didn't dare upset BPD mother, but my father's family would gently intervene - like parents should, while any small transgression was the crime of the century to BPD mom.

They were also role models for us. Yes, there were fun things we did too. However, don't be concerned you need to be the "Disneyland" type aunt. Regular daily experiences with a loving adult are fine.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi daisies, 

Welcome to our online family!

I agree with what zachira and Notwendy have shared and would definitely encourage a strong connection with your brother's child. Indeed, being 'normal' and 'healthy' will speak volumes. I would also emphasize that being a safe person, just by being normal and healthy, will be a great refuge for this child. Being available to them and staying connected will be a huge blessing.

Thank you for wanting to be a part of this child's life.

Wools

[missing NC]

Hi daisies,

The good news is that studies of children in tumultuous homes show they can do well if they have an outside concerned adult in their corner. 

I have not looked at them, but I am aware of a few books for children with BPD parents such as The Weather House: Living with a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder and An Umbrella for Alex.  If your brother has been formally diagnosed and the topic is openly discussed, it may be worth checking them out. 

More important, it would not be a bad idea for you to take a class on communicating with a pwBPD - if you are interested in doing so. I understand that you are not a target of your brother's ire now but I know how that can change. Consequently, it would be supportive for you to have some communication tools available for a variety of contingencies. 

Last, it would helpful to build a warm relationship with the child's mother in case the parents split up.  It will be important that she is able to differentiate you from your brother. 

I admire both your thoughtfulness and wisdom in thinking through how to support your niece or nephew through such a challenging situation.