I believe my Mother has BPD, here to learn how to deal with her

[Depression = 72% of members]

     I in a 43 year old daughter of a woman who I believe has BPD.  I first heard this term from her 3rd husband right before they started their divorce.  He sent me a phone text on research he had done and believed my mom has BPD, and thought it may help us deal with her, as he was done dealing with her antics.  This was about 7 years ago. 

     I am here to educate myself, see if I can learn techniques to help me manage my feelings, thoughts, and emotions connected to my mother.  I am her first daughter from her first husband.  They were Married at 18 and 20 years old, I was born 5 years into the marriage.  It ended in divorce when I was 18 months old.  My mother was raised my an alcoholic father and her 75 year old grandmother.  She was abandoned by her mother at the age of 5, as her mother had to leave the toxic relationship of abuse physically and from my alcoholic grandfather, but she never came back to get my mom and uncle.  My mother and her brother (5 years older than her) were not really provided for emotionally or physically growing up.  She reconnected with her mom at at 16 through the red cross.   My mother had several toxic relationship's with men after her divorce from my father, then married my stepdad when I was 5 and he legally adopted me at 8.  I was then raised in a house with them and had siblings through that marriage when I was  8, and then 10 my brother and sister came along.  There were good memories I have of that marriage and bad ones as well, as my stepdad was a functioning alcoholic and my mom controlling, emotionally needy, and emotionally unstable.  I believe I became my moms only lifeline, confidant, friend, and fill in spouse for what she was not receive from my step father. Once I was out of my mothers house and married my husband, I saw how toxic and unhealthy my mother was.  She divorced my step Dad after 20 years of marriage, when I was 28 and a mother of my first child.  My half brother was 20 and my half sister was 18.  She immediately got into another relationship with an "old fling'" from her teenage years ( who was also a functioning alcoholic).  Moved into an apartment with him and got engaged and married within 2 years.  They were married for several years until their toxic relationship had taken its course and they parted ways.  My relationship  with my mother has been very stressed over the years.  When she is in a relationship she emotionally checks herself out as a mother/grandmother and isn't really around.  The moment things go bad, she is right back to being very needy of myself and my siblings emotional support, love, and guidance.  She is now in a 5 year relationship with her boyfriend who is a year younger than me.  They have been living together for about 3 years and she has since retired (he is 43 no children never been married, she is 65).  Now that she is retired she is back to wanting to have a relationship that she hasn't ever really tried to have with us.  My sister ( who is expecting her first child) is having a hard time because my mom is trying to have this relationship with her that she doesn't want now that my sister is about to become a mom.  We both feel that its too little too late  for this relationship, she is searching for something that she hears her friends talk about with their adult children and grandchildren.   My sister and I are very close and always depend on each other through the years where our mother had shortcomings.  The jealousy our mother has for our relationship is exhausting.  My husband and myself have filled in as the role of mother and father to my sister through the years.  She lived with us for three years  after our mother and my stepdad got divorced when she was 18.  She moved out of our house and moved in with to her  husband.   My step dad isn't emotionally available.  He was there and provided for us as a father/stepfather, but we didn't received the emotional things we needed from a father figure.  Our brother lives our of State ( 10 hours away) he has a stressed relationship with our mother and father as well but he is definitely a mamas boy and has a way better relationship with our mother than myself and my sister.  He was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety 6 years ago, our childhood stress and our moms toxic behavior was a factor to his disorder.  He is married to a woman from our area, and they moved South together to live and work. 

     I'm here to get clarity as to how to handle my emotions and my sisters as we struggle with not wanting this relationship our mother wants with us.  I want to learn how to or deal with and move past the guilt of "this is our mother, we should treat her with respect, love her, and give her the time she wants ." Any guidance I would greatly appreciate.  It makes me incredible sad as I am a mother of 2 girls 18, and 16 and I cannot imagine myself having this kind of relationship with them.  I also feel no need to have any kind of relationship that my mom fanaticizes in her head at this time.  Some guidance as to my feeling and thoughts would be welcomed.  Am I an asshole as my mom makes me feel, because  I don't want this relationship in my life. I feel like I am being too hard on her and should just give in at times.  Every time I feel tender towards her and feel bad for her, she does something that puts me RIGHT BACK to these feelings.  Is this BPD?  I'm happy to share more, but thought this was a start.

[Nikmtay]

     I in a 43 year old daughter of a woman who I believe has BPD.  I first heard this term from her 3rd husband right before they started their divorce.  He sent me a phone text on research he had done and believed my mom has BPD, and thought it may help us deal with her, as he was done dealing with her antics.  This was about 7 years ago. 

