Painful Text

[Mtnlvr8]

I have been NC with my sister (pwbpd) for the last few months. It has been difficult as I miss her, but I know having a relationship at the point requires a cost I am not willing to pay. The peace of not wondering when the next blowup or passive-aggressive text will come has been very important for me as I am working on my self-esteem and mental health.

I feel sad not just about losing her, but also her husband and my nephew. My nephew is very young and I understand that I may not be able to have a relationship with him until he is older, but I am worried about what she will tell him about me over the years (as well as what she is currently telling her husband.) It's difficult because I wish I could be there to support him through the difficulties I'm sure will be associated with having her as a mother. I wanted to send him a small gift for his birthday and reached out to his dad to ask what he is into these days. My sister has mentioned in the past that if people (my brother) don't want to have a relationship with her they could at least consider having a relationship with her husband and son, so I thought this would be ok. Her husband responded to my text saying that it didn't feel good for me to be asking him as it felt like going behind her back and that my point of contact with my nephew needs to be her. I can respect his position, but it feels like this means I won't have a relationship with my nephew which is hard. I feel I have to be ok with this though because I don't want her to manipulate me through the power of gatekeeping access to him. It's also very painful for me to think about how she has likely twisted her husband's opinion of me as I like and respect him.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Mtnlvr8, 

Thank you for sharing your first post with us. This is a great online family, and you'll find a lot of understanding people here.

I'm so sorry to hear of the sadness of losing a relationship with your sibling, your brother-in-law and nephew. Those are some of the toughest losses. Those we love, that we want to maintain connection with, are so often caught in the web right along with the pwBPD.

Do you live close by or a long distance? Some members that live close to their sibling with BPD  have been able to help with things like picking up their nieces and nephews after school. That gives a connection because the pwBPD needed the help.

Do you feel you could email or text your sister and ask if you can mail a gift on birthdays and holidays? Non verbal communication is one way to avoid any talking. Or is there anyone else in the family who can ask for permission for several of you? I'm trying to think of any possible options for you.

 
Wools

[Couscous]

Yeah...this is probably the most painful part of having PD siblings. My BPD/NPD brother has been talking badly about me in front of my nieces for basically their entire lives, but surprisingly never restricted access. My NPD brother did restrict access to his sons, and of course also talked badly about me to them. Interestingly, only one of my nieces turned against me. I'm not sure where things stand with my young adult nephews as I just went NC with their father a couple months ago. But it looks like you can't really predict how these things turn out.

Something to keep in mind is that you may not need to go NC forever, and might be able to pull off a "tea-party" relationship at some point in the future with your sister. I also wonder if you really need "permission" to send a Christmas gift?

[Mtnlvr8]

Thank you both, I really appreciate your empathy. I do not live close by which makes things easier in many ways. I think it is possible we will move to a LC or "tea party" relationship at some point, but at this point I just need total space so I think I need to accept I won't have a relationship with him unless I see him at a larger family gathering or something. The grief of not having a relationship with my sister is great as we were very close growing up. I was her "favorite person" and it was a very codependent relationship. It has been very important for me to move away from that, but also sad. There are many good memories too.

[Couscous]

I think you are making a very wise decision. My continued contact with my niece after I went NC with my BPD/NPD brother last year really was just an indirect way of me breaking NC with him, which was not at all beneficial to my healing and it was like I went back to square one.

The separation anxiety that has been triggered in me by going NC, thanks to my codependency/enmeshment with my siblings, has been brutal, I’m not gonna lie. And the holidays seem to be making it so much worse. My therapist tells me that eventually my brain will figure out that not being in contact with my family didn’t actually kill me, and then the anxiety will subside, but that I can’t break NC during this time. I sure hope he’s right!  

[Mtnlvr8]

Thank you Couscous. I also suspect that part of my desire to be in touch with my nephew is wanting indirect contact with my sister...and so is not the healthiest thing for me.

I'm sorry you've been experiencing such intense separation anxiety. It's very hard. I saw a single positive message from my sister from a while ago yesterday and it catapulted me back into all my doubts about NC and whether or not her behavior is actually that bad vs. I have blown things out of proportion etc. etc. I am doing my best to stay strong and prioritize myself and my perspective and hope you are too!