Lonely Child/Vulnerable Child Schema

[Ad Meliora]

If people have more insights into this or think it warrants further discussion of a topic of it's own (which I think possibly it does) here's the place.

I think it's another tool in the toolbox, so to speak.  To better understanding of the r/s we had.   Of course the "understanding child" want's to understand...right?

As a tool it may not explain everything.  Kinda like the weatherman here at 45 degrees north latitude.  It was supposed to be calm weather all week, and in the 40's today.  Instead, a snowstorm blew in, its 30 degrees with a 20 mph wind making it feel like 15 degrees F!

Point being, they have elaborate tools now to try and predict and explain the weather.  More so than any other time.  Often, they miss the mark.  Mother Nature is like the individual psyche, dynamic and unpredictable, at times.

Here's the link, particularly look at 2010's take on the "Lonely Child"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

[rob66]

Man, who is 2010? His insights into the union of a lonely child with an abandoned child are so incredibly accurate and intelligent. He wrote as if he were a well-known psychologist. Really amazing stuff.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Rob66, I don’t know the answer to your question, I’m sure someone does. I agree with you though.

As I read through 2010’s post I keep going back to this part of how we try to understand our BPDex and their impulsive actions and outbursts.  We try to project that “aura of grace, compassion and understanding” basically Love, and the borderline can’t keep up with that in their mirroring.  They can’t handle our questions of “What’s wrong?  How can I help?…” as we try to understand.  They don’t have that basis of compassion and love inside of them. They suddenly feel smoothered and the “engulfment failure” takes over as described.

I experienced this over and over.  I just wonder why she even wanted to stay in the r/s.  I guess that is answered too:  she didn’t want to be abandoned/alone.  It’s like we’re speaking two completely different languages (of love) and even if we have a working knowledge of the Arabic (for example) they’re using a dialect that is so specific to them there’s no cipher for us to understand what’s going on.  We being the “understanding child” are going to keep doing what we do, they being the “abandoned child” are going to keep acting the way they do in our presence—it’s doomed for failure.  We go around in circles and circles and there is no way to resolve it in the relationship.  Etch-A-Sketch mind-girl certainly isn’t going to get at the root of it, so now you’re stuck.  Really stuck when so deeply in love and now attached to them.  It makes me have a great deal of sympathy for the people currently in these relationships who share the “lonely child” status.  I’m not sure there’s a good outcome there.

Extra confusing to you and me Rob66, is that if we were in a room with 100 women and acted the way we did, 98 of them would be fine and know we were showing them compassion, love, and understanding.  We just drew the short straw here.  And to look at the other side of the equation there is a possibility, I don’t know how likely, that if the pwBPD encounters a different schema than the lonely child maybe the outcome is different or easier to deal with.  Idk.

To tell you the truth I’m getting tired of thinking about it.  It was 12 months of stress and 15 months more of obsessing about it afterwards trying to understand that which is laid out here as completely non-understanable.  That’s a total of 27 months: I’m done.  In my life I’ve come across over 10,000 people I was acquaintanced with, let’s say, I’m a people person after all.  Of all of those maybe only 100 would I think possibly could have BPD.  Of the 10,000 I only fell in love with one who had BPD.  So at some point I have to stop beating myself up over one really bad decision while making 9,999 (relatively) good ones.

Truth is, we will get over it (even this).  Maladaptive schemas or not.  I’m running the Healthy Adult and Happy Child as my primary operations.  I’d like to keep it that way, and will tend to focus on those.  Clearly some crap got stirred up, and it will only serve me well to get at it.  It’s harder to re-wire our brains as we get older. That’s why it’s good to have a guide and do talk therapy.  As from your experience even therapists can be the problem!  My ex was a professional too.  As a co-worker and friend I think she’d be great.  As a lover she was a god-awful-terrible-poisonous-snake basket of ridiculocity.

I think the use of Psychedelics (Psycilocibin) method is likely one of the best for rewiring the brain, and I know ILM is going that route.  I think that’s showing a lot of promise from the little I understand about it, and I’m glad she’s been willing to share she’s doing that with the forum.

My BPDex is just a phantom at this point, and can do no harm.  There is something out there now that can harm me, and its a killer.  My limbic primordial brain should be much more concerned about that that some formerly entitled woman-child.  It goes by the name Covid, and is invisible.  Tricky.

[ILMBPDC]

I think the use of Psychedelics (Psycilocibin) method is likely one of the best for rewiring the brain, and I know ILM is going that route.  I think that’s showing a lot of promise from the little I understand about it, and I’m glad she’s been willing to share she’s doing that with the forum.

Funny story - Mr BPD introduced me to the idea of psychedelics for mental health. Of course, he did nothing with it (all talk no action, that one) and I took the idea and ran. Both psilocybin and lion's mane (non-psychedelic mushroom) have had some promising studies done where they were shown to actually create/strengthen neural connections.  I really do feel like they are helping me "rewire" some of my thought processes.