Do pwBPD genuinely feel emotional pain?

[Couscous]

After observing how my BPD brother showed no emotional reaction that I could detect after the breakdown of his latest relationship, and then realizing that this has been the pattern with all of his exes, it occurred to me that this was not at all congruent with his usual MO. I now have serious doubts that any of his many displays of emotional pain that he has expressed in other contexts, have actually been genuine.

I have always viewed my brother as a legit victim after having being the family scapegoat, and subsequently having a difficult life, and I have always, thanks to my bleeding heart, fallen for his tales of mistreatment and woe. This resulted in me, effectively, enabling him, by way of sympathizing with him for his plight. But I am really beginning to feel that his “woe is me” act, has always been just that, an act. And I now I feel like I’ve been a real sucker and am feeling pretty angry about it.

I am also finding myself feeling pretty angry about how much I was able to be manipulated by my mother’s own “woe is me” routine, and into acting as her “codependent agent”, where she would draw me into fighting her battles for her against my siblings. She once “confessed” (boasted) to me that she does this with my brothers too, and that she believed it was why our relationships are so strained. She told me that she knows it’s wrong, but that she just can’t help herself. She wasn’t remorseful at all. She told me that they were “defending her honor”, so to speak, which to her meant that they loved her.

[HappyChappy]

After observing how my BPD brother showed no emotional reaction that I could detect after the breakdown of his latest relationship...

...I am also finding myself feeling pretty angry about how much I was able to be manipulated by my mother’s own “woe is me” routine, and into acting as her “codependent agent”, where she would draw me into fighting her battles for her against my siblings.

I'm guessing you know about triangulation, and understanding helped me deal with the anger towards other family members. You have every right to feel angry, it also one of the steps towards acceptance, just keep trucking in the right direction, it's all good.

As a side note about your brother, a defining symptom of BPD is a fear of abandonment. Someone suffering from CPTSD can display many BPD like symptoms but most importantly doesn’t have the a fear of abandonment. The scape goated child is the most likely to suffer from CPTSD, as they technically take the brunt of the blame/abuse. Hence they are more likely to “act up” etc...

What roll did your mother assign you in triangulation ? Do you think your brother may share similar anger and resentment ? Isn't that exactly what triangulation sets up to do, so both your reactions are understandable, as expected ? What do you think ?

[Couscous]

Yeah, it’s definitely possible that my brother has Cptsd with very strong narcissistic tendencies if not full blown NPD, and not BPD/NPD, especially considering that his first girlfriend had a BPD diagnosis.

My mother has done an excellent job of undermining our sibling relationships, and the anger and resentment is taken out on other siblings. None is directed towards my mother. They don’t see the triangulation and they jump at the opportunity to “bond” with her at the expense of their sibling relationships. I suppose all we have are trauma bonds with each other. It’s very sad.

[Goosey]

All I witnessed was her pain in the end. Now mind you I was the target of the abuse and such but I can still just see her standing there after a rage while I sat stolid thru it and she would just break down into tears and I would ask to hug her and she would allow it for about two minutes then throw me out screaming and throwing sh-t around.
    Ya they feel pain. Their pain,  feel nothing for our pain.
   That’s it really. I miss her.  It I won’t say “terribly” anymore.
    I lived her pain. I was the focus of her pain. I tried to understand and help with her pain. Impossible to help  when being accused of causing all this pain.
  Awful thing to go through. Wish her the best. Ashamed I devalued my self to a level during it.
   No contact.
She knows I am out of her spell…. Today… and why do I say and think “never again”.
   The whirlwind I lived seems to take a long time to basically deprogram from.  And I’m doing it. No big trick. Just the passing of time.
  I think they feel pain a thousand cuts more then me.
I can’t help. I tried.
Impossible situations.

[HappyChappy]

My mother has done an excellent job of undermining our sibling relationships, and the anger and resentment is taken out on other siblings. None is directed towards my mother.

That's why they triangulate and compare, it serves the BPD incredibly well. Clever stuff really. They abuses the fact all children yearn for a close relationships to their mother first and foremost. Still, we've survived and thrived, so well done us (I'm practising self love ). Maybe in time you'll become closer to your siblings, I've often read this happens after the BPD dies.

[Couscous]

Maybe in time you'll become closer to your siblings, I've often read this happens after the BPD dies.

Cool! Only about 30 years to wait then! 

[Turkish]

This might help to understand BPD better.

FAQ: How it feels to have BPD

[Couscous]

Thanks Turkish.

I’m beginning to think that my relatives have stronger narcissistic tendencies than they do borderline. There definitely appears to be abandonment fear and there is a lot of neediness, but I think they tend to function more in NPD mode in everyday life. As such, any displays of emotional pain are likely insincere and are purely for purposes of manipulation, and they have always felt insincere to me. I have no doubt they are in pain deep down inside, but I just don’t think they are in touch with it. 

I suppose the reason I asked the question is probably because I’m trying to find reasons to not feel guilty for having to basically divorce my family. I’m still concerned that it will hurt their feelings when I do.

[Turkish]

When she was still living with us, but we were done, I asked my ex what went through her mind when she raged or got angry. She replied, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

There's that desire to feel validated or worthy...

I think that all members here on this board feel that guilt about emotional cut-off. We do have tools that can help pinned to the top of the board. Yet we can all relate to that guilt, "but she's your mother!" Or "they're your family!"

Are you ready to do the cut-off, or just step back for a bit for your own mental health?

[Couscous]

Are you ready to do the cut-off, or just step back for a bit for your own mental health?

I’m gradually getting accustomed to this heretical idea that I have needs and that my needs matter too. After a lifetime of subjugating my needs, and essentially not being permitted to have any, once I can really believe that my needs matter, I will have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Notwendy]

I think my BPD mother feels her own emotional pain but can't locate the source of it. She sees it as something external to her being done to her.

I have also seen her completely poker face- showing no emotion at all at something sad. Mostly this appears to be lack of empathy. I don't think she has empathy. She also isn't affectionate. If she acts like she cares, she's acting.

He emotions are self centered. She sometimes doesn't seem to be aware of the effects of what she says or does to others- and then sometimes it's deliberate- she does hurtful things on purpose but doesn't seem impacted when she sees others are hurt.

She, and several of her family members, learn towards narcissistic traits.