     I am here to educate myself, see if I can learn techniques to help me manage my feelings, thoughts, and emotions connected to my mother.  I am her first daughter from her first husband.  They were Married at 18 and 20 years old, I was born 5 years into the marriage.  It ended in divorce when I was 18 months old.  My mother was raised my an alcoholic father and her 75 year old grandmother.  She was abandoned by her mother at the age of 5, as her mother had to leave the toxic relationship of abuse physically and from my alcoholic grandfather, but she never came back to get my mom and uncle.  My mother and her brother (5 years older than her) were not really provided for emotionally or physically growing up.  She reconnected with her mom at at 16 through the red cross.   My mother had several toxic relationship's with men after her divorce from my father, then married my stepdad when I was 5 and he legally adopted me at 8.  I was then raised in a house with them and had siblings through that marriage when I was  8, and then 10 my brother and sister came along.  There were good memories I have of that marriage and bad ones as well, as my stepdad was a functioning alcoholic and my mom controlling, emotionally needy, and emotionally unstable.  I believe I became my moms only lifeline, confidant, friend, and fill in spouse for what she was not receive from my step father. Once I was out of my mothers house and married my husband, I saw how toxic and unhealthy my mother was.  She divorced my step Dad after 20 years of marriage, when I was 28 and a mother of my first child.  My half brother was 20 and my half sister was 18.  She immediately got into another relationship with an "old fling'" from her teenage years ( who was also a functioning alcoholic).  Moved into an apartment with him and got engaged and married within 2 years.  They were married for several years until their toxic relationship had taken its course and they parted ways.  My relationship  with my mother has been very stressed over the years.  When she is in a relationship she emotionally checks herself out as a mother/grandmother and isn't really around.  The moment things go bad, she is right back to being very needy of myself and my siblings emotional support, love, and guidance.  She is now in a 5 year relationship with her boyfriend who is a year younger than me.  They have been living together for about 3 years and she has since retired (he is 43 no children never been married, she is 65).  Now that she is retired she is back to wanting to have a relationship that she hasn't ever really tried to have with us.  My sister ( who is expecting her first child) is having a hard time because my mom is trying to have this relationship with her that she doesn't want now that my sister is about to become a mom.  We both feel that its too little too late  for this relationship, she is searching for something that she hears her friends talk about with their adult children and grandchildren.   My sister and I are very close and always depend on each other through the years where our mother had shortcomings.  The jealousy our mother has for our relationship is exhausting.  My husband and myself have filled in as the role of mother and father to my sister through the years.  She lived with us for three years  after our mother and my stepdad got divorced when she was 18.  She moved out of our house and moved in with to her  husband.   My step dad isn't emotionally available.  He was there and provided for us as a father/stepfather, but we didn't received the emotional things we needed from a father figure.  Our brother lives our of State ( 10 hours away) he has a stressed relationship with our mother and father as well but he is definitely a mamas boy and has a way better relationship with our mother than myself and my sister.  He was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety 6 years ago, our childhood stress and our moms toxic behavior was a factor to his disorder.  He is married to a woman from our area, and they moved South together to live and work. 

     I'm here to get clarity as to how to handle my emotions and my sisters as we struggle with not wanting this relationship our mother wants with us.  I want to learn how to or deal with and move past the guilt of "this is our mother, we should treat her with respect, love her, and give her the time she wants ." Any guidance I would greatly appreciate.  It makes me incredible sad as I am a mother of 2 girls 18, and 16 and I cannot imagine myself having this kind of relationship with them.  I also feel no need to have any kind of relationship that my mom fanaticizes in her head at this time.  Some guidance as to my feeling and thoughts would be welcomed.  Am I an asshole as my mom makes me feel, because  I don't want this relationship in my life. I feel like I am being too hard on her and should just give in at times.  Every time I feel tender towards her and feel bad for her, she does something that puts me RIGHT BACK to these feelings.  Is this BPD?  I'm happy to share more, but thought this was a start.

[beatricex]

hi Nikmtay,
Welcome, I'm glad you found this site. 

Something which is very hard for adult daughters of BPD mothers (I think) is reconciling that we don't really want a relationship with our mothers.

They're super focused on themself, checked out, "users."  We are just extensions of them, there are no great conversations, no real gratitude...it all feels like an obligation, not something we really choose to participate in.   It goes with the BPD disease...

Have you thought about if you were just a friend to your mom, would you keep her, or pass on that?

I think it's great that your sister and you are close.  Totally get the BPD jealous mom thing.  ugh
b

[eaglestar]

there are no great conversations, no real gratitude...it all feels like an obligation, not something we really choose to participate in.   It goes with the BPD disease...

Have you thought about if you were just a friend to your mom, would you keep her, or pass on that?

This is exactly how I feel in my own relationship with my mother. I want to have a wonderful, meaningful son / mother relationship with her but I don't think she has ever actually given me that.

If she was a random person from church or work and these were our interactions, I would conclude that she has some kind of mental problem and I would maintain a healthy distance, while still being cordial. It never occurred to me to frame it like that.  Thank you, beatricex

[Couscous]

Welcome Nikmtay,

It sounds like we had the same mother! ;-) Good on you for waking up about her at such a young age.

