Needing support

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was in a 2 year relationship which I can say was the most wonderful yet the most intense relationship of my life. I have been a single mom for ten years and have two teenage boys. I met my ex through a friend and he was recently divorced. He had two kids the same age as mine. From the start, everything just worked. The boys instantly got along and within a few months, they had moved in with me. Their mom took off to California so they had no involvement with her. But by the end of 6 months, they were referring to me as mom. We were all extremely close and I was so excited after all my past relationship struggles that at 41, I had finally found where I belonged. After about 9 months, I began to notice some odd traits in my ex. He didn’t like when I went out with friends without him. He started getting angry at small things. His son reflected that he used to have big anger outbursts all the time. However, my ex claimed he had changed. At about ten months, he got irritated that my suitcase was on his side of the bed after we got home from a trip and he packed up his kids and left. He called the next day and said he was sorry, within a week they were back. I could tell something was off and insisted he get therapy, which he started. A few months later, we got into an argument over my asking him to visit with a friend who was going through a hard time and he packed his kids up and took off again. By the next day, he wanted to come back again. I made him wait two weeks. He now was diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety and severe depression. He was on medication and going to therapy. It helped and his moods stabilized. We were together 24/7 because of Covid and we were so incredibly close, I can’t describe how much I loved him. Last April, we got engaged. He wanted to get married right away but I pushed the wedding date out to make sure he could maintain his therapy and more stable moods. By may, he started having anger outbursts again and decided to stop his meds for anxiety because he didn’t like taking them. I went on a weekend girls trip and he blew up at me for going. He said I didn’t know how close he was to leaving. By mid summer, his moods were all over with the kids and myself. He would take a walk  when he got mad- therapists suggestion but it was literally like watching a 2 year old have a temper tantrum. It’s crazy because he has a very high level
Management job and functions so well there. 

Every October, I have a girls trip to Orlando. I cleared it with him 6 months ago but the closer it came, the more on edge he was. Two days before I left, my son got in trouble at school. I have split custody with my ex husband so I called him to meet with the teacher. My ex fiancé got very angry that I didn’t coordinate and take him to the school instead. I tried to keep my feelings about his immaturity to myself but I really could have used his emotional support because of what my son was going through. 15 min before I left for the airport for my trip, he asked if we were ok. I responded not really because I had really needed his support and he wasn’t there for me. He responded he wanted to be but couldn’t because I put him on the back of the coparenting bus. I told him that is where he needed to be sometimes, and I tried to explain that I have 50/50 custody but he said he was done talking to me. We said goodbye and I went on my trip and came back to an empty house- no note, no phone call, nothing to my kids or myself. I had no opportunity to say goodbye to his kids who called me mom and I had been raising for two years. To say both my kids and I were beyond devastated doesn’t begin to cover it. I sent him a text and an email but he never responded. I heard two weeks later, he had moved to Florida and was posting pictures with other women. He had been saying a few days before our trip how I was his sole mate, I was the only person on his life who ever gave him unconditional love, and how he was the luckiest man in the world to have found my sons and I. We had just bought our first wedding decoration. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I feel totally lost without him- no closure, no understanding. He had an abusive  childhood and through research, I’m 99 percent sure he has bpd and my leaving triggered his abandonment issues but I had no idea at the time. I keep wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Has anyone else been through anything so horrible? Any advice on how to move forward? I’m trying to hold it together for my kids but I cry all night in my sleep, I miss him so badly. I feel like my friends don’t get it- they are all married and home with their husbands so it’s easy for them to say well, better that it happened now instead of years from now. I would trade almost anything for another year. Aside from the anger outbursts, he was wonderful l. I just feel lost.

[Scarlet P.]

I was in a 2 year relationship which I can say was the most wonderful yet the most intense relationship of my life. I have been a single mom for ten years and have two teenage boys. I met my ex through a friend and he was recently divorced. He had two kids the same age as mine. From the start, everything just worked. The boys instantly got along and within a few months, they had moved in with me. Their mom took off to California so they had no involvement with her. But by the end of 6 months, they were referring to me as mom. We were all extremely close and I was so excited after all my past relationship struggles that at 41, I had finally found where I belonged. After about 9 months, I began to notice some odd traits in my ex. He didn’t like when I went out with friends without him. He started getting angry at small things. His son reflected that he used to have big anger outbursts all the time. However, my ex claimed he had changed. At about ten months, he got irritated that my suitcase was on his side of the bed after we got home from a trip and he packed up his kids and left. He called the next day and said he was sorry, within a week they were back. I could tell something was off and insisted he get therapy, which he started. A few months later, we got into an argument over my asking him to visit with a friend who was going through a hard time and he packed his kids up and took off again. By the next day, he wanted to come back again. I made him wait two weeks. He now was diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety and severe depression. He was on medication and going to therapy. It helped and his moods stabilized. We were together 24/7 because of Covid and we were so incredibly close, I can’t describe how much I loved him. Last April, we got engaged. He wanted to get married right away but I pushed the wedding date out to make sure he could maintain his therapy and more stable moods. By may, he started having anger outbursts again and decided to stop his meds for anxiety because he didn’t like taking them. I went on a weekend girls trip and he blew up at me for going. He said I didn’t know how close he was to leaving. By mid summer, his moods were all over with the kids and myself. He would take a walk  when he got mad- therapists suggestion but it was literally like watching a 2 year old have a temper tantrum. It’s crazy because he has a very high level
Management job and functions so well there. 

