formflier - thank you for responding. I appreciated your wisdom and insight.
Did you deal with the rest?
Over time she needs to understand at a fundamental level when you mean business, which hopefully will result in more reasonable negotiations.
Yes - I followed through with what I said I would do. I am setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. I appreciate the double-check.
What does all of this stuff "mean" to your wife?
I wish I knew. I have tried asking questions - and I usually get "I don't know". I now realize she is probably emotionally overwhelmed by thinking about the clutter - and trying to answer a question like that is near-impossible for her.
If you looked from the outside, you would think that my wife is more organized than me. She has her Franklin-Covey planner all tabbed-out to perfection. When she worked outside the home, her workspaces were meticulously organized and labeled.
I think she has lots of shame dealing with the clutter. She used to stay on top of it and is not now. I think she might be struggling with the dichotomy of what she wants to be, and how things are right now.
I also think her perfectionism is so high, that if she can't find the "perfect" spot for everything, she doesn't even start. She has difficulty categorizing things. It can't just be "pens", but it has to be a separate box for felt-tip, clickable, different colors, etc. I believe her systems for organizing are too complicated for her to keep up with (or anyone else).
I think the clutter might represent missed opportunities. Things she wishes she did, and still wants to do, but the BPD (and other physical & mental health issues) get in the way.
I think the clutter might also represent control. When I look around our house - stuff that is strictly "mine" is relegated to my closet. Her stuff is everywhere. It is a physical manifestation of her control over our space. I have went along with her acquiring all this stuff - because I thought it might help her be happy. I was wrong.
I think the clutter might represent memories. My wife's father died just before she turned 3 - and anything remotely connected to him she holds on to - that is completely understandable.
Her grandfather died, and grandmother got severe Alzheimer's and we had our 2nd child all within a year. We got a huge amount of stuff from her grandparents estate, that has not been processed (this was 10 years ago).
In "Stop Walking On Eggshells" in Chapter 2 it discussed "lack of object constancy" as an issue for BPDs.
"
Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don’t exist on an emotional level. " I think that might be what is happening.