I think you might find the book Mothers who Cannot Love to be just what you’re looking for to help you sort through the confusing feelings you have and to help you address any unfinished business you may still have with your mother.

[Nikmtay]

Wow Beatricex,
     That is a profound thing you just put.  I sent to my sister and we are  blown away, that yes if she was a friend we would have passed a LONG time ago on that relationship.  The obligation is just so hard to leave, and then I feel like I have neglected her just as her mother and father did to her as a child.  It's the constant back and forth in my thoughts of feeling like a bad daughter and not being respectful that she is my mother.  You hear people say all the time how could someone not be nice, or respectful, or loving "its your mother".  I think people either see us as ungrateful daughters and will say " my daughters would never talk to me like that, or my daughters would never do that to me"  they respect me.  Those same people also don't know how into herself she always is, how she has disconnected herself from us when she is "occupied" with the company of a man.  As soon as her needs aren't met my her "person"  she comes back to us expecting us to treat her like a Queen and respect her, and treat her like the mom that we know she isn't.  She has never been the grandma to my kids that the other grandma/and step grandma's are to my kids and she's Very jealous of them.  She is the reason why they don't really know her or like to be around her, but she blames it on me.  She will say I'm the one who doesn't call her to come over or invite her to the grandkids games, but all the other grandparents, aunts and uncles are after me always asking for schedules, and dates so they can be a part of whatever my kids are participating in. Am I wrong my not sending out every date, schedule, and game to her?  When everyone else in our family is active in asking for it?   

[beatricex]

Hi again Nikmtay,

You said that you wanted to learn to deal with and move past your guilt...also that you would greatly appreciate any advice...

I can only speak from my personal experience, and it is that I have a mother with BPD, and I also now have an adult step daughter who I strongly suspect is BPD (we are cut off from her grandkids).  That is a few generations of BPD, and yes I think I choose this, and I also choose to come here and experience it with others, because it is all I know.

What has worked for me is trying out different voices.  You know, that voice in your head that directs you?  It was my mother's voice for a long time.  It told me who I should be, what to say, how to act.  Slowly...slowly I've been replacing that voice in my head with my genuine self, my authentic self, who I want to be.  Cause we do get to choose, you know?  BTW, my true self says "Screw her!"  and I aint even sad about it.  She also never raised me to say "aint" but hell, I'm not tied to her or her beliefs, so let's try that out.  why not?  aint aint aint.  she aint gettin to me.  hell. 

I listen closely to others who seem to have more sucess than I, and I try to hear their voices.  I have the benefit of being a step parent now, so I like to think I can't have my old mommy issues, I need to be strong for the next generation of b's.  Hell time is running out and I aint got no time to be wasting.  Sheesh, my mom wouldn't even recognize this me...

I remember things that others here say, like:
I wanted to know what calm and peaceful felt like ...turns out, I like that feeling...
(this is from the Have you Stopped Enabling your BPD Child..., from livednlearned, who is retired staff).

Sometimes I just go back and reread threads I like and I try out the voices I hear.  What would I sound like if I sounded like them?  Well, grounded.  Better.  Stronger.  And my BPD mother probably wouldn't even recognize me!  And, I guess when I can measure my progress in thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about my self, then I will say "I made it."

I do try to worry less about who said what when... disecting every event...rehashing every stupid move on the part of my BPDs and other family members, and just make some goals for myself everyday, like "I will help someone less fortunate."   A lot of times I realize, "hey that's me, I am less fortunate."  I think a good goal, and if you journal you will know about setting goals, is to move in the right direction (nothing earth shattering or hard about that, I'm just going to start moving differently) and it starts with having compassion for ourselves on this journey.

b

[Couscous]

I would most definitely not associate with my mother if she was not related me, yet thus far I have found it all but impossible to completely disengage.

But I think that I have finally figured out why this is, and I don’t think it’s only because of fear, obligation and guilt. I suspect that it’s because I haven’t given up on the fantasy that my mother is one day going to meet my unmet childhood needs, and I am not sure if I will not be able to put that fantasy to rest until I have done at least some amount of reparenting of my inner child. Once I no longer want anything from her I will be in a much better place to decide how much contact I want to have with her that feels good to me.

[eaglestar]

thus far I have found it all but impossible to completely disengage.

But I think that I have finally figured out why this is, and I don’t think it’s only because of fear, obligation and guilt. I suspect that it’s because I haven’t given up on the fantasy that my mother is one day going to meet my unmet childhood needs

Yes. This is exactly where I'm at as well. To the letter! I'm oscillating between "I've had enough of this drama, I'm too busy for this" and "maybe if I lay low it'll blow over and our relationship will improve."

At the moment, I don't even know what my "inner child" needs and it feels silly to type that sentence-- my ego is saying "you're a fully grown man, get over yourself."

[Couscous]

eaglestar,

You might like Patrick Teahan's channel on YouTube. He has some good stuff about inner child work, plus lots of other great content which I have found really helpful, and his role plays are really interesting to watch.