Every October, I have a girls trip to Orlando. I cleared it with him 6 months ago but the closer it came, the more on edge he was. Two days before I left, my son got in trouble at school. I have split custody with my ex husband so I called him to meet with the teacher. My ex fiancé got very angry that I didn’t coordinate and take him to the school instead. I tried to keep my feelings about his immaturity to myself but I really could have used his emotional support because of what my son was going through. 15 min before I left for the airport for my trip, he asked if we were ok. I responded not really because I had really needed his support and he wasn’t there for me. He responded he wanted to be but couldn’t because I put him on the back of the coparenting bus. I told him that is where he needed to be sometimes, and I tried to explain that I have 50/50 custody but he said he was done talking to me. We said goodbye and I went on my trip and came back to an empty house- no note, no phone call, nothing to my kids or myself. I had no opportunity to say goodbye to his kids who called me mom and I had been raising for two years. To say both my kids and I were beyond devastated doesn’t begin to cover it. I sent him a text and an email but he never responded. I heard two weeks later, he had moved to Florida and was posting pictures with other women. He had been saying a few days before our trip how I was his sole mate, I was the only person on his life who ever gave him unconditional love, and how he was the luckiest man in the world to have found my sons and I. We had just bought our first wedding decoration. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I feel totally lost without him- no closure, no understanding. He had an abusive  childhood and through research, I’m 99 percent sure he has bpd and my leaving triggered his abandonment issues but I had no idea at the time. I keep wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Has anyone else been through anything so horrible? Any advice on how to move forward? I’m trying to hold it together for my kids but I cry all night in my sleep, I miss him so badly. I feel like my friends don’t get it- they are all married and home with their husbands so it’s easy for them to say well, better that it happened now instead of years from now. I would trade almost anything for another year. Aside from the anger outbursts, he was wonderful l. I just feel lost.

[Cant breathe]

Welcome to this board. I am so sorry about what you are going through, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Your story is so much like the ones you will read on this site. There are many people here who have been through this and will provide guidance and kind words. I am nearly three months out myself and am feeling stronger, thanks to the people on this board and my therapist. Welcome. And, I'm sorry.

[Ad Meliora]

Has anyone else been through anything so horrible?

Welcome Scarlet P., and to answer your question.  Yes, pretty much everyone here on the forum has.

Check out the Tools section, and Trauma Bonding and read the stories of others.  Search "Final Discard" in the threads if you want to get some real doozies.  Start with Can't Breathe's story.

Misery loves company, there is plenty here if that is what you seek.  Once the shock wears off and even before, you'll want to take care of yourself and take stock in what you do have now.  You'll likely start to question why you didn't see the red flags sooner and wonder what got you hooked up with a guy like this in the first place.  Natural responses, and how you cope with it all will depend on you.  Therapy is a good place to start, but sharing your story here is good too if you are willing to keep participating.

[rob66]

Scarlet, I am so sorry this happened. I, we, understand your pain. It's very similar to my story. Our separate families were close to each other and getting closer. My daughter was very fond of my exBPD gf's sons, as was I. Then one day without much of an explanation, and with a lot of trouble articulating what the reasons actually were, she dumped me. The confusion is what hurts most. It's nebulous, and our minds ache, search, grasp for anything that will help us understand what happened. Researching this disorder is the best thing I did for myself because it allowed me to understand what happened. This site has been extremely helpful, as well. There is so much information on this site that offers insightful analysis, and so many stories (including yours) that are similar to what happened to me. It's surprising how indistinguishable, in a general sense, our stories are.

You're right. Friends won't understand exactly what happened. That's why this site is so valuable.

I do know one thing, and this thing made a huge difference in helping me move on - my ex hurt my daughter. The last thing she ever told my daughter was "I love you." The next day, she discarded us, and this really saddened my daughter, which I could not stand seeing. It's not worth it to be with someone who will hurt you, or your children. The best thing to do is move on.

We all go through our own process in detaching. I'm a little more than two months out, and after much research and connecting the dots, I am so much better. Knowing how much effort it would take to keep someone with BPD just at baseline is a huge deterrent for me. It hurts now, yes. Allow yourself to go through the process of grieving - it's much like grieving a death. Stay strong, reflect on your feelings, and on the relationship, and, really, on how it would not have worked the way you envisioned. That much is certain. Though not the only resource, this site is excellent, and valuable in helping you recover. 

