How do I protect?

[Momma72]

I've recently had the ah ha moment of what's going on with my son and his GF... Incase you haven't read my REALLY LONG post LOL I suspect both of them are Narcissistic Him an Overt and her a Covert. Anyhoo, over the course of the last 2 years the GF has basically discarded my family (She's seen all of us twice this year)  and my son has recently discarded me from his life but still remains in contact with his dad and his sister. His dad knows my suspicions so he is already being guarded.. however, I want to tell my daughter to guard herself and her family but I'm afraid she wont believe my discoveries. Basically, casting them off as if I'm overreacting.

So my question is would you attempt to have the conversation with your other adult child about what your suspicions are and supply them with research and documentation? Obviously as a momma my first instinct is to protect those you love but in the same token I don't want to destroy or possibly destroy what still remains intact if that makes sense...

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Momma-

I’ve read through all of your posts and I am so sorry for the pain, confusion and fear that you’re feeling.  All of your feelings are completely understandable.

I hope I’m not too late in responding to your question here.  My opinion is I would say nothing to your beloved daughter regarding your suspicions about your son and his GF’s Narcissism.  Nothing.

My reasons for this is that at this point your son’s behavior is between you and him.  You don’t want to “triangulate” by bringing in your daughter.  This can potentially make you the “bad guy”; and WILL make a situation that still CAN perhaps be pretty easily healed into something that could easily explode in your face.  So please think about this further.

Momma.., I was in two long-term relationships with very narcissistic men (both co-morbid with BPD) - my exH and my exBF.  Both had very very fragile egos.

So yes, the upcoming holidays ARE going to be tricky.  All holidays and any celebrations are tricky when disordered individuals are part of the mix.  But if you wish to discuss ways to attempt to mend what’s recently taken place with your son, we can do that.  It does involve changing how you approach your son.  He *IS* that fragile... or “weak”, was the term I preferred to use, as my exes were much more advanced in age.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[By Still Water]

Hi Momma72,
     I'm thinking like Gemsforeyes is: saying something might come back to bite you. If it gets back to your son and his GF, they'll feel justified in worsening treatment of you.  I know how tempting it is to say something, though.

[Momma72]

Thanks for the responses Gemsforeyes & Still Water - You're responses are exactly what I was pretty sure was going to be said. It is hard especially since I'm the person that shields everyone else away from harm being inflicted onto them.. and while I understand doing nothing is "Shielding" them I feel like I'm not shielding them all because I know what's happening and can see what's going to happen in the future.. Fortunately, I have a very understanding husband so he's already guarding himself a bit.. I still encourage his relationship with my son but my husband has begun to see things in a different light now that he's slowly beginning to understand what's been happening. It's hard for someone that hasn't been cast out to get the full scope of how terrible and horrible this situation is but he does see what I see just doesn't feel the hurt like I do. None the less I will refrain from doing the what the old self would do which is attempt to "Stop the infliction of hurt" before or maybe I should say if or when it should occur since both my husband and my daughter are part of their supply well at least my son's .. I believe my daughter and husband have been cast out by the GF awhile ago just no one has seen but myself as she hasn't contacted either of them in quite sometime.

Thanks again.

[Momma72]

Hi Momma-

I’ve read through all of your posts and I am so sorry for the pain, confusion and fear that you’re feeling.  All of your feelings are completely understandable.

I hope I’m not too late in responding to your question here.  My opinion is I would say nothing to your beloved daughter regarding your suspicions about your son and his GF’s Narcissism.  Nothing.

My reasons for this is that at this point your son’s behavior is between you and him.  You don’t want to “triangulate” by bringing in your daughter.  This can potentially make you the “bad guy”; and WILL make a situation that still CAN perhaps be pretty easily healed into something that could easily explode in your face.  So please think about this further.

Momma.., I was in two long-term relationships with very narcissistic men (both co-morbid with BPD) - my exH and my exBF.  Both had very very fragile egos.

So yes, the upcoming holidays ARE going to be tricky.  All holidays and any celebrations are tricky when disordered individuals are part of the mix.  But if you wish to discuss ways to attempt to mend what’s recently taken place with your son, we can do that.  It does involve changing how you approach your son.  He *IS* that fragile... or “weak”, was the term I preferred to use, as my exes were much more advanced in age.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I am Open to any suggestions there are to possibly saving my relationship with my son. However, due to the emotional hurt he has inflicted upon me I have a wall that's larger then the great wall of China so, I'm not real sure how confident I'll be while trying to save the relationship. But I'm certainly open to options and opinions.

Thanks!