I desperately need help

[Sitting in the d]

 

I've been in a relationship with my BPD partner on and off for 8 years. We're currently looking distance!

Recently, things have got really bad.

She's drinking all the time, having sex with up to 2 men a night, talks about killing herself frequently, cries uncontrollably and is beginning to dissociate. This has been escalating for the last 7 weeks.

2 days ago we agreed she's stop the messing around and within 24 hours it happened again.

I told her that I need a break so I have time to heal because I'm now sleeping under 4 hours every night (last night no sleep at all), anxiety is through the roof, I can't concentrate on anything and frankly I've started drinking daily as well.

Now she's in a fit and threatening to cut herself or jump off the balcony.

Please help. I don't know what to do

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Flossy]

Call the police and tell them she is threatening to harm herself.

That is a normal reaction to someone who threatens self-harm. Living with a pwBPD has brainwashed you into not reacting normally to her madness.

She will be taken to a mental health ward for assessment.

Move out.

That's the best help I can give you. Take it. I wish you well. Save yourself before your life is destroyed. Your conditions are unacceptable.

[thankful person]

Hi sitting, I do believe flossy has given you the best advice. I went through a very dark time with my wife during our first couple of years together. And then I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer which is very unusual, especially as I was under 40. Some people may disagree, but I put this down to stress and lack of sleep. Please look after your own needs too.

[bugwaterguy]

That sounds extremely painful to deal with - know that many people are here for you.

As tough as this sounds - you cannot control her - or even convince her of anything.  Her brain is in panic mode and won't listen to logic.

I would set a clear boundary with her (I know this is hard) and say anytime she threatens suicide, you will immediately call 911.

And then every single time she makes that threat - you call 911 for help.  Do this right away - and every time.  Don't make any decision on whether she is serious.  The police might get annoyed with you, and that is ok. 

You need help too - get support from friends who you can talk to at any time. 

[Sitting in the d]

Thank you all for the advice.

We managed to calm down and she explained everything that had happened. It was full on borderline behaviour and it was really awful.

I feel really afraid for her.

I started therapy about 4 weeks ago because everything had become so completely unmanageable for me as well as for her.

I can see her trying to hold it all together but everything she does is so erratic.

I'm not looking to control her, just help her to not hurt herself.

I'm also really finding setting boundaries really difficult because the response is so extreme.

Any ideas?

[bugwaterguy]

What extreme behaviors do you wish to set boundaries on? 

[Sitting in the d]

Alcohol

Sex with strangers

Self harm

[Cat Familiar]

Boundaries are for you, not her. The three things you’ve listed: alcohol, sex with strangers, self harm, are things she’s doing.

How you could create boundaries for yourself about these behaviors is by removing yourself, temporarily or permanently, when those behaviors occur.

You cannot control her with boundaries. Boundaries are for keeping you safe from the harm a partner could inflict upon you through their own behavior.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[bugwaterguy]

I agree with Cat Familiar.

Boundaries are about what you will do.

For example - If you are consuming alcohol, I will go to my friends house for the night. (you need to have this lined up first)

Or

If you threaten self-harm, I will immediately call 911.

Are you living together?  Do you have kids?  That might affect what boundaries you set.

[Sitting in the d]

Maybe I was unclear.

The behaviours that push me to a point that I cannot cope are the three I listed.

Having said that, I struggle to prioritise myself, particularly when I am receiving messages threatening self harm.

I think I'm getting better at it and then... I'm right back where I started, putting myself last and her first

[Cat Familiar]

I think you were clear. You were hoping that there is a way through setting boundaries to stop her from abusing alcohol, having random sex, and threatening self harm.

There isn’t.

All you can do is take care of yourself, your physical and emotional needs.

She is going to do what she is going to do. Period.

[Sitting in the d]

So there is no way to help and I should only help myself?

[Cat Familiar]

I wish there was an easy way I could suggest for you to help her. Unfortunately it seems that you can only help people who will accept help.

I, too, wanted so badly to change my ex husband’s behavior: repeated infidelity, physical violence, drug abuse, illegal activities, financial irresponsibility, etc.

He would occasionally have remorse for his bad deeds, but then do it all over again.

You’re dealing with a serious mental illness. It’s not like she’s going to have an epiphany and suddenly change her ways.

She may stop doing those things at some point, but it has to be her decision to do so.

The best you can do is to take care of yourself and if her behavior is causing you too much distress, distance yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

formflier posted this video elsewhere. I thought it was applicable to your situation.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBKo9_P9SmM

[Sitting in the d]

Thank you.

The advice is totally not what I want. But it's 100% what I need. Very bitter pill to take

[Sitting in the d]

She did it again today and... Following the advice from this forum and Reddit, I said goodbye.

It's been 8 years. I'm so tired and hurt.

I didn't want to give up on her but I can't anymore.

I'm sorry my love.

[ILMBPDC]

She did it again today and... Following the advice from this forum and Reddit, I said goodbye.

It's been 8 years. I'm so tired and hurt.

I didn't want to give up on her but I can't anymore.

I'm sorry my love.

I am proud of you. You took the first step in healing.
I know its hard but the first lesson is that you cannot change another person - you can only change yourself. If she is not willing to see her issues and make an effort to rectify her own behavior, there is nothing you can do. Nothing.

Think about it - if you tried to tell her she was mentally ill how would that go?  Are you going to try and have her committed to an institution?  How would she react?  Are you going to police her every move? That makes you a stalker. 

I know you want to help - I am the same way - but trying to fix someone is a mark of codependency. It might be time for a hard look into your own patterns - I highly recommend therapy, if you aren't already going. Find out why you put up with her mistreatment of you for 8 years. Find out why you put yourself second. Learn that you are not responsible for another adult's decisions. (can you tell I've been going to therapy?)

See a therapist, maintain no contact and let time heal you. That is the best advice I have.