[Scarlet P.]

Thank you for responding. I will say that is the one thing that kept me from calling my ex after he left- I was so angry that he hurt my children (and his own for that matter- they have reached out to mine a few times through Facebook after the breakup and they are are confused as the rest of us were. He told them I just wasn’t treating him right but they commented to my son everything seemed to be going great and then they just left). I read just breathe’s post and it does help to know there are others out there.

The frustrating thing for me is that my mom was bpd. After my marriage, which was to a mentally healthy man and we are still friends, I attracted two long term relationships with narcissists. I worked hard and spent close to 2 years alone doing therapy, self improvement, Melanie tonia Evans work, and developing my own life and hobbies. I was doing great and thought I had then attracted someone healthy. All my friends loved him too. That is why it’s so incredibly frustrating to be back here in the same place again, especially since I did so much work before this relationship and it genuinely did seem great for the majority of it.

[Ad Meliora]

I worked hard and spent close to 2 years alone doing therapy, self improvement, Melanie tonia Evans work, and developing my own life and hobbies. I was doing great and thought I had then attracted someone healthy. All my friends loved him too. That is why it’s so incredibly frustrating to be back here in the same place again, especially since I did so much work before this relationship and it genuinely did seem great for the majority of it.

First off, let's get you some credit for the self-work you put in.  Good job.  I feel like you, Scarlet P.  I was duped, hood-winked, tricked, fooled and I'm still not sure exactly how it happened.  That's part of the frustration with being in a r/s with someone with BPD.  I was clipping along good, thought I was complete and grounded.  This lady came along and seemed so genuinely interesting and a close match to what I would think could be an ideal relationship, but BOOM, it was a disaster.  The signs were there all along.  I let her in, and she got around my defenses wrecking havoc on my self-esteem and self-concept.

It's a front that they clearly believe and are good at presenting, it's also one they can't sustain and before long the cracks are revealed.  Our love hormones begin to wear off and we start seeing things for how they really are and not our own idealized version.  I mean, is it a great fit to be abandoned when you come back from a pre-planned trip?  Cleared out without warning a note? Your friends liking him, does that help fix the hurt he's caused you and your kids?

The behaviors all manifest differently, but taking off and disappearing without warning or regard for you is a common one.  My BPDex liked to disappear and ghost me all the time.  After the split I wrote her a 3 page letter asking what was the deal?  Nothing, 15 months and nothing.  I didn't know about BPD, I didn't know people could be like this.  It's a fairly clear-cut condition when broken down.  There's no fixing it without significant behavioral therapy.  The pwBPD usually doesn't want it "fixed" as they don't ever see themselves as having a problem, it's everybody else, and the closer you are to them, the more likely it's YOU that's the problem.

You're a parent and have your children and yourself to care for as well.  There's no reason to continue to be a caretaker of this man-baby who took off on you.  I know it's hard now, but you'll be better off in the long run with him out of your life.  All that work you put in on yourself can come to the forefront again.

[rob66]

You're a parent and have your children and yourself to care for as well.  There's no reason to continue to be a caretaker of this man-baby who took off on you.  I know it's hard now, but you'll be better off in the long run with him out of your life.  All that work you put in on yourself can come to the forefront again.

I completely agree. Remember the movie Shawshank Redemption? Andy Dufresne crawled though a half-mile of sh*t and came out the other side a new person, free of his unjust prison. That is a perfect metaphor. Unfortunately, we all have to crawl, but we're better for it after. It's a cliche, but it's true.

Out there, in this big marvelous world, there are better partners for each one of us and our families. Be resolute until you no longer have to be.

[rob66]

Ok, I'm still figuring out this highlighting thing.

[Ad Meliora]

Ok, I'm still figuring out this highlighting thing.

You're doing fine. It was under FAQ's, I'm having trouble finding it.  Here's the link in the help topics.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56733.0

Shawshank Redemption = good movie.  It's probably a good metaphor as he had to spend a long time in prison if I remember right.

[Scarlet P.]

Thank you both and there is not much I can say except you are right. My brain knows that, I just have to get my heart to catch up. But I will say even just these few days on this forum have been very helpful. I hate that anyone else went through this but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in it.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you both and there is not much I can say except you are right. My brain knows that, I just have to get my heart to catch up. But I will say even just these few days on this forum have been very helpful. I hate that anyone else went through this but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in it.

Your heart will get there. There is a time and place for the all too infamous the heart wants what the wants and follow your heart and all that stuff. In a situation like this and what you have experienced though there will never be a time and place for letting the heart rule your head. You have to drive yourself to ignore your heart and override so you can adapt and overcome.

Yes, easier said than done. However, once you get the hang of it and you can consistently choose yourself first it will become much easier and it will much healthier for you.

You picked a great community and family to be a part of here. Continue to post and let us help you on your journey.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rob66]

Scarlett, as time passes, please let us know how you are doing. I care.