Frustrated w/ Inequality

[yeethedonut]

  Need to vent a little, just very frustrated.

I'm very frustrated with the amount of emotional inequality with my partner. I understand that BPD is difficult, but sometimes I get unhappy with how little is given back in terms of emotional reciprocity at times. I bend over backwards with understanding/watching what I say to make sure there isn't even a shred of invalidation in my speech and my partner expects it. However, there is no equality in this dynamic; whenever they say something that hurts my feelings, it is taken as I am being ridiculous or unreasonable. In contrast, if I say anything that is even the slightest bit able to be understand as a criticism of them, even if it isn't, they say I should, 'think about what I say before I say it'. This is a pattern in our relationship; when it comes to 'sleeping at a reasonable time', my partner is judgmental and hard on me, even if they themselves are exactly the same. It makes me angry and hurt because I feel used and unimportant.

It's extremely upsetting to have my feelings invalidated and told that I am being ridiculous, when if I am even slightly out of line with something it incurs such rage that it takes days to come back from with them. I know I am taking this too personally for a BPD relationship; it just hurts to feel like my feelings don't matter half as much as theirs do.

How do I voice this to them? I have no idea how to communicate this in a healthy way with someone with BPD, or if it would even be accepted or if it would just be completely dismissed as a personal attack on them. I just want to be held as an equal and not feel like an emotional doormat for them.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Boogie74]

I find that despite being a grown adult that has “amazingly survived” just fine before meeting her, she believes and (and states do a LOT) how I supposedly can’t be trusted with making buying decisions on my own (even for small things that cost $25-30).   

I also am apparently incapable of giving any emotional support or empathy and (as many here are, apparently) I’m a narcissist- because despite not having any professional expertise in diagnosing this, she knows better than my therapist and medical doctors- they all suck if they can’t see how I’m a malignant narcissist with an ego that demands to have his way all the time.

As anyone who has supported someone with BPD can attest, giving emotional support and validation is just about ALL we do- but I’m incapable of giving support or understanding.

[Chosen]

yeethedonut,

I feel you, I really do.  But I can't help you.  Because I think that's exactly what BPD is- pwBPDs have such little self-awareness mainly because they find it hard to face themselves.  So instead they project and dissociate.  Personally, I don't think that voicing out to them will do you any good.  It WILL trigger them.  They WILL NOT change.  For example, uBPDh didn't like it when I express that he's wrong in front of the kids, because they will not see us as a united front.  But, he often tells the kids I'm wrong, I'm a bad example.  I can't voice it out to him, because if I do so, he will twist it in a way that if I do it, I'm falsely accusing him, but if he does it, he's just pointing out my mistakes, to teach the kids.

Yeah it's unfair; yeah it sucks.  On the other hand, he's not making stuff up in front of the kids to accuse me.  It's just the treatment of "when one parent did something wrong, what should the other parent do" is different for him and for me. 

Bottom line is, if you're looking for emotional fairness, you're not going to get it with a pwBPD.  Not trying to disappoint you here, just trying to be realistic.  But looking at relationships, even for 2 non-pwBPDs, it's never a good idea to use "fairness" and "equality" as a measurement.  It sucks that when we're hurt by our pwBPDs, we are unable to voice it out or get them to change.  The only thing we can change is how we look at it.  I think a way to feel less hurt by this inequality is self-care; to understand more about ourselves and take care of our own emotions, so that when we do feel hurt, we are able to "lick our own wounds" and self-heal.

[Cat Familiar]

Totally agree with Chosen. You will not find emotional equality in a relationship with a pwBPD.

What works for me is to *not give a damn* about what he thinks about me when he’s being unreasonable or self centered. They can get so unhinged about completely unimportant issues or misinterpreting an innocuous remark.

Let them.

No need to explain more than once or try to justify anything you said—that only makes things worse. (Don’t JADE—Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)—and I’m a chronic Explainer, but I think one short explanation can be helpful. If they don’t want to hear it, your work is done.

Go and do something that makes you happy while they “stew in their own juices”. You will enable them to learn self soothing skills while you recharge your batteries.

[StartingHealing]

yeethedonut,

Thank you for posting this since the feelings I've been having mirror what you have expressed.

[yeethedonut]

Hey everyone, thanks for your input. A couple months later I've come to just accept this aspect of the relationship; even my pw BPD has said to me that he 'knows he gets mad at me for a lot of the same things that he does'. I've been somewhat lucky with him as a pw BPD in that he does have some natural reflection ability on his behaviour; however he is still very difficult most days. Lately he's been a little better because he has been taking a mood stabilizer, which means he doesn't get the furious rage he used to as much. He can be reasoned with a little more, and our communication has gone up. However it's posed a whole new facet of problems that I hadn't considered; we now need to sort through the mountain of problems we've accumulated over the past year and a bit we've been together. This means that there's been an avalanche of previous issues that we've had to discuss-- this has been a mixed bag. I'll make a separate post about it elsewhere I'm sure, but we've had some success. I think my own mental shift has helped, but there's been a lot of work left to be done about being able to handle some of the massive issues we've accumulated.

[yeethedonut]

yeethedonut,

Thank you for posting this since the feelings I've been having mirror what you have expressed.

I hope it helped you feel more understood. I’m very grateful for this forum for that very reason. I hope over the last month things have looked up for you.

[Bara]

I have a follow up question for anyone to answer.

What are the long term implications of extreme inequality in emotional validation? I imagine after long periods of time of being invalidated, even a neuro typical person will start to ware down. What does that look like? I want to stick it out with my uBP partner but I'm afraid it will end up having a long term negative affect on me with vulnerability and intimacy.

[babyducks]

I have a follow up question for anyone to answer.

What are the long term implications of extreme inequality in emotional validation? I imagine after long periods of time of being invalidated, even a neuro typical person will start to ware down. What does that look like? I want to stick it out with my uBP partner but I'm afraid it will end up having a long term negative affect on me with vulnerability and intimacy.

on the very top of this board, there is a thread that is pinned to always stay.   its called LESSONS.  

This quote is from there:

It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

you can read more here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship