How to React

[rl669]

Hi

Not for the first time, by uBPD spouse has completely wrong-footed me and I just don't know how to move forward.

Last night, we had an argument. I won't bother to explain what triggered it, but it was typical craziness. I was able to stay calm and keep my cool initially, but my wife really caught me off-guard with what she said when she get really heated.

The back story is that my wife has a poor relationship with my 17 year old daughter, who simply isn't prepared to put up with her sh*t any more. My wife is envious of my great relationship with our daughter but, in typical BPD fashion, rather than trying to understand why her own relationship is so bad, she would prefer me to have an equally terrible relationship. So she has a tendency to try to undermine my own relationship, or else to pour scorn and derision on it.

So it was almost inevitable during last night's argument, that once my wife was dysregulated, she would bring up my relationship with my daughter. But what she said really shook me. Basically, she insinuated that there was something sexual between my daughter and me. I really thought I'd heard it all, but I was genuinely shaken by this, and made that clear to her.

When she saw how badly I'd taken it, she tried to cosy up (without apologising, obviously - she doesn't do apologies), and wanted to hug in bed, etc. I told her no, and that I didn't want to talk about it.

Today, we're stepping round each other, and nothing's been said, but I just don't know what to do or say. I don't even know if there's a way back from here.

She's not new to saying outrageous things, and normally I tell her I'm going to another room if she's going to speak to me disrespectfully or whatever, but this has really crossed a line as far as I'm concerned. I just don't know how to make that clear, or even what kind of a stand I should make.

Maybe this is really is the final straw?

Any advice would be appreciated!

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi rl669,

Wow! I would've been blown out of the water by that comment. I'm so sorry that she took that nasty step. It has to be so wounding for you.

There are others here who will be able to give you better/more experienced advice than I. I didn't deal with that in my marriage, so I don't know the best approach. I do know that it is very concerning to hear that your W would make such an accusation. Things that throw us off emotionally tend to diminish our ability to think rationally for a few days. Give yourself about 3 days to settle from the shock of it and you'll start to be able to process what to do very soon.

Can you talk with a T or legal authority to get some advice on what she said and what you need to be aware of?

Take care,
Wools

[rl669]

"Things that throw us off emotionally tend to diminish our ability to think rationally for a few days. Give yourself about 3 days to settle from the shock of it and you'll start to be able to process what to do very soon."

This a great advice. Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi rl669,

How are you doing now? Have things settled at all?

Wools

[rl669]

Thanks for checking in again.

Well, we're stuck in a holding pattern, as my wife made a classic BPD "apology" the following day, i.e. she was sort of sorry, but actually didn't have anything to be sorry for because it was actually a simple misunderstanding (yeah, sure!), and anyway, I'm so sensitive I always take things too personally.

Since I didn't accept this as an apology, she's now seething with anger, and she's not speaking to me. So I'm now the bad guy.

At this point, I'm seriously wondering why I'm doing this and if it's all worth it.